Bubbles and Blossoms: The McGaugh Family Blog

New Blog Site

2011-01-03T21:56:00.000-08:00

Hello, Readers!

After thinking about it for a few years, I finally bought a domain name from Wordpress and have posted my blog there:

http://birdinyourhand.com (Bird In Your Hand)

It will be very much the same content as this blog has been, except that now I really own it. Here is a copy of the first post:

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” so goes the adage that has been instructive to me since childhood. If we are to create our own joy and our own lives with our own hands, then it has done me well to remember to be grateful for what I already have. A bird in the hand represents, to me, the idea of appreciating what we’ve got. Of looking around and finding contentment in the people, ideas, and moments we hold dear without trying to apprehend more than our share or risking the beauty we already have for selfish or needless pursuit.

It is the lesson Dorothy learned in The Wizard of Oz. To gather our joy, we need to begin in the home, inside of us, in that place deep within where the authentic self dwells. We recognize the birdsong—the freely winging sounds of joy—that are part of all of us if only we take the time to listen to ourselves.

The image of a “bird in your hand” conjures for me, also, an ancient writing tool: the quill. I imagine taking a bird feather, dipping it into ink, dripping that ink a bit onto my writer’s bump, and writing my own story—usually in the thick cover of night, a silent time, a time to hear one’s inner singing voice.

We must each hand a hand in writing our own narratives. As I begin the new year, I am enjoying my first freelance editing client, a friend from Toast of the Valley Toastmasters, Dr. Sana Johnson-Quijada. Sana, a psychiatrist, writes a tip a day on how to be a friend to yourself at www.friendtoyourself.com . What moves me most about her work is her authentic voice, a voice which urges readers gently toward self-care. Self-care, like writing, is a process of constant revision. We must constantly revise ourselves, hone the language of our personal stories, and gather our authentic joy.

Blogging for many years, I have most recently been keeping our McGaugh Family blog at http://sarahmcgaugh.blogspot.com. Focused on finding beauty in daily existence with my husband and children, it is time to merge my interests of gathering joy, writing, and helping others with their writing into one location: birdinyourhand. Writing is a way to keep our eye trained on our authentic selves, and I would welcome the chance to help other writers to find their voices while continuing to find my own. Periodically I will post excerpts of the work Sana and I are doing together—well, really, she is doing all the work of finding her innermost thoughts to help others, and I proofread it. Other times, I will post my own writing, reflecting upon the way our actions and our perspectives write our history.

The first action is to cultivate a spirit of gratitude, and in this, to remember the bird in your hand.

As the new year begins, we know we have many opportunities to create for ourselves, and to give to others, new joy.

Let us gather our joy through writing together and through listening to our birdsong voice that flutters in our hearts.

-----------HOPE TO MEET YOU ALL THERE!!!!-------------------

Love,
Sarah
http://birdinyourhand.com

When I Was 30

2010-12-28T21:05:00.000-08:00

When I was 30-years-old, I…

…gave birth to our son, Eric William…

…finished my first quilt…

…completed a cross-stitch sampler with my daughter Katie…

…took Katie to Disneyland for the first time in the spring…

…stayed overnight at Disneyland with Bill, Katie, Eric, and my mom and dad for Katie’s October birthday…

…officiated at my brother’s wedding…

….finished the coursework for my real estate license, and took and passed the exam…

…took Katie to her first swimming lessons while 8 months pregnant…

…said goodbye to the last of my three grandfathers…

…learned how to sew ballet skirts for my daughter…

…gave my daughter my childhood bed…

…earned my Competent Communicator award (completed ten speeches) at Toastmasters…

…gained my first freelance editing client…

…had fun at the Wild Animal Park with Katie…

…saw a blue moon on the New Year and the harvest moon in Autumn…

…spent many cozy moments with my daughter in the kitchen…

…danced and laughed in the rain…

…nursed Katie through her first significant bout of illness with her first high fever…

…shared time and lunches and love with Nana…

…took Katie to the zoo with Bill…

…had a big Clint Eastwood movie phase…

…went with Bill to take Katie to the snow for the first time in Idyllwild, and made snow angels, and loved that my romantic husband drew a heart with all of our handprints in it…

…saw friends from my CSUSM teaching cohort for the first time in many years…

…took Katie to ballet, music, gymnastics, and art classes…

…went to a bluegrass festival…

…transitioned Katie out of her daytime diapers…

…planned and enjoyed many, many arts and crafts projects for my daughter…

…celebrated my 4^th marriage anniversary with my Bill, my loved and loving husband, in Idyllwild with an “Anniversarymoon” stay at our special inn…

…spent many warm days in the yard with Katie by the wading pool…

…picked blueberries off the bush…

…celebrated our 2^nd annual Midsummer’s Eve…

….took Katie to see Beauty and the Beast, Hansel and Gretel, The Nutcracker, and A Christmas Carol performed at the local theater…

…started McGaugh Family Movie Night…

…became closer with some of my cousins…

…did well at nourishing some friendships and less well at nourishing others…

…Re-read Jane Eyre…

…made hooded towels for my children…

…planted a vegetable, fruit, and herb garden…

…went apple picking in Julian…

…was at times hopeful and at times disappointed…but mostly hopeful…

…watched Katie fall in love with her brother at first sight…

…looked for the goodness…

…wondered about meaning…

…trusted in Love…

…fed the ducks…

…stumbled upon a Greek festival…

…sang loudly and with joy in my heart…

…examined myself for my flaws…

…tried my best…

….colored and drew pictures, built castles, made forts…

…savored days at the beach…

…discovered cinnamon frozen yogurt…

…stopped drinking coffee and tea for nine months…

…started coffee and tea back up again with more fervor than ever…

…sang my children to sleep at the same time…

…pressed the 3 AM moon into my heart as I held my newborn son…

…rubbed my nose in the beautiful scent of my daughter’s hair…

…realized that to hold Bill, Katie, and Eric is to hold the Universe…

…knew that I have only just begun to learn…

Today I turned 31. Life is going too fast... There is so much for which to be thankful, and so much yet still to do. These years with my children and husband are the best of life, and I wish I could keep them forever!

We began the day with breakfast at The Swing Inn Cafe in Old Town Temecula. After breakfast, all four of us went to one of our favorite parks and played. Bill played with Eric on the grass while Katie and I ran around and played Hide-n-Seek, Follow the Leader, and more. Yay for sunshine and slides!

In the afternoon and evening my parents came over. My mom, even though she has much on her mind and heart, still made the birthday dinner we had planned. It was delicious: French onion soup (my favorite soup), sausage and black bean calzones, and a citrus salad. For dessert: German chocolate cake. Yum! My mom was really loving to that...I know how tired she is and how hard this week has been for her.

My parents and husband blessed me with more than I could ever dream of...a beautiful milk glass bowl from Julian, new linens for the bed and table from Bill, clothes, movies, and more... And from Bill, a coupon for an iPad 2.0 when they are released in spring (well, maybe spring). I think I officially have enough gifts to last all year, especially when we add Christmas, too! Now I will spend the rest of the year thinking about how to return the kindnesses to my family...

A few images from today:

Tidings of Comfort and Joy

2010-12-27T18:20:00.000-08:00

In my last post, "Sleep in Heavenly Peace," I wrote of the sadder side of Christmas this year. I find that I am struggling to transition well from being focused on the loss of my Grandpa out of respect and mourning to acknowledging that there was also a joyful side to Christmas this year. Although the holiday was full of sorrow, there were moments of comfort and even excitement as Katie celebrated her fourth Christmas and Eric his first.

As we grow up, we realize that the heart must balance constantly joy and sorrow. We realize we must adapt to this, or we certainly must perish under the weight of losses yet to come. Celebrating the joyful moments in no way diminishes the respect I have for my Grandpa or loyalty I feel toward honoring the various emotions of my family.

In fact, we must celebrate and carry on with our traditions, as a means of honoring what came before.

The traditions and time together are the tidings of comfort and joy.

Because Grandpa Yoder had been making small improvements the day before, no one predicted on Christmas Eve morning the events of later that night. Our Christmas Eve morning was festive, and we were looking forward to dressing up and seeing our family as we normally do for dinner at The Ritz in Newport Beach. We thought we would see Grandpa Yoder before dinner. Even though I worried that it might be the last time we spoke, the mood among family was hopeful that we might be able to have him with us a little longer. So our morning was relatively light.

Katie made our annual batch of "reindeer food" with oats, cinnamon, and glitter. Oh, she did have fun!

We had a festive Christmas Eve breakfast: panettone French toast drenched in an egg nog custard, eggs scrambled with cream, and ham.

Our Christmas Eve breakfast table set with Christmas Spode, everything felt especially merry.
I was thrilled to have my own set this year, (a result of an amazing sale and a Macy's gift card) as I grew up on it and it brings back happy memories. My late Uncle Eric's tidbit tray was my first piece of Spode, and it is in the center of my table.We honor those who will always be a part of us.

This picture is really poignant for me. In the middle of dressing up in our fancier, more formal clothes for Christmas Eve dinner, my mom called and told me that Grandpa Yoder had taken a turn for the worse and that we needed to come to the hospital as soon as we could. In retrospect, it seems silly that I had the kids and Bill and myself still in our dinner clothes, but there was still hope that the situation would turn back around...and hope is never something to take for granted. Here, Katie is in her dinner dress, sprinkling our yard with our reindeer food. It was the only picture I took all night; there are none of Eric's first Christmas Eve. What really pulls at my heart is that my mom gave this dress to Katie as a gift over a year ago. It was too big last Christmas, even though the coat fit, and so we saved the for this Christmas... All month we talked about wearing it and how we would have dinner with our family and listen to the carolers in the restaurant again. So different from the reality of the evening...

Although my Bill, Katie, and Eric ate at the hospital, I was not the least bit hungry for most of the night...until we left. The knots in my stomach crashed down to a wave of hunger. Christmas Eve dinner for me was drive-thru McDonald's. Now, I enjoy McDonald's as much as anyone, but it was lonely and late and not what we had been imagining, not the tradition we had had for years...At first it was totally depressing, but the familiar taste of the meal I would have with Dad for lunch sometimes as a child actually turned out to be comforting on the car ride home.

On Christmas morning, Katie was excited to find that Santa had eaten most of our cookies, left bite marks in some, and guzzled all of his egg nog. She also discovered that Santa had tracked in some soot onto our hearth...and left a footprint in a pile of it. She thought that was pretty cool.

We opened our Santa gifts early on Christmas morning and then went to my mom and dad's house in our pajamas for a second Christmas morning with Uncle David and Aunt Ashley. I think of this year as the "Retro Christmas": Bill gifted me with the 2010 Holiday Barbie, an autoharp a la 1970s music teachers (I love it!!!), a necklace inscribed with the kiddos' names, and more. My mom and dad gave me a 1980s Speak and Spell from eBay---it was my FAVORITE toy for awhile growing up. I was thankful to receive cross stitch supplies and projects to do from my mom, and there were many other blessings. Even our Christmas dinner planned for my house was full of the "retro" and traditional food we used to have at my childhood Christmases once upon a time.

Christmas morning at my mom and dad's house.

Eric loved his Raggedy Andy, and he was rolling around with it.

Merry 1st Christmas, my baby boy.

Eric's first stocking, made by his Amie.

Christmas morning.

Opening gifts together for the first time. Katie is showing Eric his choo choo train.

It was a testament to my mom's strength and sense of tradition that she still made our Christmas breakfast, the way she always has. We always have her Christmas bread, sausage, omelets with cheese, and hot chocolate...it is delicious. None of us had had any sleep, and she was amazing for having the love for us to do this breakfast anyway.

More stockings at our house.

Presents from Santa.

There was joy even in the midst of the grief. And no, the joy wasn't in the presents---really neat-o presents this year that would have been even more fun to open any other year. The joy was in the fact that we still carried through our some of our traditions, that Santa could still come, that Katie was still excited. The greatest gifts this year were the closeness of our family, of working through cooking a Christmas meal that few of us felt like eating and actually laughing at how poorly we were executing it (my mom and I actually decent cooks, but we were really really off our game this year---in fact, we made SO many errors it was fairly hilarious). There can be laughter at ourselves even in the hardest moments. We were reminded of the very basic things we ought to be thankful for: family, love, shelter, food, time together.

Gather the joy in whatever way you can...

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

2010-12-26T22:27:00.000-08:00

This was the most surreal and strangest Christmas I have ever experienced with my family. In parts, it was the most sad; at times is was truly joyful. At no other Christmas have I been so reminded of the love and light that buoys us all, though the path we travel may be at times so thick with fog and rain. We may not know why we are faced with those cold, dark, and seemingly unforgiving moments, but I do believe that when our actions are purely taken, and taken for the Good, then those gifts of the spirit forever ripple outward and lead to further good even if we never see it in our lifetimes.

I was reminded this Christmas how important it is to have family, to embrace family, to honor family. We know not any one of us is perfect---no one is---but the ranks of the family close together to struggle against the impossible. It was a blessing, also, to be reminded of the significance of tradition, of holding close the events of times and places as a way to honor those with whom we have shared those memories through the years.

Friends and readers, it has made my heart a little lighter these past few days to have your loving thoughts sent to me and my family. Thank you. As we sat in Hoag Hospital on Christmas Eve, I could feel your caring words lifting us up and helping to make the time even halfway endurable. One of the true Christmas gifts I received this year was feeling a connection to all of you, across space, sending goodness to us. No gift could be finer this Christmas, and the capacity for human empathy is one of our greatest gifts to give. May you always receive that empathy in return.

In the end, I watched a courageous man claim death with true dignity. By the time we got to the hospital, my Grandpa Yoder had taken a turn for the worse. He had been up and down all week, mostly making small improvements, but it was discovered on Christmas Eve that he had contracted pneumonia and that he soon would not be receiving enough oxygen from the oxygen mask. A decision had to be made about whether or not to put him on a ventilator. He faced that decision with strength and clarity: no, he did not want the ventilator, and yes, he knew he was going to die.

By accident, I saw that moment. I will always respect him for it, respect that he did not make his children decide. Uncle Tom had taken my brother David and I back to see Grandpa Yoder, and as we approached, we did not know that my mom and aunts and uncle were in the middle of asking for his wishes, or we would have waited further away out of respect. I will never forget the heartache and longing in my mom's voice at that moment...or many other poignant details of that moment that I think should remain among our family.

So, too, the moment my brother and I had together with our grandfather. I was reminded in that moment not only what it means to be a grand-daughter, but also a sister.

I said what I wanted to say to him: how grateful I have been for these past years, above all how thankful I am that he lived to see his great-grandchildren and to spend real time with them. I told him that Katie will always remember him, and I shared with him what she asked me to say. I had thought about bringing her in, but I decided that with his oxygen mask on it would be too scary for her. She asked later, unprompted, if he had known she was there wanting to see him. Oh yes, I said, he knew you came to be with him. I told him that I would tell Eric about him, that our memories of him would always continue. I thanked him for the family trips he took us on...and some other words. I kissed his hand many times, and I was struck at that moment with an intensity that rocked my core by how his hand had always been here but how I had never been able to bridge the formality between us to just grab it and kiss it before. We'd always kissed goodbye on the cheek. Why never the hand before? As Shakespeare wrote, "Lord, what fools these mortals be!" Why do we not see how short the time is that we have together before it is too late? Why do we not let go of assumptions about people when we still have the chance? What would have been the worst that could have happened in our lives if I had just covered him with all the years of kisses I'd always felt?

It was a long night. Eventually I needed to take our children home, and I did not see the actual moment of his passing. I have heard that it was beautiful, beautiful and sad, peaceful, a time of hope. He died at 10:30pm on Christmas Eve.

We always saw him on Christmas Eve, that was one of our special times. It was surreal that this was the last Christmas Eve I will spend with him. It is too soon to tell in my grieving process whether or not that fact will make it better or worse, or if it will just be... I miss him. I keep picturing him in his house, and catching myself with the knowledge that he isn't there...

After I had Katie, and after I went back to work, I was able to use my FMLA leave time to take one day off per week even after I was back in the classroom. Those last months of teaching, I usually spent that day traveling with my mom and baby Kate to visit Nana or Great-Grandpa Yoder, one of them each week. I wanted her to know them both.

That was one of the better decisions I have made as a mother.

Gather joy in the time you have left with those you love. Do not let the days go by...

Castles in the Air

2010-12-20T23:38:00.000-08:00

I was just on my way to bed after doing a little freelance editing work for one of my Toastmasters friends, but try as I might, my heart is too heavy to sleep without writing. In the midst of this season of Light, there comes stealing in at the corners an approaching darkness.

We learned today that my Grandpa Yoder is in the end stage of heart failure.

My mom and I learned it in a car full of groceries and anticipation for our Christmas dinner, a car filled with the sounds of Katie and Eric, a car dripping with rain, our hair wet, our minds elsewhere. I forgot to get the apples, of all things. We hugged and cried. There will be more tears.

And in this moment we are waiting. Waiting for the hollow in the stomach that comes with death, waiting for the thickness of throat. Waiting for the things that have never been said to perhaps be said, and yet fearing they will never be. Waiting to know: will we share one last Christmas Eve, or will we be grieving? Waiting for the unbearable glances across all the years. Waiting for the memories to fall down, and to be resurrected.

We wait, and in that waiting we wonder, I wonder: if I loved him imperfectly, and he loved me imperfectly, where is the redemption? Can one human being ever love another perfectly? I think we are all far too flawed.

I did not know him very well until just a few years ago, shortly after Katie was born. What I had yearned for all of my life, I finally had: moments to be with him that weren't for a special occasion or holiday, moments that wore jeans, moments watching my mom cut his hair on the back patio, moments of Oreo cookie crumbs on the floor, moments of Katie sitting on his bed in the family room and knowing nothing else except that she could be her glorious carefree self. The loud and lovely sounds of children playing: Katie and Violet, and just recently, Eric and Oliver. He has never been a man of many words---I shared many more with my other two grandfathers, both gone---but in recent years we had some conversations: he listened and remembered, remembered about me and what I thought.

No, all human love is imperfect, one to another. We get too caught up in the things that don't matter. But I know, too, that even in an imperfect whole, there are moments of perfection. Those are the moments and memories we carry with us. And so I set to the task of remembering: the days when my own dad, young and strong, built my playhouse in Yorba Linda---and what a playhouse!---with my Grandpa Yoder. I remember watching them carry the lumber and measure and cut it. I remember once when Grandpa Yoder sat at my little tea table and chairs and pretended to be my student. I was only six years old, but I showed him every one of my little reading books from Kindergarten, and I had him practice his reading.

It is tempting to make wishes, about the time we had or wish we could have had...

Thoreau wrote in his conclusion to Walden: "If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

We can trust our perfect moments of love, even when our relationships are imperfect. A person can be the ideal we imagine, if we are willing to concede that the ideal shines through only in moments. It is our job to put the foundations beneath them, that is, to look for the good, to look for the best of the time we have shared. And to believe in those best moments, as if there had never been anything else.

When my Grandpa Mitchell died, I was in my most self-absorbed time, just starting college, not aware of how sick he really was despite signs I should have seen. In my world at the time, Death was not much of a character---just a lurker at the sidelines. When he died, I was in disbelief. To this day, I wish that I had hugged him even one second longer on that day I came to say goodbye to my grandparents before leaving for school. But I said goodbye just as I always did, with a hug that meant "I love you and I will see you again," and I remember heading out the door and thinking of almost nothing else but that I would get to see my then-boyfriend for a date that night. Silly girl, not to have known and caught up in herself and her plans. When people ask about regrets, I don't buy the line that we ought never to have any...

With Grandpa Don, I took more care and I knew I was seeing him for the last time. It was the best last time possible, a day of laughter and stories, of little Baby Kate playing with him and holding his hand. When we left, I got to say everything I wanted...there was nothing undone between us. We had spent years knowing each other, building the legacy of memory. I gave him our secret sign of love before I left---a squeeze of his foot beneath the blanket---and he winked at me. It was a moment of beauty in its own heartbreaking way. Yet when I broke down in the elevator, I was still young and naive enough, and willing enough, to believe the kind fib of my parents: we will go to see him next Tuesday, he will be all right a little while longer. The miracle of parents is that they so often know what a child needs to hear. Part of me knew my parents were just giving me hope...but that's what we do as parents. When Katie asks me if I am ever going to die and leave her, my answer is "no." Sometimes a child needs absolute comfort, more than she needs absolute knowledge.

But you can't kid a kidder this time. I know the way this plays out and the sadness to follow. There has got to be more to hope for than a hope for more time. Time takes us all; but what Time can never diminish is our hope for a Goodness that lasts, and a love that covers over all our imperfections. Build your castles in the air; trust in the perfection that has gleamed like the sun through the cracks in our hourglasses.

Gather your joy while you can.

Christmas Cookies!

2010-12-14T18:33:00.000-08:00

This week is Christmas Cookie Week at the Matics and McGaugh households! With park time in the morning for the kiddos, my mom and I have had two afternoons of baking, filling our homes with the scent of Christmas, and teaching tradition to Katie and Eric.

Day 1 of our cookie baking took place at my mom's house yesterday afternoon. We made the dough for our decorated cookies (to be cut out and baked off and decorated later this week), dark chocolate-cherry-pepita-pistachio bark, peppermint bark, cranberry-white-chocolate-hazelnut-oatmeal cookies, anise biscotti dipped in chocolate, and almond crescents.

Day 2 was held at my house today. Listening to our Christmas carols, we made gingerbread, jam thumbprints, raspberry bars, neapolitans, and pfeffernusse.

Our Christmas cookie traditions go all the way to my childhood, and many of these recipes remind me of time in the kitchen with my mom. We didn't quite do our usual cookie baking last year, but this year we more than made up for it!

Buddies with Boppa yesterday evening, while the last of the cookies and barks were cooling.

Exploring his grandparents' Christmas tree...

Helping Mommy roll pfeffernusse.

Getting sleepy in his carrier---he loves our Bjorn. I wish I'd had this for Katie!

Helping Amie make the thumbprints.

Grandmother and grand-daughter.

Earlier in the day: zesting a lemon.

Of Sense and Trust

2010-12-11T20:22:00.000-08:00

An excerpt from A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens:

"You don't believe in me," observed the Ghost.

"I don't." said Scrooge.

"What evidence would you have of my reality, beyond that of your senses?"

"I don't know," said Scrooge.

"Why do you doubt your senses?"

"Because," said Scrooge, "a little thing affects them. A slight disorder of the stomach makes them cheats. You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato. There's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!"

Scrooge was not much in the habit of cracking jokes, nor did he feel, in his heart, by any means waggish then. The truth is, that he tried to be smart, as a means of distracting his own attention, and keeping down his terror; for the spectre's voice disturbed the very marrow in his bones."

It has been exactly one year since a friend of mine and I had a parting of the ways. She wrote something to me that hurt me deeply, something objectively fictitious with respect to facts, yet evidently true in her feelings of utter hatred at one moment of her life, designed to annihilate me at one moment of mine, and was a reaction to the hardships in her own life. I thought that I had done my best to shower my friend with love, and I thought that she knew it. If I swallow my pride, though, I realize how much I try to distract my own attention, like Scrooge, from what most terrifies me. What if she actually didn't know how much I loved her? What if, in my own happiness and contentment with my life, I had missed every clue she had left along the way that she felt abandoned to her choices, without support from either me or other key people (several of us received angry statements, but mine was the most lengthy) at the moment that was most crucial? Are we, or are we not, our sisters' keepers?

I know now where my fault resides: I didn't pay quite enough attention to the emotion of things. I did not tend the garden of our relationship, because I assumed the garden had been founded in good soil and would grow well on its own. When I saw a couple of weeds sprout, I didn't pick them out myself because I feared confrontation and I thought, "She should know that I am not responsible for her choices" or "she should know that we love her and are trying to make her feel braced and embraced by all of us." The problem is, when we assume that people should know anything, we are taking the easy way out. We assume they know, when perhaps it us who fear the reality of how interconnected we all are. We should pick the weeds, even if we really think they are for others to pick.

She didn't feel loved, it turned out. She didn't know how I really felt, how Bill really felt, how many of us really felt. She didn't feel supported---although she will never know how, to those who questioned her decisions, I was truly one of her biggest defenders. Anyone will verify that. She didn't feel supported, despite all of my intentions over the years to create that feeling. Where did I fail? Why did I become an object of hatred? What went wrong? These are the questions that I have asked all year.

The part of me that "tried to be smart" as "a means of keeping down [my] terror" reviewed all the facts of the history of our relationship. I spent hours and days refuting each statement of her message to me, but only in my own mind or to those who knew of what happened. Some statements were preposterous, created only to hurt and not for the truth of the matter. But the emotion behind them was her truth... We can refute facts all we wish, even hide behind the counterarguments we make, but when someone is hurting, he or she hurts and it is that person's inner truth. She was hurt, probably not because of anything I did, but because of the things I didn't do. Things I didn't even know she needed me to do. How could I know? Is it our job to know, when it comes to those we love? Readers, to what extent are we accountable to those we love for the knowledge we don't have? It turns out, we are totally accountable in their eyes even if we could make arguments all day about why we are not. Subjectivity. Do we trust our senses?

Yes, friends, I have had this secret all year. This year has been, in some many ways, the most difficult of my life. Friends and family, my husband, all have reassured me many times that I was not at fault, that we cannot make for others the happiness they are lacking. It embarrasses me even to write about it.

It was easier all year to pretend it never happened.

But I miss my friend, miss who she was, or who I thought she was. It would be nearly impossible, sometimes I feel, to trust her now. Yet I wish so badly that we could get back to where we were. I wish we could erase the writing between us. Those words seared into my mind, long after I destroyed the copy of my letter. And all the while, time is ticking away... Memories being missed together... People growing up and growing old...

My question this year: What is the nature of forgiveness? Does it really exist? At times I have felt it toward her, despite the total absence of any attempt at an apology from her for a letter that she knows (because someone wrote to her on my behalf) was deeply hurtful. At times, I have been flushed with anger just thinking about it. There is not room for both anger and forgiveness to exist in one's heart. I have had to choose, or at least know that I am still in the process of choosing. Part of my process is sharing this tale before the world and admitting that, yes, there was a perfect storm of circumstances leading up to our parting last year, a perfect storm in which I had a part. I had a part in it because she feels I did, and that is enough---because we are all connected. She may never know how much, even to the end, and even still now (despite what she did), I am still her advocate. That's how much I really did love her.

I am still her advocate because, for some others who read her letter to me, the anger is still present in their minds and hearts. I am not a perfect person, but I am a decent person who has good intentions toward others. Those who love me most want to protect that in me. Yet decency brings me to understand that it does not matter what our intentions are toward others if they are unable to receive them, or if those intentions aren't communicated with effectiveness. I was obviously not effective here, with her. I can be in my own world sometimes. I am more prone to celebrate the joy of others than to walk with them step by step in sorrow, which is probably, to some ways of looking at it, selfish. I don't have a high tolerance for pain and sorrow, in myself or in others---I just assume that we can all pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and move forward without dwelling. To some this comes across as optimistic and to others this must come across as not compassionate, or even callous. I actually feel quite a bit of compassion toward others, but I always draw the line at pity. To me, showing pity is offensive to others, and receiving pity would offend me. I have always felt this way. Pity would mean I would think of you as incapable of pulling yourself out of your troubles. I think of you as quite capable... But some people want a little pity; to some, it may even be a way to say "I love you."

Trusting our senses, trusting our memories even, has been a theme for me this week. My daughter has watched A Christmas Carol about a million times, and yet it only dawned on me yesterday that Marley's question about Scrooge trusting his senses is a theme that repeated itself in two of the three speeches at Toastmasters this week.

Tara Fall spoke about cherishing our memories, holding them dear as if knowing that at any moment they could be gone. What if the faces that go with those memories fade away? Or in the case of my friend, what if so much time goes by that everything I remembered about her changes?

Tara, more than anyone, made me pause this week to think about how the memories we make become a major part of the narrative structure of our lives. What narrative do we wish for ourselves? And what narrative are we really writing, word by word? Or in the case of Ebenezer Scrooge, how long is the chain that we have forged in our lives? Isn't mankind our business, to paraphrase Dickens? How do I take this feeling, and begin to put salve on the wound between my friend and myself?

Are we responsible for those wounds on a universal, moral level even at times when we think we are not?

Jerone Lee, another speaker at Toastmasters, gave a beautifully researched and performed speech on the nature of magic. He demonstrated several tricks, which still have me thinking... In fact, he called me up to be one of his helpers. I have no idea how he did it, but he made two foam bunnies appear in my hand, when I was certain I was only holding one.

My senses, my intellect, told me one thing---but the reality was different. I thought I had one bunny, but I really had two.

I have thought for most of the year that I was blameless, but now I am not so sure. When we refuse to see the hurt others bear, or when we think their hurt is their own to palliate, perhaps we are as guilty as Scrooge.

By what magic will this story resolve itself happily?

I have, this one year, learned more about myself, about love, about fate and free will, about connecting, about the places where logic fails, and where logic sustains, about emotions I never wish to see again in myself, about the grace and beauty of the people who know and love me, and about examining my shortcomings---more about all these facets of life than I ever learned, or will ever learn, in any book I've ever read.

And for all that learning, I have not finished yet. Tonight, on the eve of when it all happened, I feel that pang most keenly of all.

Snowflakes, Army Crawling, and Carolers

2010-12-07T21:36:00.000-08:00

Over thirty years ago, my mom cut out five snowflakes from paper, attached them to ribbons, and tacked them above my crib for my first Christmas. Six years later, she did the same for my brother David. Each year that we lived with my mom and dad, we slept under our snowflakes at Christmastime. I remember many Christmastime nights, looking at the shadows of my snowflakes on the ceiling, shadows cast by the little lighted tree I had on my nightstand.

When Katie was born, I knew I wanted to continue this tradition started by my mother. I still remember sitting in the family room of our previous house and cutting them out for her.

This is a picture taken in December of 2007, right after we put up Katie's snowflakes. She was only a little over a month old, my sweet baby.

This week, the time came to make Eric's snowflakes. Because I have grown into even more of a worrier, I didn't hang them over his crib (I am afraid one of the tacks will come out, the ribbon will fall down, and that he will get tangled in it at night---silly, I know, but parents have to be silly because it is our job to be). My mom therefore had the good idea to hang them over his changing table, where he can see them all the time when he gets changed.

Katie and I worked on snowflake making over the span of a few days in the playroom. I let her use safety scissors to cut scraps of paper while I worked. Eric played nearby, practicing his army crawl. Today, I finally had them all assembled with the ribbons and had a moment to hang them up:

Eric looks at his snowflakes.

The tradition lives on...I wonder if my children will one day make snowflakes for their children?

Eric is starting to be on-the-move. I can see now that the challenges of having two children age three and age four months are going to involve my needing to grow two more heads and about three more pair of arms. I thought safety-proofing the house for one mobile child was a big task...now we have so many more little toys and figures and small things to think about being on the floor where Eric might have access to them if we are not constantly mindful. I am very excited that he is curious---he is showing intentionality about wanting to get places and has the cutest little "I am going to get that thing" face that he makes---and persistent in his efforts. I am just hoping we fall easily into the new patterns and rhythms his mobility will require of us.

I believe, however, that we will. At each stage of being a mother, when routines or patterns have had to change (such as moving into a two-story house from a single story, or going from one child to having a toddler and a newborn), things have always worked out. New patterns of movement or new routines have always been established. Our whole afternoon and evening routine has changed now that Eric is here---and you know what? It is nicer. No, I never (and I do mean never) watch anything on TV when it actually airs anymore (I don't usually stay up that late now and most the hour between 7:30 and 8:30 is spent getting the kiddos to sleep), but that's what our DVR is for. I just have to be far more choosy about what entertainment I will allow to occupy precious time. I am often up to see the sunrise. Katie and I sometimes get five books together at night and sometimes just one...but there is even more singing in our house now than there was, and there was quite a bit before. I used to cuddle her and read to her in the cozy chair downstairs, and now we do that in her own bed (and I never thought I'd find something as good as our cozy chair time and yet I have). Each stage and each adaptation is beautiful and happy in its own right. I have learned to take each phase as it comes and make the most of whatever is required of me or us. Coziness and contentment are states of mind and heart. We will find a way to adapt to Eric's new mobility---we have to.

Eric was practicing his army crawl in Katie's room this morning while Katie cheered him on!

Finally, we had an art project today. I am trying to fit in one extra special, totally Christmassy event or project each day until Christmas Eve. It could be a project, baking, a wintry activity, etc. I am probably crazy to make this a goal, but I want this December to be memorable and magical for my daughter and full of the sounds, scents, and feel of Christmas for Eric. Christmas in the heart keeps a person childlike. I knew someone for most of my life who had Christmas in his heart more than most anybody else I ever met. I want to give that spirit to my children.

We made a trio of Christmas carolers today:

Katie with our project....

Another great and easy idea from Disney's Family Fun magazine, these carolers are extremely affordable: in fact, they were free because we had everything on hand. We cut a paper towel roll into three sections, painted each section together, and printed off the sheet music for Joy to the World from an image online. We used construction paper for the faces and mittens. Pairs of socks that no longer fit made the hats.

I usually take more pictures of our art process, but it was a little difficult to fit that in, especially since I had Toastmasters this morning, too. Oh well. But we did snap a couple of our finished product, which are set on the table by the Christmas tree. A fun craft to make the day full of Christmas happiness!

Festivity

2010-12-07T18:29:00.000-08:00

We have been celebrating December with joy in our hearts, Christmas songs (we love the a cappella group Straight No Chaser and several other favorites) on our playlist, and at least one special festive project or activity each day. My goal is to do something Christmassy each day until Christmas Eve, but we'll see how that goes... In the meantime we have been reading Christmas stories by our tree and enjoying our traditions this week.

DECEMBER 1st: Get The Tree Day

We began the first day of December with our "cone-iferous" advent calendar of course. Katie loved the Hershey's Kiss hiding underneath. Then we took a picnic breakfast to one of our favorite parks and ate and played "hide-n-seek." I have Eric zoom around in my arms to find his sister, and we all have fun with that game. We then went back home and met my dad, who helped us get our tree this year.

A little out of order...but this was after we'd finished decorating. We relaxed with candy canes and danced to The Nutcracker (which we saw on Thanksgiving weekend). Katie loves the Chinese Dance and Russian Dance. I spin her very fast on the Russian Dance.

Santa's little helper!

Katie picked out an angel for the top of our tree this year, as our star had a habit of bending over. We love our angel.

With the kiddos in our Christmas jammies before bed, enjoying our tree.

Picking out the tree together---Eric's first tree!

DECEMBER 2nd: Making Fudge

Katie, Eric, and I made fudge on this day, and then we took some of it to our TVHS friends at the book club meeting. I have decided that I cannot be trusted around fudge this year. I might make another batch for our party this weekend, but I have to figure out a way to make sure that most of it is eaten by other people. I think fudge might be my biggest craving this season so far...

DECEMBER 3rd: Ice Skating

On Friday we went ice skating at the rink in Old Town Temecula. There is so much Christmas spirit in our city, and everywhere there are seasonal things to see and do and enjoy. I have only ever been ice skating twice (as of Friday) in my life, and this was Katie's first time. My mom has more experience, and she helped to teach Katie. Although Katie was a little unsure of her feelings about ice skating, she has since talked about wanting to go again several times. I loved it this time, and I am eager to try again, too. I always think of the Vince Guaraldi Trio's "Skating" composition for A Charlie Brown Christmas when I think of ice skating.

We warmed up to get a feel for our blades.

After a few turns around the wall, Katie was ready to explore: she pulled me out into the center! I was super motivated not to fall because I didn't want to pull Katie down. We did fairly well balancing together.

Hey, is this easy?

DECEMBER 4th: A Christmas Carol at the Old Town Theater

Ever since we bought tickets to see A Christmas Carol, I have been telling Katie pieces of this famous Dickens tale to prepare her for her theater experience, and we have also watched the Patrick Stewart version. Something about the story resonates with Katie, and it is, by FAR, her favorite Christmas story, movie, etc. this year. For a couple of weeks now, she has had us playing in the role of Marley and Scrooge---almost constantly when we are free-playing at home. She has even gotten into some Dickens' language, and I have explained some of the similes and old expressions to her. She does not like the Ghost of Christmas Future, so we leave that one out usually. I am tickled silly, of course, being an English major and teacher, that she loves Dickens' work and understands it. Moreso, it gives us a way to talk about some important Christmas themes: compassion, charity, humility, grace, joy, Christmas spirit in the heart, etc.

We went to see the live performance with my mom on Saturday:

Watching the orchestra tune before the performance begins.

Pretty ladies after the show.

Excited for the show to begin.

Looking at my daughter with contentment.

Katie and Max, the Grinch's dog. Katie likes how The Grinch, of course, has much in common with Scrooge.

DECEMBER 5th: Gingerbread House Day

We make a gingerbread house every year! I don't have a picture of the finished house yet, but here are a few from our day on Sunday.

The kiddos and I walked to one of our favorite parks for some playtime.

Walking home, we crunch the leaves and sing a "crunch the leaves" song.

Katie begins to decorate our gingerbread house.

DECEMBER 6th: Christmas Present Shopping Day

My mom and I had our annual "Christmas Shopping at the Mall" Day on Monday. I try to avoid the mall lately, and I have done almost all of my Christmas shopping online this year (it is much easier, with two kiddos). Still, I had one exchange gift left to get at Williams-Sonoma and was also looking for a Christmas Eve outfit. It was a marathon Christmas shopping day. I used an old Macy's gift card on some more Christmas tree Spode for our Christmas Eve breakfast, and I also found Eric's "Baby's First Christmas" ornament this year. Very exciting purchases, and the gift cards took some of the edge off.

Eric and Katie also met Santa!

Waiting in line to meet Santa....

Happy to meet Santa! Santa was magical this year---there has even been a good editorial written about this Santa in the local paper this year. He seems uncommonly kind and gentle and patient, and when I talked with him he had a twinkle in his eye. He told me how much it meant to him to be Eric's "first" Santa---that was really neat and I could tell that feeling was coming from his heart. I saw him be patient and kind with the children in front of us, even getting on the floor for one who was especially scared. It was fascinating that Katie liked this Santa. She had the opportunity to meet "Santa" last year and said she could tell that one wasn't real (at two-years-old!!!), but she took one look at this Santa, and she was convinced. He even had me believing again...

I love this picture of both of them. This is one good Santa this year. Temecula got lucky that Santa is taking time from his North Pole duties to come visit our city!

This is a time for a festive heart! Happy Christmas season to everyone!

Date with my Best Girl

2010-11-24T16:19:00.000-08:00

Katie has been so patient with having to share my attention with her brother, and she is always loving toward him. Still, I know it has not always been easy for her, especially since it was just the two of us for so long. With that in mind, I wanted to take her on another mother-daughter date this month. We had a perfect opportunity: Tangled, Disney's new film about Rapunzel, came out in theaters today and Bill was home to take care of Eric.

Although Katie has been to live theater several times now, she had not yet been to a movie theater. I was excited to give her this first experience. She loved it! She has learned to be super quiet in the theater, and so she even asked me if it was okay to make crunching sounds while chewing her popcorn. Sweetie pie! In fact, outside of eating a piece of popcorn off the lobby floor (EW!!! I thought we had established not eating off the floors when she was 2 ?!?!?), she did GREAT at the movie theater.

Afterward we briefly went into the mall to pick out a pair of Christmas jammies for Katie and Eric, and then we went to Golden Spoon for some frozen yogurt. A very fun date!

We really enjoyed Tangled, which was both cuter and full of more substance than I expected. This version of Rapunzel's character is extremely appealing, and even Flynn the thief-turned-sympathetic-helper was winning despite his occupation. Despite a couple of odd and modernist elements, like the gang of villains who turn out to have soft hearts full of unclaimed dreams (such as playing the piano or....becoming a professional mime?...what?), I felt this film was nonetheless charming. It probably helped that I was getting to see it with one of the people I love most in the world, and that she was so excited for it and laughing.

Katie is ready for our date. I always tell her that she should only ever go on dates with someone who thinks she is one of the best people in the world. It is important that parents set the standard for dating. We actually believe that dating is only for the purpose of getting married; it should be more like courting. We make sure Katie knows that we would never want to her spend time with someone who would ever treat her less well than her parents do or who would ever try to part her from her family.

Katie admires the huge Christmas tree at the mall.

Katie with our bucket of popcorn in the theater while waiting for the movie to begin. I usually don't get popcorn anymore, actually, but for her first time I wanted to give her a really classic experience.

I loved having this special time with my girl and reforging our bond. Of course when I came home, one of the first things I did was scoop Eric off of Bill's lap and cover him with kisses!

Cone Advent Calendar

2010-11-23T16:31:00.000-08:00

With Christmastime so near, it has been time this week to start organizing ourselves a bit more methodically for the season. I've been working through a deep-clean of the house (not so fun), making our Christmas cards (fun, but a reminder to myself to focus on joyfulness of heart and not perfectionism, because, really, perfectionism is a drag), and starting our Christmas projects (really, really all fun). I missed blogging about our Thanksgiving turkey pinecone craft, but I promise that I have been making Thanksgiving a distinct holiday for the kiddos. Well, okay, the lines got a little blurry this week: reading The Grinch Who Stole Christmas was just too enticing with the rain and the firelight, and I actually played Christmas carols this morning.

We are planning to decorate this coming Friday, and I had to decide what to do about our advent calendar. Last year, I had an advent calendar I'd gotten on sale the year prior and saved...and we also made a classic paper chain. It was a little much to do each one every morning and there were drawbacks: the advent calendar was small for Katie's dexterity at the time, and the paper chain (when it wasn't falling down) started to be unreachable as the days counted down. This year I have been pondering: what to do?

I thought about buying another advent calendar, nostalgic from my childhood, but for Katie it would still be difficult to use (the numbers can be hard to find, too), plus there is the expense. They aren't super expensive, but I knew I could do something more cheaply. I thought we might give the paper chain another go, but then I found this from Disney's Family Fun magazine. It is the "cone-iferous forest advent calendar" and the template for making the varied sizes of cones is online. How easy is that?

Since we were up early we had plenty of time to get it done before Toastmasters. Another reason I am thankful for my teaching career prior to having children? I can be energized and ready to teach my babies with a smile by 7:15 AM (with some good coffee, I might add).

Some pictures:

Taken last night right before bedtime: goodnight, babies. Get some sleep before your project tomorrow.

Eric looks on from the couch, and happy Katie is ready to start our paper craft. She loves, loves projects...and it has been more challenging (understatement of the year) to fit in as many as we used to now that we are a family with two children. But I actually have had some time more recently to do my prep, so we have some projects on board for the coming weeks.

Basically, the "calendar" consists of several cones or Christmas trees. We made ours very colorful just for fun. Katie and I held the pen together to write the numbers, and she glued on almost all the number circles. We made a glitter star for the 24th tree, the Christmas Eve tree. A little cut-up butcher paper beneath makes snow.

What I love about these trees: they are hollow, so I can hide little treats underneath. I bought some Christmas Hershey's Kisses on sale, and they will fit perfectly under the trees for a little nibble of chocolate each day. The kisses were $3.00 and the only money I spent on this craft (not counting the construction paper, glue, scissors, and glitter which were all on hand).

So I really love this project and it should be fun for Katie to use this year. She can reach this ledge fairly easily now that she has her stool that she painted. The numbers are big enough that we can use this as a good numerical teaching tool for numbers higher than 10.

I'm pretty excited about this one. I definitely recommend this project if you are looking for a traditional advent calendar alternative for little children.

Growing Younger

2010-11-23T15:55:00.000-08:00

With just a little time to catch up on my blogging for the week while my son and daughter sleep---miraculously---at the same time, I reflect on their innocence, their faith in my husband and I as their parents, their excitement for life. In what ways can we keep our hearts always this young and supple? How do we find within ourselves our very essence?

So often I have the perception that Life reveals themes for me to ponder in concentrated forms. This afternoon at Toastmasters all three formal speakers gave speeches that embraced a common theme: the relationship of the unique and aging self to the Universe. I frequently leave Toastmasters and the genuine, thoughtful people I have met there, with questions about the greater truth. There may be a perception that we come together each Tuesday only to work on our speaking skills, yet what I see and hear from my friends there is an authentic opening of their hearts and minds as they stand before the rest of us. Jerone Lee asked us today to consider ourselves as part of a symphony, each one of us a special instrument that must play our individual part with faith that the Great Conductor will help us to transition from theme to theme. He exhorted us to celebrate our unique roles, without fear. He acknowledged that some of us play minor melodies of melancholy, and others play the bright major notes of optimism. His metaphor was quite powerful, made more heartfelt by experience as a musician who has played all over the world.

As I look at my children napping nearby one another, I wonder what each of their roles will be in this great wide universe.

Bob Freel, whose objective today was to plunge us into a mood of merrymaking with a humorous speech, reminded us that growing physically old is inevitable. Exaggerating the use of his body, Bob demonstrated the seven ways to deal with putting on underwear as we age, the three ways of getting up off of the ground, and a few other unexpected pieces of advice for dealing with our declining bodies. In an ironic twist, however, Bob proved that he has the stamina of one young at heart and quite fit: few people could have actually pulled off the physically demanding slapstick speech that he showed us. He was rolling on the ground, jumping around, and keeping a good pace despite the aerobic nature of his speech. I found myself thinking about Jerone's speech and the idea of Bob using his time---and our time on Earth is finite---to put something positive out into the world. In all the time I have known him, I have known Bob to be someone who wants the best from others and who, most importantly, seems to hold himself to that same standard. I think that may be what I respect most about him. He uses his voice, his instrument, to put passion and humor and thought before audiences big and small.

We never know why, at first, our paths intersect with those of certain people for a time. There may be cases why we never know even at the end. But I do know I am meant to be learning from this particular group of people right now, and that is one of the reasons I keep returning. Bob addressed even some of us who were younger in the audience, as he joked that one day we would all be old and going through similar situations. Even though most of me found that very humorous, the serious side of Sarah got just a little sad. I know someday when I am 80-years-old or 90-years-old, some of these friends that I see every week will no longer be here. In that moment when I am doing the knee-bounce to stand up, will I remember Bob in his Grumpy t-shirt making jokes and talking just about this very moment? I know I will.

And then there was Steve Matley's prepared speech. Steve is known for his humor, but this speech was quite serious. In a speech that almost had me in tears several times (I used to cry only very rarely, but after having children I am a ball of weepiness, probably permanently), Steve spoke of being a young dad and raising his daughters. He demonstrated several magic tricks that he used to do for them and how they always believed in "Daddy Magic", especially when they were young. He could solve any problem, making anything better, heal any hurt. And then they grew up...

It was a poignant speech, I thought, as I sat next to my own dad at the meeting. I thought of how my dad used to make hand puppets, too, and it was only just like yesterday. There was nothing my dad couldn't do. In my heart of hearts, even though my mind knows he is human just like me and therefore given the same limitations we all have, I still believe that my dad can fix anything or do anything. It made me both happy and nostalgic to realize that I still think that of my own dad. I have faith in him, and in my mom, beyond the faith they probably both have in themselves. I wonder if I seem that way to my own children. It's funny, because I know that I am still such a baby in so many ways, myself: every once in awhile life brings me puzzles to solve and I realize that adults/parents don't have all the answers. If anything, adulthood and parenthood only bring more questions. So, does that mean that my parents still feel like children, too, sometimes? Do they still have questions, too? Do I see them as adults even when they don't feel like they are?

Steve's larger point, though, was that he, too, has faith in his "daddy," God (Jerone's Great Conductor) even when he has burdens that feel too heavy to bear. It was either Steve or Jerone (and I think it was Steve) who compared faith to the innocence of a child sleeping.

Which returns me now to my own sleeping children. And how much I hope their faith in me is not misplaced, even though in my darker self-critical moments, sometimes I think it is. I am so imperfect and have many moments when I wish my children could have a better guide through this life than I am---like someone who knows everything about what she's doing. But I know that isn't realistic. I know that, perhaps, no real parent ever feels like she does know everything. We are just waiting for our children to discover how imperfect we are, and then, by some kind of grace, to love us regardless.

Even half as much as we love them.

Home Renews the Heart

2010-11-17T19:21:00.000-08:00

Every once in awhile when an element of my life falls out of balance, I find myself temporarily out of touch with my authentic self. This week I have been on a quest to renew myself and tune back into authenticity. I haven't been writing, because nothing bothers me more than to write when I lack an authentic voice---or at least, a solid grip on my authentic voice. Writing can be many things, but for me it must be true. Yet because I have not been writing (even falling behind in my gratitude journal), I am even more removed from the place in my heart where I am most genuine. A vicious cycle. I finally got frustrated at myself yesterday when I tried to write something and found myself completely at odds with my search for my authentic voice in the piece. When a voice (and I do mean voice, specifically, and not rhetorical devices, which one can alter to suit an audience) is really authentic, it can be itself anytime and anywhere, to any audience---and even if the audience doesn't agree with the message, one hopes that at least the audience recognizes the sincerity.

For me, especially the older I get, I am becoming more of a stickler for this: if it isn't sincere and authentic, it is not really worth doing, or perhaps should morally not be done. Debate can ensue on the latter half of this statement, readers, if you wish. ;-)

Lately, with my tendency to burn candles at both ends to work on personal projects and business and the natural tendency of children to awaken in the middle of the night (Katie, at 3, still wakes up most nights for comfort), I haven't been getting as much sleep as perhaps I should. Eric has started sleeping for many-hour stretches, which helps, but I still find myself conditioned this week to wake up at his previously established feeding times. My mind then starts whirring and just when it starts to get sleepy, one of my children will wake up. So, sleep has been out of balance.

Finding those moments of personal rejuvenation has also been a little out of balance this month. Of course it is, with two children, and that has a tendency to happen as an involved mother. I prepared myself for this period many months ago, knowing it would occur. I remember that one of the major benefits of college and learning to live with roommates is that I had to make my private spaces in my mind---mental compartments I could go into for a moment to revitalize even when there were people around me. I need to work more at tapping back into those peaceful areas, even in the midst of busy and happy noise. I have been working, too, with Katie on learning to entertain herself a bit when I am working on business or other projects. At almost every moment of her life, I have entertained, played with, stimulated, talked with, and taught her---and done almost everything else while she was napping or asleep for the night. Since she has almost entirely phased out naps, we are working on a new dynamic. I know that in the long run we will be able to work on separate projects side by side, but it is taking quite a bit of creative effort to give her the confidence that I still love her and acknowledge her when we are working on separate things or when I need to give concentrated attention to Eric.

Thus today I tried to go back to the source: gratitude, simplicity, and appreciation for home. Whenever I start feeling out of balance and out of harmony with myself, I begin the return journey by giving my thanks. Something about the simple act of identifying the parts of life for which I am grateful gives me the perspective I need to laugh at myself, find my creativity, and give the deeper parts of myself to my husband and children.

So it was a day of playtime and art and baking cookies with my children. For me, often, when I focus on filling up my childrens' cup, it so happens that in the end I also fill up my own. We return to the less complicated joy of simply being with one another and letting home renew our hearts. That joy is the reason I am able to write tonight, authentically and more in harmony with myself. I've never had a job outside of the home that was more demanding, or rewarding, than raising these two kiddos. I've never had a job that required more of everything I have to offer, or that asked me to reach deeper into my stores of energy, patience, intelligence, or, sometimes, sheer willpower to keep going on those exhausted days. Late last week I did some business writing for my dad's website, and that actually felt like a break or even a hobby! The mothering gig makes writing an eight to ten page paper on literary theory for a graduate level course in college seem like child's play.

Today, we played with joy in mind:

Eric and Katie work on "tummy time." He is getting stronger!

Sweet kiddos!

We put on our paint clothes and painted a wooden stool for Katie to use in the downstairs bathroom as she washes her hands.

We each painted a part of it. Katie explained her swirly technique to me, and I learned from my daughter how much fun it is to blend colors at whim and see what beauty arises (instead of trying to be so Type A about it, which is how I usually try to paint---and which is why I am not a visual artist). ;-)

Eric in his bath. Oh, he loves his bath! He likes to suck on clean washcloths just like his sister did.

Baking cookies. We tried a healthier recipe today: lower carbs, lower fat, lower sugar. They are moist and tasty. Thanks, Ellie Krieger!

Katie still loves her magnifying glass. I love how her own face is magnified here.

So, I am wishing you all an authentic week, and a week in which giving thanks is a means to remember the truest source of your joy.

Love,
Sarah

Aunt Debbie's 60th Birthday (SURPRISE) Party

2010-11-07T21:38:00.000-08:00

My Aunt Debbie turned 60-years-old this past week and my cousin Jed and Uncle Tom threw her a surprise party this weekend! We loved celebrating with her, and I know we made the right choice in choosing to attend: Katie had also received her first invitation to a birthday party for a little girl in our music class, but the two events conflicted. It was finally resolved in our hearts to honor our family before our friends. I was proud of my girl, who chose our family first, when I had and heart-to-heart with her and asked her where her heart's desire lay (prefaced by the caveat that mommy would make the final decision). She had a child's clarity about it that was refreshing, and in being with my aunt yesterday and watching the friendship between Katie and her cousins, I knew our hearts led us true.

So many aspects of the birthday party were witness to this: Aunt Debbie's joy in seeing everyone, Katie and Violet laughing as they played with Jed and me outside, a slide show showing Aunt Debbie's life and the realization that yes, "the seasons, they go round and round/and the painted ponies go up and down..." and that we are in the season of watching our childhood recede and our mothers take up the mantle of grandmotherhood.

Aunt Debbie watching the slide show.

Eric and his Nana.

Nana with two of her three grandchildren (my brother and Ashley came, but this was taken after they left toward the end of the party) and all four great-grandchildren.

The next generation of cousinhood, all snuggled up together.

Cousin Jed makes a sleigh from a blanket and takes the girls for a ride.

We play "ring around the rosie." At some point during our play, I was watching my daughter play with Jed and Violet...and I was struck by how it seems like just yesterday that Jed and I were running around that same yard playing our mystery/clue game we always used to play together. It was a beautiful and poignant realization all at once...

Violet and Katie playing in the backyard.

Joy!

We are thankful for this time with our family, and a weekend filled with cousins on both sides of our family. I cannot state enough how grateful I am to my parents and my aunts and uncles for solidifying in our youth the bonds of family and the friendship among us all. May those bonds and friendships last us through our lives.

Beach Picnic in November

2010-11-07T21:20:00.000-08:00

As the keeping of the family together becomes the responsibility of my generation, I realize ever moreso the gift that my parents and their siblings gave us in making sure we had friendships and memories with our cousins over the years of our childhood. My cousins feel more like brothers and sisters than cousins. Some of us even dream of a family compound someday, a place where we all can live within walking distance to one another across many acres of farm land. I love my cousins so much, and I hope that we can always be an example of a family who is loyal and loving to its own, of family members who never leave one another, of one unit who will always rally the wagons and search to support one another even as we must make difficult decisions together.

After music class on Friday, I drove the kiddos to my cousin Hannah's house in Oceanside. She lives right next door to Aunt Diane and Uncle Brad, and my cousin Kd is minutes away in Vista. We planned a beach picnic and hoped to get as many cousins as possible with us. Bethy was able to meet us, and we all ate, watched and played in the ocean, and marveled and rejoiced at the beautiful day. We thought the beach might be crowded given the weather, but we happened to be on a stretch of sand with almost no one but the seagulls hopping about.

November in California has its advantages!

Eric's first glimpse of the ocean. He loved watching the tide...I dipped two of his toes in but not for long, as the water was somewhat cold.

Katie plays on the beach.

Beth and Katie.

Picnic time!

Kd and Hannah give Eric love.

A golden moment.

Dancing in the water together.

Hannah and Eric at our picnic spot.

Eric got to visit with his Grand-Aunt when she got home from work. I got to visit with both my aunt and uncle, and I just thought it was really awesome to feel so welcome at their house without it being a family party day or without my parents, like just dropping in. I love having so many parental figures in my life, not only my parents but also my aunts and uncles---and I am thankful that my parents have made decisions to ensure that this would be the case.

I love this picture of Kd, helping to build the sandcastle.

When I give my gratitudes each day, I am always thankful for my cousins and my family. They are my treasure.

Halloween

2010-11-07T20:57:00.000-08:00

The year Katie was born, I brought her home on Halloween. Ever since, the holiday has felt like an extension of her birthday to me, another day to celebrate my October Baby, my little pumpkin girl. We always have my parents over for Halloween, and some of us go out trick-or-treating, and some of us pass out candy. This year, Bill manned the door and the rest of us---including Eric!---braved the night. It is funny how Katie had to wait until she was 2-years-old to be allowed out on Halloween, and now Eric is only three months old and he is already dressing up and in his stroller (he was just along for the ride: I believe you can't collect candy until you can walk and do the work for it). Ah, younger siblings catch all the breaks, no? ;-)

We listened to our Halloween play list while eating our dinner: penne with a pumpkin cream and sage sauce; quesadillas cut to look like jack-o-lanters, and fruit salad. We mulled apple cider while we were out, and then we came back and sorted Katie's candy while sipping the warm drink. We closed up the house at 8:00 PM, the kiddos' bedtime, but in truth we had very few people this year. We made a festive time of it, however!

Carving our pumpkins. Katie chose happy faces for both this year---she is definitely not into scary things!

Mr. Pumpkin!

A dalmatian, a cat, and a pumpkin. Katie knew she wanted to be a doggy (her very favorite animal) months and months ago. When I asked her this past summer what I should be, she wanted me to be a cat to go with her dog. I chose Eric's pumpkin costume after he was born.

Ready for trick-or-treating!

Halloween 2010!

Katie's 3rd Birthday

2010-10-30T15:41:00.000-07:00

My little girl turned three-years-old yesterday! Do I even need to say how much too quickly the time has gone? Or how it seems like just seconds ago that I was kissing her little baby toes and holding her for the first time? I find myself unable to think too much about how time has passed, or I start to feel tears in the back of my throat and a yearning to hold my little Baby Kate again...and to freeze time forever in the moment we're in.

We began the day with our weekly music class in Fallbrook. We all dressed up in our Halloween costumes, and so it was fun to feel festive.

Home again, Katie and I finished some of the dinner preparations, which began on Thursday. We made chocolate frosting for our cake and decorated it. Right after that, my Eric had a bit of time reacting to his immunizations (both kiddos had check-ups on Thursday). Katie used to sleep them off with hardly a reaction; Eric developed a low-grade fever and was a bit fussy. He is such, such a mellow guy (our pediatrician in fact remarked how "sociable" he is) that any fussing for him is definitely a sign of hardship. He hadn't taken much to eat, but thankfully my Nurse Mom came over and made a little sugar water and got him settled and helped to draw the fever off naturally. He spent time with Boppa while Katie, our cousins, and I went to the pumpkin patch. When we got back, Eric was feeling much better and ready for a birthday party!

Here are some pictures of our sweet girl's birthday:

She loved her tea table from cousin Hannah, who gifted us also with real Yorkshire tea---the loveliest cup of tea I've ever had. Hannah is from England, and everything about her---her manners, her taste, her use of language---makes part of me want to be British, too. I remember how I sometimes used to feel that way in high school, as well.

Katie's birthday cake. She asked for a yellow (butter) cake with chocolate frosting. I love making my daughter's cake every year, as a little way to honor our bond as mother and daughter.

Making a wish!

Earlier in the afternoon, our cousins Kd and Hannah came over, and we all went through the corn maze at the nearby pumpkin patch. I was extremely touched that Kd and Hannah suggested coming for Katie's birthday, cousins who are much like siblings to me really. Katie is absolutely delighted with them and looks up to them, as you can see in this picture.

Through the corn maze! Katie brought her magnifying glass to look for clues. It was a present in the morning; she got to open one before the day started.

Daddy and Eric hang out before dinner. Eric is enamored of Bill. When Bill comes home, Eric gives him the biggest smiles, and they talk/coo together constantly.

Eating her cake and ice cream.

Boppa and Eric love each other so much.

Birthday guests! (Katie is hugging Eric).

Some of these pictures were captured by Hannah....I am so thankful that she took so many as I often forget. I love this one she took of Eric. He seems to be saying, "Hmmmm."

Katie holding Kd's hand.

The birthday table. Oh yes, party hats!

Happy birthday, 3-year-old!

Hannah taught us how to make Shirley Temples the English way! They were different than our American way, and so good!

Katie loves the tea table from cousin Hannah and cousin Brandon.

Opening presents.

Tractor at the pumpkin patch.

Watching the pig races.

So my little Baby Kate has turned three! Last night I cuddled her to sleep, and right as she fell asleep I sang her our special song, the first song I ever sang to her in the hospital.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes: Disneyland Trip 2010

2010-10-25T18:01:00.000-07:00

"A dream is a wish your heart makes/When you're fast asleep..."

For Katie's 3rd birthday, which is actually this coming Friday the 29th, we took a family trip to Disneyland and the Disneyland Hotel for a few days last week. Organizing the trip last July, I remember thinking at the time how excited I was that Eric would be born by the time we went and how he would be with us. Amazing how fast time goes...

Everything about our trip was magical. We happened to be there during an overcast patch of weather, which meant that we zipped through twelve attractions and also had time for the parade and several meet-the-character lines. We went with my mom and dad, and we were lucky to have cozy adjoining rooms in the hotel. Katie really loved her birthday trip, especially, and I think all of us had longings to return once the trip ended. October is so magical as it is, and this little trip right in the middle has made the month extraordinary. We are all so thankful for the memories we have made and now all share.

I have about a million, trillion, bazillion pictures...so here are really just a few. (My Facebook album is filled with more). Sorting through them for our scrapbook is almost impossible, in the best of ways! Although they are out of order, here are a few pictures:

Amie and Katie wait in line with Daddy and me for the submarine ride while Eric hangs out with Boppa.

Katie had fun on the Autopia! It was like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, part II!

When we checked into the hotel, we were greeted with several little magical Disney touches. They knew it was her birthday, so they gave her balloons, a special birthday badge, and a photo card of the major princesses, signed by all of those princesses.

On the day we checked out, we went over to The Grand Californian for their Storyteller's Cafe brunch with several critters.

Walking to dinner at Goofy's Kitchen on the first night, we actually saw Cinderella's carriage drive by. Later, we saw her glass slipper, too. Cinderella and her Fairy Godmother walked by on their way somewhere at the park, said hello, and commented on Katie's Cinderella cup in the stroller. I love how attentive the cast is to children at Disneyland.

Eric liked Small World.

Eric looks around Fantasyland. He is such a mellow little baby to travel with.

Eric Pan! Eric got a Peter Pan hat with his name stitched on to commemorate his first Disneyland adventure.

Cinderella and her brother at the hotel.

Goofy's Kitchen: we met Goofy, Minnie, Jasmine, Aladdin, and Pluto. Katie was enchanted. We got to dance with several of them, as well.

Smiley Boy was content to look around from his stroller.

Goofy enthralled Katie during dinner on the first night. The kitchen even brought out a cupcake and sang for her birthday.

I've never been to Disneyland in October since they started decorating it for Halloween. It was amazing! Here, I am in line with my latte and my baby for the Haunted Mansion.

Princess Jasmine and Katie admire each other's dresses.

Kisses for Winnie the Pooh!

Katie got her first set of mouse ears! She also went on her first roller coaster, the Matterhorn. She thought it was a bit scary!

Main Street, USA!

Meeting Pluto again!

Pajama party! Our headboard sparkled with light and played "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." Enchanting.

Meeting Sleeping Beauty. So happy!

Whee on the teacups!

With Amie as we are about to go on the Winnie the Pooh ride.

All of us were a little sad to leave, it seemed, and I began to wonder why. There is a tangible happiness at Disneyland, a place to be absorbed by wonder and play. What people like most about Disneyland, perhaps, is that it really is its own ideal world, and enclave mostly untouched by negativity. People are happy when they are there, and being around other happy people is contagious. Humanity seems better, the world nearly perfect. What if we could create the same kind of feeling within our own home? The beauty of Disneyland can be just as accessible from here: it is a heart-attitude, a way of looking at life. What if we could be absorbed by the wonder and simple beauty of our day-to-day lives?

Aiming for the Stars

2010-10-15T18:12:00.000-07:00

As Katie heads toward her 3rd birthday and embraces her role as the Big Sister, we are working on cultivating a new kind of maturity. Not only do we want to give her the tools to continue her good and sweet behaviors, but also we want to give her a way to reflect actively on all that she does well and to be able to be part of the process for making objectives for herself.

Once again, I have been so thankful for my teaching experience and career prior to becoming a parent. One my wise aunts, who is also an educator, once put things in perspective for me when I was asking her about Katie waking up still in the middle of the night at age two: very few teenagers ever wake up wanting comfort from their mommies in the middle of the night, so wait it out and guide with patience. Pick your battles, and know that sometimes children move on their own time lines. The education of character is far more important. I have heard it said a few times recently that, "When I have a child, they will never do...blah-di-blah." Well, never is a strong word. Just wait. Sometimes we think as parents that we can, or should, control everything...but each child is a gift that comes to us, a separate person to be taught and guided. Sure, a tantrum at the dinner table is never acceptable, but as parents we, if we care, are often in the middle of trying everything in our toolbox---much like a passionate teacher who will reteach and reteach a student who just needs to hear it a different way, perhaps several times. Parenting is as much about learning, and commitment both to learning and to our children, as being a child is about learning. I feel empathy for the child whose parents think they have it all figured out before they even begin. Parenting is the most humbling experience...and the most rewarding.

Among her many awesome behaviors, the past few months Katie has still been clinging to one or two more childish behaviors. Even in the last couple of weeks, though, I have seen her decompress and return to more of her normal self with more rest, less external commitments to various classes, more scaffolded preparation going into situations with people she doesn't know as well (which stresses her like it does her father) and---this is one of my tricks---a house filled with song. She responds better to instructions about, say, picking up toys, when I sing all the instructions like an operetta. Our house has been almost like living in a musical this week. I am reminded of learning this a long time ago when she was a few months old and starting her rice cereal. She would only eat it if I sang to her the entire time. Same thing at about a year old when it was dinnertime. Her language is music. I would do better to remember that more often.

So we went to the teaching supply store yesterday and had fun picking out our materials for our "Katie's Stars for Good Behavior" chart. When we got it home, we brainstormed TOGETHER the objectives for her behavior that we wanted to put on it. I reinforced that she was already so good, that it was going to be fun watching her earn her stars. We chose some easier objectives such as "Brushed my teeth this morning," some mid-range like "Helped to straighten my room and playroom," and some that are more challenging on certain days like "Stayed calm and had no tantrums." I wrote the "brushed my teeth this morning" first on the chart, so that she starts the day with a star. I think that is an important trick, psychologically, as it helps give her confidence right away that she is in control of her behaviors.

We also have "Bonus Stars" as possibilities, like "Took my nap today" (we don't nap everyday) or "Helped Mommy with the groceries" or "Helped Mommy dust and polish" etc. We plan on converting the stars to a currency, giving it to her as an allowance, and letting her save and spend some.

I am big on themes, and I also want to teach her specific beauties of character, and so the character trait/theme for the first set of stars is "kindness." I am calling these traits "heart-attitudes" and each one will have a little handmade poster. Right now our "kindness" poster is hanging above the star chart. It contains pictures, examples of how to be kind, and who to be kind to: 1) to Mommy and Daddy; 2) to your brother; 3) to other people; and 4) to yourself. We talked about ways we could be kind to all those groups. I also made sure that we phrased some of her behavior objectives in terms of kindness: "Demonstrated kindness to others today" and "Helped Mommy take care of Eric" and "Shared my toys" for example.

It was important, also, when we wrote our objectives that we phrased all of them in the positive form as much as possible.

Just as in teaching, having these objectives helped not only Katie today; they guided my parenting in a more focused way as well.

Katie earned all of her expected stars today, plus a bonus star! Awesome job, Little One! You are well on your way to being an amazing three-year-old. I love you, and it is an honor to guide you in this life.

Katie puts her stars on her chart...

A completed star chart for the day! We are so proud of you!

Earl Grey

2010-10-13T16:04:00.000-07:00

Recently on a coldish morning I made myself a beautifully steamy cup of Earl Grey, my favorite tea with its slightly orange aroma, its hint of spice. I am not so much of a tea drinker as I once was: I developed my devoted relationship to coffee when I went back to work after having Katie. I'd give myself exactly the distance from my mom's house to the corner Starbucks to cry every day after leaving my baby...and then I'd have to put on my game face to go inside and order my latte. It became my talisman as I stepped inside of my teacher role and tried to compartmentalize the part of me that missed my daughter terribly.

Sipping my Earl Grey on a recent morning, however, transported me back to the days when I used to drink one every day. Like my favorite Star Trek captain, Captain Picard, I would choose my "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot." each morning from the dorm cafeteria my freshman year at Stanford. Back in those days I always mixed a little cream in it before starting the walk to 8:00 AM Latin. Clutching the cup, I always took the same route: out from Twain, past the red hoop fountain and Green Library, down the steps---one of my best friends, Steve, counted them once when visiting from Berkeley (I forget now how many there were)---and onward into the Quad. I suppose the ritual gave me some kind of comfort as I wondered if my eventual alma mater and I had made a wise decision in choosing each other (we did, as it turns out) and what my life would hold beyond noun declensions. All that year I drank my tea, finding my place in the larger world as an 18-year-old. Often I was glad of heart and hopeful in spirit, and sometimes I was in worry...about the demise of my first love relationship which showed early signs of wear stretched so thin over the long distance from Stanford to UCLA, and which eventually imploded over much bigger concerns. During the winter term, when I felt the most homesick, my tea gave me comfort, as did certain music, taking long walks, and writing handwritten letters to my Nana.

The senses of taste and smell: amazing how they can transport us so easily back in time, yes?

As I drank my Earl Grey just a few mornings ago, I was suddenly 18-years-old again for just a moment. I thought for one instant about who I was back then, and all I hoped for and feared, all I thought I would do or might not get to do in life, all that I did not know and all that, despite the years in between, has remained part of my consistent essence. Just like a flash, I saw all these things.

And then I looked around, looked at my Katie playing near me in the kitchen, looked at Eric hanging out on his Boppy pillow while I fixed breakfast. How blissfully funny to know all that I know now, how well and happy it all turned out...and to wonder at the miracle of it all. If only I could go back in time and tell myself not to worry, not to waste moments given to fretting.

One of the biggest differences between myself now and myself then is knowing this: I will always be a recovering perfectionist who struggles with the idea that if I am only good enough or energetic and enthusiastic enough, no one else around me will experience conflict or unhappiness. Yet at age 30 I have gained the understanding that, really, we cannot control the actions or emotions of those around us, however much we want to take away their pains.

All we can truly control is how we react, how we let the work take place in us.

How lucky I am these days that my Earl Grey tea opens my eyes to my children and not to Latin cases. And how thankful I am that I am right where I am at this moment in time and to be old enough to understand what it feels like to live truly in a moment.

October Festivities

2010-10-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

In October, there is coziness, family, and adventure around every corner. We want to make the most of every October day, and our weekend has been blessedly filled with family and time together doing Autumn-y things!

On Thursday afternoon, my mom and I took the kiddos back to Peltzer Farms' pumpkin patch. Although we have already been once this season (haven't yet blogged about that, though the pics are already posted to Facebook), I wanted to take Katie on a pony ride this year. Readers may remember that she got cold feet at the last moment before her pony ride last year; however, this year she was the one to bring it up and ask for one. The October light made the afternoon golden as we spent a blissful hour at the farm.

Katie and Eric in the hay

My beloved little people. No matter that Eric has been with us for two months---I still cannot believe that the two of them are finally here together and that we are making these memories that I have dreamed about for so long.

Katie goes for a ride on Puddin the horse.

This was maybe a couple of turns before she announced definitively "I'm done!" She was the only child riding, and she made it around several times before she wanted to be done.

On Friday, we had a cozy-cousin-baking-crafting-talking day after music class. My cousins Kd Horne and Hannah Lambert drove up from Vista/Oceanside to spend the day with us. Hannah is Brandon's wife and just returned from a trip home (the first in 18 months) to see her family in England. Just down the street from her family's farm is the pub where both C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein wrote their masterworks. Oh, how I long to visit England someday! Kd is my youngest cousin, and her life has been changing in amazing ways lately. We wanted to get together for some womanly heart-renewing time. Kd once made me a card that said it best: We Matics-Lambert-Horne cousins are cousins by family, friends by choice, and often like brothers and sisters. I am so thankful to have these relationships.

Eric visits with his beautiful cousins.

Hannah, Katie, Kd, and I tried a new recipe for pecan tassies.

After a lunch of various cheeses, breads, pumpkin butter, mulled cider, fruit, and ham, we had time to play and talk with each other.

We made more gourd people! (My mom, Katie, and I made gourd people on our first Pumpkin Patch Day---pics on Facebook). Crafting is good for the soul and healing for the heart. I am a firm believer in good food, fellowship, and crafting whenever there are bumps in the road for those we love. We must nourish each other.

Later Friday night, I took the bathed kiddos over to my mom and dad's to celebrate Ashley's 21st birthday! David and Ashley were spending the night at my parents' house on their way to Palomar Mountain for some camping and stargazing this weekend.

Eric hangs out with his aunt and uncle.

Family dinner. Happy birthday to Ashley!

On Saturday my mom came over with a new recipe for pumpkin whoopie pies.

Amie and Katie measure ingredients.

Yummy! The batter is the best part!

We have McGaugh Family Movie Night every Saturday, and now that we're in the month of October, we are choosing movies with October themes. This weekend we watched Ghostbusters. I remember that movie when it was new, when I was about the age of five. Watching it now with my own children is a little surreal...Where does time go? Katie liked it, but we had to cover her eyes at many of the scary parts (scarier than I remember!). She loved Slimer, though, as well as the "Stay Puft" marshmallow man.

I made a thematically appropriate dinner out of our food: mummified hotdogs, ghostly mashed potatoes, and vampire apples.

Sunday morning found us more restful, and we stayed in our pajamas much of the morning. Bill took charge of the kiddos while I slept in (thank you, Husband!). Considering that I have broken a couple of different glass items and managed to flood the kids' bathroom while filling up a bath for Katie all within a week, I think he realized that I needed some more sleep. Sleep deprivation for me results in total klutziness. I love having my two children, but I must say that having two children under three-years-old and one a wakeful newborn is not easy physically. I've never worked this hard in my whole life, to be sure. Thankfully, I love hard work and believe in it and also believe in chugging along even when my body is weary---the mind, heart, and spirit are willing.

On Sunday afternoon, I had a much needed mommy-daughter date with Katie. I hadn't realized how much she, (and I, as well) needed this time alone together until after we were back home. She was absolutely on cloud nine, and she was referring quite a bit to how things "used to be" when it was just the two of us. She even wanted me to "carry [her] downstairs like Eric," so I know she has been thinking about her babyhood. She has been so patient with my time with Eric, often content to sit nearby and play while I am doing something with him. So many times, too, we have sat down to read or play, and he will need to eat or be changed in the middle---and she never fusses or complains about that. But she needed this date with me. I think it is important to make time for siblings both together and one-on-one. Hopefully I will get another chance to do that again with her soon.

For our date we went to the Old Town Temecula Theater to see an operetta of Hansel and Gretel. One of my former students, Nichole Lohre, now a graduate of University of Redlands with degrees in voice and business administration, performed as the Dew Fairy. I loved seeing her and hearing her matured voice. She was my student before I married Bill and long before Katie was part of our lives. It was such a treat to remember her in my classroom long ago and to have Katie meet her after the performance.

Katie waits outside of the theater.

Holding her ticket.

Meeting Hansel and Gretel after the performance.

The witch was a bit scary to her, but she loved the guardian angels (ballerinas) who protected Hansel and Gretel all night in the forest. She did so well watching the performance and deciphering the opera. She sits quietly and still, and she is developing a liking for the rituals of theater-going: paying a visit to Will Call, holding her own ticket, watching the lights go down, taking intermission, returning inside at the bell, applauding at the end. I am so happy Temecula has this theater, an amazing educational and artistic resource in our own backyard. Katie has now seen orchestra, ballet, and operetta performances. We are excited because we have tickets to The Nutcracker next month, and in December we are seeing the play The Christmas Carol.

After Hansel and Gretel, we made a stop for gelato right as the cafe was closing. Gelato is our post-theater ritual, and we shared a mixed berry scoop this time. I loved my date with my firstborn, and Eric got to spend man-time with Daddy. It made for a perfect end to the weekend.

Happy Autumn!

Slowing Down: Taming the "Almighty Me"

2010-10-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

"The translation of the incoherent rage of the toddler at not getting her way is "HOW DARE YOU DENY THE ALMIGHTY ME!!!" It takes more than 34 months for most children to accept that the Almighty Me and "me" are not the same. (In fact, I've run into a fair number of adults who obviously still cling to that fantasy. I call them "terrible twodults." Isn't that clever?)"

Read more: http://www.charlotteobserver.com/2010/03/09/1299805/toddler-always-wants-her-way.html#ixzz11XNrdO2V

I excerpted this from a charlotteobserver.com article that Bill sent me. In trying to balance two children, we have had Katie off of her nap schedule. Throw in the mix a mommy who tends to overschedule activities and isn't as spontaneous as I'd like to be, adjustment to a new family member, and the natural tendencies of being two and three years old, and well, lately we have had some little battles. We are working it out: more naps, time outs when necessary, etc. I am also descheduling us: we are taking a hiatus from gymnastics and ballet (though music will continue) and from a hurried morning pace. We just need time to be together, to have mornings in our jammies without rushing around, and to spend time with family and friends. It is time to listen to the needs of my child and slooooooow down.

It all seemed to culminate last week on Friday, after a week of classes that Katie didn't really seem to want. On Wednesday and Thursday she asked if we could just stay home (from our classes). Of course I encouraged/pushed us to go, but I got to thinking about how she must be feeling. Giving a child opportunities to excel and challenge herself is important, but not at the expense of having time to relax and pursue her own interests at home. Tricky business, this parenting thing. :-)

Anyway, what makes me laugh about that excerpt from above is that I am sure that I still struggle with my "Almighty Me." Certainly one of the chief characteristics of the "Almighty Me" must in fact be pride, from which I suffer greatly. I had a great talk with my friend Lauren on Friday about motherhood and how important it is that mothers be realistic with themselves and with other moms. Why can't we have a play date at each others' houses where we help each other with chores? Why can't we as a culture of moms return to the way of the women helping each other cook for the community barn raising? I definitely fall into the trap as much as anyone: tidying the house for days before friends come over---as if my house is pristine all the time---or overscheduling my child so that she will be competitive for college admissions someday (what if she wants to pursue something else with passion and commitment besides college?)

I was brought almost to my knees with humility, first...and then with laughter, later. A mom at gymnastics told me that her daughter knew her phonics by 20 months old. (She did amend that perhaps it was just basic phonics, as her daughter is now working on longer letter sets currently). I felt as if the heavens opened at that moment and big voice boomed down and asked me, "And what exactly have YOU been doing with your time, Sarah?" Katie is still working on identifying every letter sound correctly, and just lately have we begun word families. I immediately fell into the trap of comparing my work as a parent with that of another mother...a big no no. I could feel my pride, my Almighty Me, becoming defensive.

But then I thought: I have given Katie song while cooking, the quest for magic and beauty, cuddles and books, time spent in her imagination, unbreakable bonds with family. I am sure so many other mothers do, too.

However, it was a pivotal moment in which I understood that my Almighty Me does not need to place my own perfectionistic tendencies onto my daughter. When the Almighty Me wants to be perfect, the regular "me" needs to have a laugh and slow down and realize that I will never be the perfect mother. Hopefully in exposing my own imperfection, Katie will see hope: she will know that she does not need to be without flaw either---one of the better gifts we can give our children.

First October Weekend

2010-10-05T17:48:00.000-07:00

October is a favorite month around the McGaugh household. Life is cozier, the fall menus come out of the recipe folder, days are made magical with trips to the pumpkin patch, and the first of many holidays begin.

We celebrated "October Eve" this year with chicken pumpkin curry for dinner and cozy jammies:

Brother and sister pajamas!

Cuddling my babies.

Earlier that day, we had cozy time!

Eric all bundled in his sweater outfit (which used to be Katie's).

I took Eric with us to music class for the first time last Friday, as well. He didn't attend the first class with us because I wanted to see the class size and come up with a plan to make sure he could have space from the other children if need be. He also had just had his first set of vaccinations the day before, and I didn't think he needed to be out and about. It was so strange attending without him that I definitely wanted him to come along to our second class this session. We did well, and most of the parents and children were very vigilant about being careful with his personal space. I kept him in the carrier, and when we performed a song that required movement from our mats, I placed him outside the little fence that Kara sets up to make our circle. It worked out well.

Ready for music class! (Eric's first attendance out of the womb).

Watching his big sister play before class began. I love how he is looking at her. Is there any doubt who the big sib is in this relationship? ;-)

Also on Friday, we had a play date with my friend Lauren and her two children (one out of the womb and one still in the womb) at a park. The weather was perfect, and it was a much needed time of sharing motherhood and time together.

After the play date, I was much more relaxed and ready for my date on Friday night with Bill. My parents watched our children at their house, and Bill and I got dinner out and watched a movie at home snuggled on our couch. A simple date, but very renewing.

We also went to the Old Town quilt show on Saturday.

We also happened upon the city's annual Greek Festival, put on by the St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church group to raise money for their new church. Why we have never happened upon it before, well, who can say? Being adventurous, my mom and I decided to take the kiddos for lunch. We ate spanakopita and moussaka with a table of people we just met and watched Greek dancing and generally made a time of it. I loved that we got to share time with a little pocket of people celebrating, as though we had a chance to glimpse into how a handful of our community members happened to be spending their Saturday. I also appreciated how much WORK went into the festival. It made me want to know all of the St. Nicholas group more. What a happy accident to have stumbled upon them.

Life is an adventure when you follow the unplanned roads that beckon...

On Saturday night we continued with our McGaugh Family Movie Night and saw The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Katie was quite enchanted, and Bill consequently had to play the role of Thomas the Faun for the remainder of the weekend.

Haunting the 100 Acre Wood

2010-09-28T17:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at the craft store to pick up some floss and linen for my "Do Unto Others" cross stitch (yes, readers, it came!), Katie found the Halloween aisle and was enamored of a dancing mummy. She really wanted to take this mummy home with us---and even braved passing a scary life-size witch twice to see it---but with an on-sale price of $79.00 the dancing mummy had to stay at the store.

So today we decided to make our own mummy: a Piglet mummy!

With a roll of toilet paper and one of our Piglets in hand, Katie is ready to begin the mummification of Piglet...

Mummy Piglet is ready for action! He has a good month or so as a decoration ahead of him!

Later the kids napped (again simultaneously---that's twice in the past week!) while I worked on my cross stitch. I love my new project. I am using a 28 count linen, stitched over two...so my eyes are adjusting, but I actually made quite a bit of progress today on the apple tree in the middle.

Then we started our dinner preparations: we are having pork shnitzel topped with sage-walnut pesto, creamy mashed sweet potatoes with caramelized apples, and corn from our garden.

Katie picked the corn...
...but it was very difficult!
We got it in the end, though!

This morning the kiddos cuddled in Eric's room:

I love these little people so much! Eric is getting bigger each day---time is going too fast! Slow down, Time!

Sugar in Our Hair

2010-09-25T17:14:00.001-07:00

"Cream colored ponies
And crisp apple strudel
Doorbells and sleigh bells
And schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things..."

(from "My Favorite Things," The Sound of Music)

I could not have asked for a better day than this beautiful September Saturday. This morning I spent singing with our children, then reading, playing, and cooking. We watched both UCLA (Bill's alma mater) and Stanford (my alma mater) enjoy victories on the football field. And finally this evening, we all cuddled together during our cozy movie night (Babe).

After breakfast, Katie and I played outside while Bill settled Eric into a nap in his boppy pillow. Katie has been interested in "making potions" lately. Although I attempt to confine these concoctions to the bathtub or sink, I am more and more frequently finding water poured here and there around the family room from unsuspecting glasses that have overstayed their welcome and are too tempting for little curious hands. I can tolerate supreme messes in the name of learning, but I must admit that potion-making in the house is starting to get to me.

So I decided to entice my daughter with an outside potion-making activity on a much grander scale. I am hoping that she will think it is much more fun to make them outside because I allowed her to use a number of ingredients I don't normally provide. I filled up all twelve spaces in a muffin tin with a variety of materials: chives, tapioca balls, crackers, cornmeal, pasta, etc. A little water later, and we had several potions stewing and brewing. She totally had fun!

Another feature of our potion-making: we made our potions all in character. For two days straight Katie has had us in the role of Arwen (the elf-princess) and Aragorn (the rightful king of Gondor). I have been obsessed with The Lord of the Rings lately, and she now knows enough of the story for it to have captivated her imagination. She was Arwen, making her antidotes for the poison on the swords of Orcs. We have the backyard divided up into different regions of Middle-Earth, and this morning while Eric napped, we ran around fighting imaginary Orcs and looking for clues of the Gollum/Smeagol. She loves the fantasy of it, and she made Bill into Gandolf. Eric is playing the role of Rohan's King Theoden.

When Eric awoke, we began making our apple strudel, dessert for tonight's McGaugh Family Movie Night. With all those delicious Julian apples, we wanted to make something sweet. A few days ago I was imagining an apple crumb pie, but then I remembered the lyrics from Katie's and my special song. As many of my readers know, "My Favorite Things" was the first song I ever sang to Katie after her birth and her first birthday party took its theme from those lyrics. She has never eaten or made an apple strudel, so I thought now would be a good time to make part of the song even more real to her. My hope is that she will one day look back on these days of her childhood and find magic here, goodness and happiness to sustain her. I want her to remember the warm kitchen and sitting on the counter and making apple strudel...and to think of our song...and all the times we've sang it together...and to remember how much I will always love her.

Eric and Katie both hold apples...

Both children will help cook today!

Katie holds a piece of apple near Eric's nose so that he can smell the sweet scent.

We discovered many things during our making of apple strudel: 1) Katie loves currants; 2) the addition of orange zest (which wasn't called for) was indeed a yummy idea; 3) phyllo dough is not as difficult to work with as I've always imagined; 4) strudels are most certainly a new "favorite thing"---ours was crisp and delicious, and I think I am about to enter a period of vast strudel experimentation in my kitchen. Let the recipe hunt begin!

At one point during our baking, Katie observed that there was some sugar in Eric's hair where she had caressed him. She asked me about it, a little worried perhaps that maybe it could hurt him or shouldn't be there (she is so careful and gentle with her brother). I responded that sugar in our hair is definitely no problem...and told her truly that any day you have sugar in your hair is bound to be a good one. For how else can it get there except through sweet fun?

So this was a "sugar in our hair" kind of day. The best kind.

Cuddling up with pizzas and Babe (a very cute film, which I liked when I first saw it and now love), we all enjoyed our family time together. Bill and I took turns with Eric while I helped Katie with her dinner. We served vanilla ice cream with our strudel, and the whole house was scented with Autumn.

Contentment.

Signs of Autumn

2010-09-21T17:11:00.000-07:00

Autumn comes with all its coziness, my favorite time of year. I always mark the beginning of the heart of Autumn with my mom's birthday on September 20th. I consider her birthday the first of many holidays/birthdays/made-up holidays (Autumn Day).

The past few days have brought us many signs of fall:

I. MOM'S BIRTHDAY

We celebrated yesterday with a family dinner at our house. Katie and I had fun decorating and preparing beforehand. Some of our pictures tell the story...

Amie with her Eric, one of our newest family members! My Uncle Eric also had a September birthday, and I love to honor his brotherhood to my mom as well as the closeness of their birthdays by using a couple pieces of his china. My mom ate off of one of his plates, and I ate off of the other. (It works out okay to set the formal table with two of his plates, because when I registered for my china, I registered for a couple of settings from several different collections....all of them go together, but are unique).

Katie places the candles in the "Crazy Cake" (really its original name and a family favorite).

Dinner with family.
Katie picks sage from our garden to use in our meal. We made a ham and mushroom rigatoni bake with a nutmeg-spiced white sauce; a butternut squash gratin layered with sage-walnut pesto and romano cheese; spinach salad with Julian apples, raisins, pepitas (small pumpkin seeds), and Point Reyes bleu cheese (Point Reyes is a special place for my mom and for me); and Crazy Cake.

Katie finishes some of the decoration and prep work by placing her collection of party hats on the table.

I love to celebrate my mom because she deserves it. I could never find a better mom for me anywhere.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

II. TRIP TO JULIAN

On Sunday we all (Bill, Katie, Eric, me, Amie, and Boppa) went up to Julian, CA for apple picking season. I had a tip from a friend that Raven Hill Orchards was quite abundant this year, despite a springtime frost hurting many of the other orchards. Excited, we packed up early in the morning and took the long and winding road to the mountain town. I love the drive to Julian, the barren landscapes---which are beautiful to me. How many colors of green and nuances of brown are there in this amazing world? We saw horses and cows and birds soaring on this clear and autumnal day. One of my favorite memories was all of us (except Eric, who was asleep) singing "Build Me Up, Buttercup" together. Katie, Bill, and I all singing together with our voices mingling...the windows rolled down...the scent of the brush...the crispness of the sky. A perfect moment.

We picked for awhile at Raven Hill, and then went into town for lunch, browsing, and pie!

Picking apples with Eric.

Katie picks apples for her bag.

Apple picking day! Did I mention that I love, love, love fall???

III. Apple Treats

With so many apples, it is time to start becoming creative with them in our kitchen. Katie and I spent much of today experimenting and planning how best to use them all.

We decided our first two projects would be baked apple chips (thin slices baked low for an hour) and a savory apple tartlet recipe I made up a few years ago.

Holding our tartlet pans and an apple and ready to cook.

After making the pate brisee, Katie helped to roll in out and press it into the tins.

Adding the balsamic vinegar to the onions. We carmelize apples and onions in balsamic vinegar and brown sugar. (A sprig of fresh thyme is nice here, but we can also use dried). This forms the base of the tartlet, which is then topped with roasted chicken pieces and, today, bleu cheese. I have used gruyere in the past and enjoyed it, but I had bleu on hand today.

Rolling the pie dough.

The great thing is, we only used half of our pate brisee for the tartlets, so we already have another half of chilled pie dough ready to go. I am thinking we will make an apple dessert out of it...either an apple crumb pie or something else.

APPLES!!!! YES!!!! And Autumn!!

Cracks in the Windshield

2010-09-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday morning this past week, I packed the kids up in the car, turned on our favorite songs for singing with Katie, and was almost halfway to ballet when I noticed it: my windshield had a crack. A beautiful arching crack about the length of a dollar bill. Katie said it looked like a rainbow.

By noon we were heading to the bookstore, and I still was choosing not to deal with the crack. My husband will figure it out, I decided, when he gets home.

In the meantime, to see if it was spreading, I marked the end of the crack line with a crayon from Katie's backpack, and in we went to the bookstore.

Only when I came out and looked at the length the crack had spread beyond the crayon line (about 2 inches in an hour) did I realize that I could no longer put off the problem. If the windshield was to be replaced with any expedience, I would need to start making the proper phone calls as soon as we got home. The phone and I don't really go well together, even though I do force myself to take care of my responsibilities via phone if I must. I have no explanation for this, other than the phone and I have never gone well together: I'd rather speak with someone in person or use my writing to express myself. Sigh. I'd never called insurance about a cracked windshield before. What if I say something stupid? What if they think I cracked it? What if they tell me that they can't come out for several days to repair it? All silly questions. But my mind plays what-if a little too easily. For just a few seconds, I felt overwhelmed...and then remembered the secret to every business call: be myself and don't try to be perfect, be human. Above all, treat the person on the other end as a human being who wants to help you. A friendly and collaborative tone goes a long way...

Lately we've been dealing with the word "hate" in our house. For such a sweet little girl, Katie sure does "hate" a lot of things right now. Ice cubes in her water (though she normally asks for them). A bite of dinner that is too big. A cartoon character named Franny. The noise of a toy cow when you press it. Etc. I would claim that I do not know how she learned this word, which she is now applying indiscriminately, but I do know. I know, for example, that in the past few weeks I have said rather passionately that, "I hate ants." I am sure I have used it other times before.

Like a crack in the windshield, though, this constant "hating" of life around us, however mundane, feels like it is spreading. Even though she may or may not fully know the power behind that word, the negativity of it seems to spread of its own accord. I hear the word "hate" and I find myself "hating" that very word. Can a single word wield such power as to influence the tone around us? Some say words have only the power we give them, but are some words so powerful in themselves as concepts that they defy our attempts to intellectualize them?

I think so. Despite how often I have heard in scholarship that the "swear words" really take their power from irrationally giving them power, you will never hear Bill and I swearing in our house. Yes, they are just words---intellectually we know that. But to us they are only negative and breed only the negative.

I find myself getting so grumpy when I hear Katie using "hate" several times in an hour. The crack fragments, and spreads.

It is almost an overwhelming problem, and the anxiety it has caused lately is beyond description: what if Katie continues this mindset and grows up to be an unhappy person? what if I fail in showing her the beauty in this world? what if the tendency to hate is more powerful than the tendency to love?

All silly questions. She's a toddler, learning the power of words.

Still, I am working to change her vocabulary. We actually have put "hate" on a list of words we don't want to hear, as of yesterday. I give her the correct phrase each time: "You mean that you don't prefer to sit in that chair..." or "I strongly dislike having to go inside now."

Will I be able to repair this shield? (For words are the shields we use both to define ourselves and to keep ourselves safe, are they not)? How long will it take? How do I ensure that her little mind and heart stay focused on the good and pure and true?

Do Unto Others

2010-09-18T07:12:00.000-07:00

"So in everything, do unto others as you would have them do unto you." (Matthew 7:12)

Examined through either a spiritual or a sociobiological lens (game theory and Prisoner's Dilemma), this verse is one of the oldest and most sage pieces of instruction. I would go even further to say that the "do unto others" rule is axiomatic, fundamental to the shape, order, and harmony of the Universe.

The time I spend cross stitching is a time of meditation and reflection for me. I love to work on projects that reflect my values, and I savor the physicality of using my hands to manifest those values. So a few months ago, I started looking for a "do unto others" cross stitch pattern---which is not easily found, my friends. There were a couple of candidates, though, and I finally decided a few weeks ago which one to order from a small company online.

On August 30th, I called North Carolina and spoke to a nice woman operating from her home. To make a very long and humorous story extremely short, the pattern never came...first she thought she hadn't sent it, and then she thought she did, then she thought she'd charged my card but then it turned out she didn't. And the latest installment: she had sent it but misspelled so much of my information that it came back to her. She wrote last night promising again that it is on its way but needing my card information again---I think I am going to wait until it arrives, however, and then pay by check.

There was a time when I would have: a) been much more stressed by all of this; b) been more judgmental; c) been more primed to anger at the inefficiency. For sure, I am presently baffled, and I went through a couple moments of worry about having given her my credit card information in the first place. I've also learned lessons about perhaps not using online sellers who are unaffiliated with major companies. I really do think, though, that this lady is above-board and just a little confused; I don't think she is trying to cheat me. I've certainly been wrong about people's motives MANY times in my life, often ascribing them better motives than they have turned out to have. However, I am not as capable of being cynical about humanity as maybe I sometimes should be.

Surprisingly though, I see more of a cosmic sense of humor in all of this. We have had many e-mail exchanges now, and I am able to write back to her from a really friendly place inside of myself. Here I thought that I would reflect and learn my greatest truths about "doing unto others" while I stitched my project, but it has turned out that I have been required to put the idea of "doing unto others" into practice right now. I have had to be patient and to try to stand in her shoes, and I have had to remember how I would want to be treated if I were her...each time I have sat down to write an e-mail. Funny how life works, yes?

As one of my favorite characters in literature says, " You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view--until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." When Harper Lee created Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird, she gave us all a beacon of truth.

Whether I actually receive the pattern/chart now, I have already had to do the work of realigning my heart attitude to embrace fully the idea of "doing unto others." This is probably a lesson I will need to keep learning, though. I often find myself working (and sometimes failing) to avoid gossip and the little dramas that crop up between people---or that people intentionally try to create. I wish that avoiding speaking ill of anyone came more naturally to me and that I could have good (or in some cases, neutral) and non-judgmental thoughts about everyone all the time. If we could meet all people with a heart opening to listening to them or just simply taking them as they come, the world would be a better place. That doesn't mean we have to accept all people as part of the daily fabric of our lives---because, let's face it, some people would seek to poison others out of their own unhappiness, and we have to know which relationships are healthy and which ones are not. We have to know when to make our own boundaries for those who would seek to hurt us. Yet this does not mean that we cannot have civility and compassion in our hearts for those same individuals, right? This is one of the traits in myself I work on...and continue to need to work on.

I should know the fate of my cross stitch pattern by---what do we think, Readers: Monday or Tuesday? If she sent it yesterday, then by early next week it will be here...or not. We will see. I can only laugh either way.

In the meantime, I started sorting floss for an "herbs and spices" cross stitch for the kitchen. I have yet to take my first stitch on it though. I might decide to work the "do unto others" cross stitch first.

If it comes. ;-)

Fall Lessons

2010-09-14T18:52:00.001-07:00

For the past several days, Katie has been fascinated with the plight of the trapped Chilean miners. Each morning, we search for updates in the news and she has watched the YouTube video in which they give a tour of their space. Her interest began when I was offhandedly telling her the news one morning... and now she has me much more involved in the story on a daily basis than I probably would otherwise be. We have spent part of yesterday and today role playing "trapped miners" and when asked how she would pass the time stuck in the cave, she replies, "Try to climb out. Kick the rocks."

Yesterday she used some of my cross stitch floss to make a rope ladder to climb out. After hearing my report on the doctors who will be on hand to make sure the miners' eyes aren't hurt by sunlight, she makes sure we have our sunglasses when we play.

She received a flashlight from Boppa a couple of days ago, which she loves. She is proud of her flashlight, and she uses it to play "trapped miner."

Although this role play is certainly different, it has afforded us opportunities to talk about the calendar/months, geography, problem-solving, compassion, etc.

My cousin, Jed, sent along a great activity for us:

(from: What is being provided to the trapped Chilean miners. - 22 Words)

This morning, I printed it out and cut out the circle, and we spent time figuring out what we could fit through the hole. Katie's cozy blanket? A book? The flashlight? We tried various objects through the hole. Then she saw that if we changed the shape of some items, we might be able to fit them after all. I asked if we could fit our new toilet paper roll? She at first said no, and then she examined it and on her own she exclaimed, "But we could tear off pieces!"

Because the miners work in a copper/gold mine, I think tomorrow we might collect as many pennies as we can find in the house and talk about it from that point of view...

Some pictures from yesterday:

We resurrected Katie's backyard fort and tunnels. She stood in front of the "mine" with her flashlight.

In the "mine" she tried to make a flag so "that people will know we are here."

This morning I was extremely tired (both children were awake in the middle of the night last night at different times) and looking for ways to play that would be educational and fun but mellow. After talking more about the miners, playing Follow the Leader, and feeding the children, I settled Eric for a nap and Katie and I went on a leaf hunt outside. We collected several leaves for a fall collage.

Katie holds her collage after bath time tonight. She did most of the gluing all by herself.

Katie was proud to show her collage to Daddy.

Thankfully my mom came over today mid-day and I was able to catch a bit of a nap!

Will Vs. Willingness

2010-09-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

Just now, as I sit here with two sleeping kiddos and just a bit of time on my hands before one of them wakes up for his first of many nightly feedings, I was pondering how best to spend my time. Sleep? Not yet: I will be awakened too soon for that to be a good idea at the moment. Read a magazine? I usually save those as treats for a bathtime soak. Work on my scrapbook? I started a new one for both kiddos for this school year (September to August), but I am up to date on the cover page and don't want to print out September pictures yet. Finish sorting floss for my new cross stitch? Maybe...but I could sneak that in during the day possibly. Also, I am just tired enough to make diddling with floss seem a bit like a production.

Blog? Well, I must admit, I have spent the past week contemplating giving up on my blog. I rarely seem to have the time, and lately I have been feeling like I need to redefine my blog's purpose. What is it that I really want to accomplish each time I sit down to write?

It hasn't helped that I have felt overwhelmed this past weekend. Why were women designed with only two arms? We need at least six arms and for two of those to be elastic and able to bend around corners. I usually like to be a blogger who puts optimism and joy and a can-do spirit into the blogosphere---I'd like to think the purpose of this blog is to inspire people to find whatever is best and joyful in themselves and to encourage my readers to create their own magic. Yet I am no sort of advice giver when I myself feel overwhelmed. Right?

On the other hand, I was just reading about the perils of keeping one's flaws secreted from the world. It is a form of self-sabotage, I read. I guess so. I tend to think we should not dwell on our flaws or weaknesses but to try to rise above them. As I have struggled the past few days, however, with my own perfectionism and pride, I had the thought that perhaps we are given children in order to humble us and to make us know our limitations: we simply cannot do everything, as much as we'd like to.

I have had to remember, in this time of exhaustion and bodily weariness, that I must maintain a heart full of gratitude, a mind full of perspective, and a spirit full of willingness.

Earlier today, I almost had phrased this as a "spirit full of will." I realized then that there is a difference between "will" and "willingness." The idea of "will" seems to suggest that I still believe I am in total control, whereas "willingness" seemed to me to suggest more of an open-mindedness to follow life as it comes. My very problem this weekend has been one of "will" versus "willingness." To be willing is to be open to learning and to be spontaneous with my family. To be full of will is to want to impose my order, timing, and ambition on things. When we are willing, we are willing to laugh at ourselves, to marvel, to take joy in how life unfolds before us. When we are willing, we can meet challenges with elegance and grace.

When we are full of will, however, we frustrate ourselves when life will not be controlled. We grumble at challenges. We are not open to the magic and miracle of things.

It is the story of my bread.

I baked some bread yesterday. In a rush. Half-hearted. I wanted it to work on my timing without putting the care into it. Will. I overheated the yeast, rushed the kneading process, and overcooked it because I failed to pay attention to its aroma. It was a disaster, the most disastrous bread I have baked in a long time. A brick. I wanted it to work without be willing to be present in the process, rushing everything, forcing it to fit into my day. I let it sit overnight as I pondered its fate: eat it begrudgingly, or admit to myself that I had failed and start anew?

My spirit this morning wasn't sure it was willing... And then I realized that I needed to readjust myself. It was time to remake my bread, and to do it right...in the moment, without rushing, however long it took in between feeding both children and tending to their needs. Sure enough, it took much longer than one would think, even to finish making the dough. Yet when I baked it off several hours later, the loaf was truly one of my finest: delicate, moist, delicious. I found myself willing: willing to try, willing to restart, willing to embrace the natural timing and rhythms of my life with two children.

Will versus willingness. Which one is dominant in you at this moment? Is there a difference between the two? How do we embrace willingness in order to increase our joy?

Willingness. Let it bring joy into your life.

Labor Day

2010-09-06T18:25:00.001-07:00

I am always renewed by a day with the Matics-Lambert-Horne (MLH) clan. My aunts, uncles, and cousins (cuzzies) are all truly one of the best parts of my journey through this life. At every age, I have been thankful for this gift of my extended family...yet as I age, I come to them with more and more gratitude and nuanced understanding about that gift. I realize now that we are as bonded as we are because of the good choices my aunts and uncles and parents made years ago, because of the priorities they set. I realize now how these priorities took courage and belief in something greater than themselves as individuals. My aunts and uncles and parents stayed married to their spouses, they placed family above the obligations (ultimately) of work and material conquest, and they made sure all eight of us cousins had the time and space to be together often and to grow together. My dad and his siblings made a choice to IMPROVE upon the definition of family that they knew. That takes courage and foresight.

Now that I am thirty years old and have two children, the gift of this legacy is even more pronounced and poignant. To have a loving blanket of extended family to wrap around my children is a gift beyond compare.

I am thankful.

Meeting Uncle George
Cousin Meredith
Cousin Johanna
With Daddy
Cousin Brandon
With Aunt Donna
Festivities
With Aunt Diane
With Aunt Cheryl

This Week in Pictures

2010-09-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

A beautiful and busy week for us! (Pictures may be out of order, oh well).

Katie had her first day of ballet class on Wednesday. We moved to the next level of class, where mommies sit on the side and the girls attempt to follow instructions without intervention. Katie did well with this new structure, though she ran over a couple of times for a hug and to make sure I was still there. She is such a sweetie pie...

Proud to be wearing her ballet shoes...

On tip toes...
We also went to the Harveston duck park this week. The weather was perfect, and we fed the ducks and had a picnic lunch as the breeze blew over the blue and golden water. The day felt almost like fall... This was Eric's first official visit to the duck park.

Brother and sister, together for always. I love this picture, which is now framed in our home. Katie is the kind of big sister I hoped she would be: protective, loving, tender. Eric is a lucky little brother...

Joy with Amie and her grandchildren.

Um, more ballet class pics... Katie is ready to sashay across the floor...

Sitting with the other girls, stretching...

Oh, we also went to the library this week. I have such fun there with my kiddos.

Playing early in the morning---cock-a-doodly-doo!

Enjoying the first pumpkin scone and (for me) pumpkin spice latte of the season. This was shortly before we played the "I love you more" game...so sweet.

Eric worked on his tummy time this week...and moved his head from one side to the other!

My best friend Rosa came to see us yesterday and to meet Eric for the first time.

There are so many more pictures....but this will have to suffice for now!

Eric William, 3 Weeks Old

2010-08-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

Eric turned three weeks old yesterday!

Mr. Serious regards the camera after his bath.

He is still sleeping quite a bit, with more and more wakeful periods in the morning and late afternoon. He loves, loves, loves to be held...but not just held: he loves to be upright as much as possible, and I often see him working on controlling his neck.

He is such a mellow baby and rarely cries. I usually hear him starting to wake up at night and am generally able to meet his needs before he starts crying. Every once in awhile, he exercises his lungs, but even so I find his cries to be pretty mild. Katie is capable of making much more of a racket. :-)

Eric sleeps well in his bassinette, but he does wake up if he gets cold or if he makes a diaper. Katie never really cared about her mussed diapers and wouldn't fuss over it and/or could sleep through it---but Eric really does seem to care. He prefers to be clean and dry. He also sleeps better, it seems, when he has on socks or feetie pajamas--I think his feet get cold otherwise.

When we eat at night, I love his little eyes peeping up at me when I take him out of his bassinette and change him. He seems to like to find my face, and he loves to nestle with me. He is my Little Buddy.

He shows some signs of tracking, but not too much yet. I have a music box that is a glass ball filled with glittery "snow" and which plays "Music of the Night." Yesterday I was showing it to him and his eyes were totally transfixed on it. I wound it several times, and he appeared to be studying it intently. He probably found the tune familiar, as I regularly sing songs from "Phantom of the Opera."

Because he loves to be upright to see the world, he enjoys hanging out in my Baby Bjorn carrier. I wear him on my front, and I am not sure what I would do without it. He likes to be in it when I am cooking with Katie.

I love my family so, so much. I don't think it gets any happier than having my husband and two children with me everyday. I feel pretty lucky, actually.

McGaugh Family Movie Night #2

2010-08-30T17:54:00.000-07:00

This week our McGaugh Family Movie Night fell on Saturday---which I declared a "total fun day" with no real chores (other than picking up toys and doing dishes) or worries. Every once in awhile, I believe, we need to treat ordinary days as if they are actually holidays.

We stayed in our jammies for a long time, made Katie's favorite breakfast (orange rolls, eggs, and bacon), read books, played with water and kitchen implements outside, and rested. Bill watched the kiddos while I took a nap---my first nap since Eric's birth. That was a wonderful treat. After my nap, I took a late walk with Katie and Eric to a nearby park. Katie and I climbed all over the play structure, looked for intriguing items in the grass, and held footraces. Eric snoozed. Katie loved our park time and got some great exercise.

Home again, we made our angel food cake for our movie dessert and cooked our pizzas. For MFMN #2 we chose E.T.: the Extra-Terrestrial. Classic. Katie really enjoyed it, and she found parts of the film extremely emotional. Spielberg's heart-wrenching moments resonated with her. She did not want E.T. to return to his planet. For the past two days, she has been pretending to be E.T.

Up next for MFMN #3: The Princess Bride. Also a classic...and one of my favorites. We seem to be in the 1980s family movie genre... The challenge is definitely to find something all of us can enjoy together. I have several films on my Netflix queue, including Rosa's suggestion of The Neverending Story. Part of the fun for Katie and for me is planning all week for our movie night. We plan the movie and we plan the dinner. It's a special time when we look forward to all four of us cuddling next to one another on the couch. I think it is important, as we establish new patterns as a family of four, that many of those new patterns are something Katie looks forward to experiencing. She has had to give up (or learn to postpone or shift the time of) some of the routines that she and I had together for so long, so I want to show her how new traditions with all four of us are even more special. As I was telling her on Saturday, our "total fun day": anyone can make any day magic or full of fun at any time. We have to create our own exciting moments, our own wonder. We can choose by our own mindset and actions to make any day feel special or extraordinary, or as magical as a holiday.

I am already excited for next weekend!

Eric Meets Uncle David and Aunt Ashley

2010-08-30T17:49:00.001-07:00

On Friday, Eric met his Uncle David and Aunt Ashley:

I remember so clearly the first time Uncle David met Katie. He was on Thanksgiving Break during his last year at Berkeley. How fast time goes...

Eric Meets Nana

2010-08-26T16:42:00.000-07:00

Eric shared time with Nana Mitchell this morning!

I am fortunate beyond measure that two of my grandparents are still living and that I am able to experience this phase of my life with them. I miss terribly the people in my family we have lost who will never know either of my children, especially Uncle Eric and Grandpa Mitchell. Perhaps the most bittersweet loss is Grandpa Don, only in that his death in May 2008 marked a divide between my two children: with Katie he shared a small part of life, but with Eric he will not. The fact that he is gone is made new again when I realize how old my daughter is---and how she met him when she was hardly more than Eric's age.

We are thankful, though, for the time we have remaining with those we love so much:

Nana holds Eric, one of her two great-grandsons.

Great-grandchildren---a special moment.

It is all part of building a family history, and a sense of family loyalty and love. I wish we could have these times forever...

We have had a great week in other respects, as well. One of my girlfriends organized a pool day at her house on Tuesday, and the kiddos and I had a very peaceful and relaxing afternoon with her as well as a handful of other mommies and children. Eric snoozed on a shaded couch most of the time, and so I was able to play with Katie---we practiced some swimming and jumping and it was a beautiful thing just to hold her and play in the water as we had been doing so often right before Eric's birth. When Eric had wakeful moments, I held him by the water's edge while Katie played on a large shallow step. It all worked out really well, and we had a perfect time. I was grateful that my friend planned this for all of us!

Other than that, we've been adjusting to new routines and I am keeping my perspective regarding this transitory time of little sleep. Last night was rough...but I remember that everything has a season, and that I need to savor every second of Eric's infancy. I know from experience now that in just a few months I will look back on these nights with longing. I remember so many cozy nights with Katie in the months after she was first born: we nursed on the couch by our Christmas tree. I'll never forget those moments with her. In fact, the night before taking the tree down after Christmas, I stood near it with her and looked with intent and told myself, "Remember this sight. Remember this. Remember what it feels like to hold her in this magic glow." And I do... So each night now I am attempting to "look with intent" at: Venus outside Eric's window, at his little eyes peering up at me in the darkened room, at the moonlight around us in the playroom, at everything. It is not ever easy to be sleepless...but I know what two gifts I have been given, and sleep will come one day.

As far as negotiating other parts of life, I am beginning to get a handle on what baby gear we need and when. Eric seems to love his Bjorn baby carrier (he loves to be upright), and that works well for my mobility around Katie's gymnastics class. I tried a sling with Katie, but long before they were recalled, I had immense trepidation about putting her in there: she always seemed to be in danger of suffocating. I only used the sling twice for that reason. We are able to leave Eric in his car seat carrier for the market.... and we used the double stroller yesterday at the mall. Each destination is different right now. Aspects of transporting two children are easier than I thought they would be...but sometimes getting them both in the car along with myself is the biggest challenge right now. It takes a couple of hours to be ready for the day, with breakfast too...and some days I forget to eat. I am actually fitting back into at least one pair of non-maternity jeans, so being busy has its advantages!

Being a mommy to two children under three is definitely an adventure, but one that is gift... I am grateful everyday.

Ballet Shoes, Bath, and Gnocchi

2010-08-23T18:00:00.001-07:00

It has been a beautiful day, albeit one on little sleep! We have had much to celebrate.

Katie and I rolled gnocchi for dinner and made some more pesto from the basil in our garden.

Katie is using the gnocchi roller for the first time.

We also made a meatloaf for Daddy's dinner.

Also, Eric had his first "big boy" submersion bath tonight, as his umbilical cord is now all the way off and his belly button is healed. I can't believe we are already past the wash cloth bath phase---Eric's infancy is going WAY too quickly.

Post-bath, wrapped in his hooded towel.

Scrubbing Eric's back.

Eric enjoys his bath!

Also: Katie picked out her first pair of ballet shoes at the dance store this morning, as she has a ballet class starting next week. When we got home, she spent several hours dancing around the house in them. Her excitement was so sweet.

This has to be a shorter post, because our meatloaf is almost done! Goodnight everyone!

Lovelies

2010-08-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

Some lovelies this week:

* Katie June in front of our garden:

We have tomatoes growing and the corn is getting tall!

* Outdoor time:

Here, Katie was singing songs from The Sound of Music.

* McGaugh Family Movie Night---we are starting a new tradition on certain Fridays with our kiddos. Our first movie night, held last night, included vanilla pudding, grilled cheese sandwiches, and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. All four of us cuddle together and talk about what we are watching. I need more movie recs---something we all can enjoy. Please leave a comment if you have ideas...

* A visit from a friend on Thursday (and she brought a yummy dinner)!

* Eric's second check-up: he has gained a pound and an 1.75 inches! All of his lab work came back great and he is thriving.

* Taking Eric to meet Great-Grandpa Yoder:

We are so lucky that two of Eric's great-grandparents are still with us and able to share time with us. We were also going to visit Nana this week, but she has a cold. Nana is our priority next week, and after that, I need to take Eric to touch the Valley Center land (the land of his other great-grandpa) before it is sold. I am glad it is still under our ownership at a time when both of my children can touch it and be part of it. My focus is on giving Eric a sense of his history, and to document it, even though right now he is hardly aware of it. Connecting a child to his larger family is essential, I think. Bill has also been working on a family history project...and spent most of his summer on it. We want to give our children context and family.

* Reading, dancing, and singing with the kiddos

* The Byrds' Turn, Turn, Turn: I learned that was one of Uncle Eric's favorite songs, too. It turns out that would have been a good first song for our Eric as well. I think I will just play it often for both children, since it captures my philosophy fairly well. There is a time for everything, and we must recognize that balance.

* Scrapbooking

* Family breakfast: waffles today!

* Games with Katie: Hi-Ho-Cherry-Oh, Candy Land, and Chutes and Ladders. During a family game of Chutes and Ladders with all four of us, Eric managed to win when he was barely a week old---not too bad!

* Nighttime cuddles with Little Buddy and also with my Pumpkin

* These are good times, even when I am tired... Our children are gifts.

Love, Told Through Pictures

2010-08-16T18:56:00.000-07:00

This has been a beautiful week with my two children and beloved husband. Bill is back at work, but having two comes a little more naturally to me now that I have had one. Eric is sleeping well so far and though we are all making adjustments in routine, I am finding the transition to be going quite well. My greatest challenge is balancing time between both children---I think I could do better, but so far so good.

Eric had his first well-baby check-up last week and will have another this week.

Katie is a perfect big sister: she helps me with everything (giving baths, grabbing blankies, talking with Eric, holding Eric). Their bond will be forever, and I am so glad the two of them have each other. When time takes Bill and I away from this earth, I want to think of them together...having a sibling means that you will never really be lonely, at least that is how I always have felt. I can already see Eric responding to Katie's voice. I know they will love each other so much.

So, here are some pictures from the last week. They are not in order, but with two children and just a bit of free time to spare this evening, I cannot be too picky. :-)

Our life:

Eric William McGaugh, one week old on August 15, 2010

Very much in love with him....

Katie helps to feed Eric. What a great Big Sis! (As a sidenote, I love how strong yet gentle Bill's fingers are in this picture. He epitomizes what I hope Eric becomes as a man: resolute yet also tender).

What do we do when both kiddos wake up super early (like before Daddy leaves for work)? We read all snuggly in bed and then have a dance party to Cat Steven's "Teaser and the Firecat" album.

Early last week, we went for our first walk in the double stroller.

Eric is all bundled up and ready to leave from the hospital. He is using the same blanket that I used to take Katie home. I will always keep that blanket in my hope chest, a treasured item.

I love my Eric.

Meeting Daddy.

Meeting Katie.

Cuddling and reading to my two children.

Catching some sun and doing some art.

Nurse Katie performs an examination. Oh, the privilege and fun of being the older one!

Our hands.

Dappled with sun and ready for sleep.

I am savoring every second. It all goes much too fast.

Thank you to all of our visitors this past week! You have made life delightful, and you have made Eric feel welcome to our family.

Happy Birthday, Eric William!

2010-08-12T06:32:00.000-07:00

Our son Eric arrived on Sunday, August 8, 2010 at 6:36 AM. Weighing 7 pounds and 9 ounces, he was 18.25 inches long.

He is absolutely a delight, a beloved new member of our family. I am overcome with how much love I feel for both him and his sister. The universe is a wellspring filled with infinite love, and I feel as though having children---and particularly now having two---has show me just how vast that love really is. I thought it would hardly be possible to love any child as much as I love Katie, and to know now that I can and do and that love really is infinite...well, it is humbling.

Although as late as Saturday evening Katie was saying that we would glue Eric to the ceiling when he arrived, by Sunday afternoon when she met him, Katie transformed into the best big sister I've ever seen. She immediately kissed him and wanted to hold him and said, "I love you Eric." She shares her favorite stuffed animals with him, sings to him, helps to pick out his outfits, tells me when he seems hungry, offers her favorite "cozy" blanket...She is amazing. He really responds to her voice, too. His eyes often lock onto the direction her voice comes from...and he also loves loves loves music of any kind, his eyes widening in response.

He is such a mellow baby and we are really nursing well together. Nights have been spotted with patchy sleep...but I know how fast this time goes and am just working through it, trying to savor even the bleary-eyed moments. I can now say that having two children under three-years-old is much more challenging than anyone predicts---but on the other hand, I am already so invested in my "mommy" role that certain aspects of the transition are coming naturally. I really miss being able to give all my cuddles to Katie, yet at the same time, I yearn to hold her brother... Trying to coordinate feeding them and getting dressed and nursing is a challenge of epic proportions, but I know we'll work out a routine. It took us two hours to get dressed and downstairs yesterday, so I am up early today to get started on it!

My water broke with Eric at 1:15 on Sunday morning. I was so glad my water broke again, because it was a definite sign. I woke up Bill and we got dressed and I wrote Katie a note while waiting for my parents. Boppa spent the night here with Katie, and Amie headed over to the hospital, Rancho Springs, with us.

By 2:45 I was undergoing assessment while Bill activated my pre-registration. Sometime near 3:15 AM I was taken to the delivery room. I labored for about an hour with moderate to strong contractions. At 4:00 I was checked and was at 3 CM dilation. Then I was told that I would be checked a 5 AM and given pitocin to speed labor up if I wasn't making progress. My contractions intensified, and I KNOW for a fact that my cervix was opening. However, it seems the standard procedure now at Rancho Springs is to administer pitocin...and wait for the mother to ask for an epidural. Unlike my delivery with Katie, I got the distinct impression from my nurse that she did not think I could actually labor without drugs---especially on pitocin, which intensifies and speeds up labor by making the contractions stronger and more frequent. It seems, upon further investigation, that pitocin and epidurals are the norm there. My aunt was saying some nurses never even see non-drug labors anymore. I also expressed a desire to get up and walk, and was told that I could not and that it was about the worst thing I could do now that my water had broken. This did anger me, because I know from extensive reading that bed-labor is the hardest to accomplish. No other animal that I know of labors on her back... I was not really thrilled with my nurse. This was a shame, since I had a GREAT experience at Rancho delivering Katie three years ago and loved my nurses. There was another nurse, Jackie, who appeared to start my IV and who reappeared later, and she quickly became my favorite...for reasons I will soon discuss.

So at 5 AM I was checked again and told I had not progressed after some readjustment of my contraction monitors. There was no way I was still officially at 3 CM. I could feel what was happening to my cervix and have been in tune with my body the entire pregnancy. However, my nurse used that as justification to start the pitocin.

My contractions had already been fairly intense, and with the pitocin, I experienced new levels of intensity. I thought I had experienced the depth of pain with Katie's labor, but it turns out, there are new depths. I felt solid at my core, and I knew I would never waver with my promise to myself, my child, and my husband to never have drugs, knowing it was not in their best interest. My core was solid, and so I felt strong. I kept reminding myself I was designed for labor. I was dissatisfied with how weary my mind felt, though. It was only my heart that kept me going through this labor...my mind was struggling to manage the pain. Every gate I had worked for months to build, every step of my pain management plan, seemed to be bypassed. Especially on the pitocin, my labor was going SO FAST that my mind was struggling to keep up and could not ever complete its meditations. My mom and Bill helped me to keep focused as best they could.

Essentially, from 5AM to 6AM I labored from 3 (well, I think more like 4) CM to 10CM. Going 7CM in an hour was sheer craziness. My contractions never really subsided. The tightening never released but would only peak. There was no resting in between. I can say with certainty that only my core values and belief systems kept me sustained at this point. Painkillers were not an option. I realized at that moment that mothers can endure anything to keep our children safe. We could take a bullet for our children, we could walk through fire, anything...

Then I got the feeling to push. How rapidly this came was a surprise even to me. With Katie I labored for awhile before feeling that need, and with Eric it came within an hour. I told the nurse I felt the pushing need. She said I could not push and needed to wait for the doctor to arrive. Excuse me? You bring me from 3-4 CM to pushing and then tell me to wait?? I told her again that I needed to push, and she told me to "calm down." I will never forget that... I had not been screaming or dramatic at all during the whole labor, just moaning and turning inward to my core. And now I was just stating a fact...and I know nurses are capable of delivery. My aunt in Vista delivers all the time. It occured to me then that it is probably unusual for OB nurses to see what the real need to push looks and feels like. Bill was reading that something like 75% or some number like that of women are on epidurals when the time comes to push and another 14% are on other drugs. With an epidural, you cannot feel the pushing instinct and the nurses have to count you in... You can be told to wait because there is no feeling. Without medication, the urge to push is as fundamental and primal as breathing. There is no real waiting---not without lots of pain. She told me that if I pushed "too soon" I could make my cervix puffy. Extrapolating I thought that, if this was true, it might block Eric and make it harder for him...that was the only reason I did not push. I had to hold off on pushing for about 15 minutes. The good nurse (the one I liked) came in at that point, sat down with me, and breathed with me. She was very calming...

Eventually Dr. Elfelt arrived, and at the site of his shoes coming through the door I announced that I was going to push now. Period. The nurse I didn't like so well told me to wait until he had his gloves on...right...but Dr. Elfelt said I should push now when I felt like it. Within three contractions, Eric was out! Pushing felt so so so so good.

He arrived beautifully. Even though there were aspects of the morning that I would change, I tried to focus on what he and I were feeling together---and that was beautiful. I could feel him kicking and moving still all the way down the birth canal, and that is our sacred bond regardless of how he was delivered or how I did not click with my main nurse. I was ultimately able to deliver him while feeling every sensation, and that is what I wanted. And I know he arrived in this world totally alert and ready to learn how beautiful life really is.

So many times with his pregnancy I have fantasized about a home birth. I did not elect for one because of my experience with Katie and being glad that she had access to the care she needed immediately when she was early. This time, Eric was fine and I was the one who needed the further care. I was bleeding too much---I learned yesterday from my mom what was going on (I had not really paid attention to that part of the afterbirth). I had to have a shot in my leg of an anti-hermorraging medicine and they continued to run the pitocin for a couple of hours so my blood vessel would close. I knew that I was bleeding more heavily in post-partum later that day than I did with Katie, but I did not know the full story... I will spare some of the details. I am just thankful I was in the hospital for myself this time, even though Eric was fine. There are advantages to hospital care, and ones in which I believe strongly. I just wish we could as a culture cycle back around to natural births being more common and accommodated. I think a woman should have whatever kind of delivery she wants to have, especially one that will help her have the child with the least stress as possible, because stress itself can harm the baby. For many, that includes drugs and epidurals and I support a woman's right to choose those methods if it will help her to have her baby. But for us in the minority, I also want to be supported by the medical community. I know my aunt's hospital does not use pitocin on natural patients and she even walks them around for hours if they request.

Anyway, I focus on the glorious aspects of Eric's birth. Our bonding that day was immense and powerful. We spent the rest of our time in the hospital singing, nursing, talking, cuddling. He was never out of my sight or Bill's sight. Twice Bill followed him for footprints and a blood test. We are not having Eric circumsized for many reasons, and the hospital I was at no longer does them anyway. So we spent our time in pure bliss and had several visitors who made our day delightful. I really really loved my post-partum nurses, especially my day shift nurse. She was excellent. All the post-partum nurses were. I was extremely pleased with my post-partum care and I remembered again why I wish sometimes that I had become a nurse (the two careers I was attracted to in college were teaching and nursing, and I thought perhaps my science background was too lacking).

We were discharged on Monday, and it felt so good to come home and start getting back to our routines. I will have to write another blog later about what we've been up to! Most of my pics, also, will appear on Facebook at some point. We have so many cute hospital pics of Katie and Eric meeting...

But, it is time to get dressed. The kids have a busy day: Katie has gymnastics and Eric has his first well-baby appointment at the pediatrician!

A General Update, or "Transformations"

2010-08-04T18:56:00.001-07:00

It would, perhaps, be easy to feel a little draggy this week---it has been highly busy and my body has been expending its energy adjusting to phases of pregnancy that I never experienced with Katie due to her early arrival.

Yet I have been reminded many times this week in direct and indirect ways that so much of our attitude and disposition is what we make it. On Saturday at the Toastmasters Learning Institute (our officer's training), I had the privilege of hearing speaker Sheryl Roush whose optimism and energy immediately captivated me and made me a fan. She is a nationally ranked speaker and entreprenuer who focuses on the idea of cultivating one's "Sparkle-Tude." I have thought countless times since Saturday of my attitude and how to keep it sparkling and full of luster. While many a cynic would undoubtedly find some of the Sparkle-Tude philosophy cloying, I go all in for things like that. Why not choose to frame events and one's life in the most positive way?

Additionally, on Tuesday I then heard an entirely different kind of speech by our very own Toast of the Valley's Bob Freel, a DTM (Distinguished Toastmaster) who is highly decorated from his work in speech competitions. I usually enjoy Bob speaking on any topic---he's that kind of speaker---but on Tuesday for our Open House he delivered one of the most memorable speeches I think I will ever hear. He spoke of his time in Vietnam, of being the only survivor in a group of men...actually, I will stop there, for his story is really just for him to tell. I could not do it justice. Suffice it to say, I really understood for the first time in my whole life what our government has asked its young men to bear---for the rest of their lives. I guess being in my third decade now, I understand how young the early 20s really are. I used to hate it when people would say that, but 18-22 year old men are still the young sons of mothers everywhere. Bob was braver than I have ever been asked to be, not just at one pivotal moment as a soldier, but in carrying a burden his whole life so the rest of us don't have to. His speech took me to a place of real understanding, and I cried nearly the whole time he was presenting. His speech also put into perspective my everyday trials and my joys, too. There is absolutely no excuse for me ever to focus on petty things, the minor bumps in my life---not after hearing Bob's speech. On the other hand, he sacrificed so that I would have the freedom to focus on both the petty and the pretty---and I guess that is part of what made me cry also. His message is not one I will soon forget.

Too, I have been moved by how beautiful these summer days are and how life constantly flows in a balance. Do we not have the power to transform irritations into something joyous? Can we not choose to find the good in every situation?

With that theme in mind, here are some transformations I have endeavored to enact this week:

1) A virus on my computer which rendered it unusable for about a day TRANSFORMS into a loving husband who spent hours fixing it and actually making it run faster when all was said and done. (Also, I had access to my iPod Touch---otherwise, this transformation might have been difficult to make).

2) Soreness and sluggishness from the last couple of weeks of pregnancy TRANSFORMS into appreciation for Eric's life and for the fact that he continues to grow in these crucial last weeks, finishing the development of his brain and lungs and immunity. The universe will decide when he is to arrive, not me---so who am I to complain? I try to keep it all in perspective. I actually am hoping and asking him to stay in there as long as he needs to or can, no matter how my body feels. I know each day he gets stronger---so what's a little pelvic pain? Any moments of discomfort we bear as pregnant mothers is short-lived, and it is our duty to bear it. We were made to bear it, just as---I believe---we were made to bear labor. Besides, I happen to know that the discomfort I feel in these last weeks is nothing---nothing---compared to natural labor. My body is training itself for that moment: it is part of the design of women and the plan by which we are the life-bearers. I must look on every soreness as part of that design and part of the journey that will help me to deliver Eric physically and mentally in the way I delivered my Katie. Each twinge of my body reinforces the strong mental attitude I know I need in order to birth him without drugs...so therefore I can only be thankful for all that I am feeling now. It is nature's way of training me.

3) Waking up at 4:00 AM daily TRANSFORMS into reading and falling back to sleep cuddling my sweet little Katie June. It also tranforms into cause for deep and peaceful afternoon naps.

4) Cleaning the master bathroom TRANSFORMS into meditation and peacefulness and productivity. But it sure is hard to bend over at this stage of pregnancy. It is quite difficult to get up and down with any kind of celerity, more than I ever imagined.

5) Finding some black widow spiders in our backyard TRANSFORMS into an opportunity to teach Katie about basic safety (and neurotoxins---yay!)

6) Eating the much-anticipated and delicious eggplant parmesan I made but then having heartburn all night long TRANSFORMS into a need to consume ice cream the next to neutralize the acids with the milk base. Am I right, ladies? ;-)

And so on.

Other good things:

1) Bill came with Katie and me to Katie's gymnastics last week. She loved it and afterwards we all went out to breakfast at Penfold's.

2) Foot rubs

3) Swimming with my girl

4) Being all packed for the hospital with a list written out of last minute items

5) Overall, I am thankful for my health and feeling great and that I have been able to live as passionately as I want to so far along into pregnancy. I have been energetic for Katie most of the time. Even though I wrestled with extreme guilt today at needing to slow down and sit down, I know that I have tried my best for 9 months to be the mommy she deserves. We decorated her outdoor fort today, replenished the bird feeders, played imagination play, read books---and most of this I could do while sitting. I felt bad when she asks me to climb in the upper part of her fort and I decline---it is just that I know it isn't too safe and getting down would be a chore. I hope she can continue to be patient with me...

6) A successful Toastmasters Open House yesterday! I am going to miss my companions while I am away...

Anyway, here is a picture of Eric and me at 37 weeks, taken earlier last week. He is a big little guy. The OB was estimating him at between 7.5 and 8 pounds last weeks. Whew! See what I mean about nature needing to train me to birth him? Katie was only 6 lbs 12 oz. My small pumpkin.

Pamir Kabob House

2010-07-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

A friend and former student of mine, Erin, has been recommending Pamir Kabob House to several of us for a couple of years. Once their customer and now a summertime employee of Pamir Kabob House while she finishes her nursing degree, Erin is passionate about good food and knows of what she speaks. She is an amazing baker and chef in her own right, gracing our house with strawberry blueberry jam and fresh bread. All of us who have been lucky enough to eat Erin's food know that she has a discerning palate and appreciates clean and yummy flavors while keeping an eye on presentation and aesthetic.

She was absolutely correct about Pamir Kabob House: it is now my new favorite restaurant in Temecula, Calfornia.

My bestie Rosa came through town today on her way to visit her sister. Rosa is getting to be well-known in the blogosphere as The Catty Critic, the consummate foodie who writes eloquently about her dining experiences and also practices her own recipes on her meat-and-potatoes-loving hubby. Just last night she enjoyed a much-sought-after reservation at one of Chef Ludo Lefebvre's LudoBites. When she had me nearly salivating at her descriptions of his food as we talked at my house, we decided we'd better head to lunch.

I knew Rosa would be the perfect companion to take to Pamir Kabob House. She is a fearless diner with wide experience and an open palate. Sharing a new cuisine with an adventuresome eater is one of life's delights.

She will no doubt write up a much more comprehensive review of our meal, and it was a new experience for me to dine with someone who takes beautiful pictures of our food as it arrives (I've dined with Rosa many times before, but not since she got her new camera---she got some amazing photos today). I really had to restrain myself from digging in, for one thing. We are of the same temperament when it comes to sharing: order a vast selection and taste as much of the menu as possible by sharing all the dishes. This way, we get to know the restaurant quickly.

We began with the appetizer sample platter. It came with sambosa (fried pastry stuffed with ground beef, coriander, and potatoes with yogurt and cilantro sauce), bulaunee (a turnover stuffed with leeks and potatoes), borta (like a baba ganoush---blended eggplant), hummos (hummus), mantu (steamed pasta shells filled with ground beef and topped with peas and yogurt), Nan (an Afghan bread).

A real test of any restaurant for me is how my daughter Katie reacts. This was her first experience with Afghan cuisine, as well, but knowing how she loves strong flavors, I thought she would enjoy it. And she really did. She loved the hummos of course and the nan, and she also devoured her portion of bulaunee. The mantu was to her particular liking as well, and she had some bites of sambosa. Only the borta did she leave relatively untouched.

Then we moved on to a cold cherry blossom tea. Erin recommended this specifically, and now I am craving more. The dominant flavor was cardamom, which I love, so this was definitely a treat. Katie had a few sips of this as well.

For our entrees we ordered: apricot chalow with lamb, served with a sweet and sour basmati rice and a combination platter of beef and chicken tandoori kabobs.

All of the meat was fall-apart tender. I have never been the biggest fan of lamb---until today. My whole relationship to lamb changed forever the moment I put that delicate apricot infused morsel in my mouth. In fact, the apricot chalow with lamb might be one of my new favorite dishes EVER. Katie---who adores meat, our little carnivore---absolutely ravished her chicken and beef pieces and also tried lamb for the first time and liked it. The consistency of the meat was so tender that I had no reservations about giving it to my toddler. Delicious.

Dessert. We had to. We ordered Afghan baghlawa (very similar to baklava---a pastry filled with crushed nuts, primarily pistachios, spices, and honey) and also the ferni (pudding topped with pistachios and spiced generously with cardamom). Rosa seemed to prefer the pudding, and I loved the baghlawa. Katie also tried both, but was feeling too full to eat much. She indicated a stronger liking for the baghlawa, as well.

Our meal was highly satisfactory, and the service was excellent. The owner came to speak with us several times, and our server was attentive and generous with water. They seemed to have a good lunch crowd, and yet we were able to walk right in.

I am absolutely plotting my next return!

Pamir Kabob House
951-296-9100
www.pamirkabobhouse.com
41257 Margarita Road, Suite B101
Temecula, CA 92591

They are right next to Macaroni Grill.

Projects

2010-07-25T19:18:00.001-07:00

This has been a weekend of nesting and putting together some last sewing projects before Eric arrives. I know that I am in the phase of pregnancy---especially for me---during which he could come at any time.

With that in mind, I finished a couple of sewing projects this weekend for the kiddos.

Katie really has wanted a red ballet skirt. Since I had experience with sewing the first one (and with more difficult material), her new red tulle skirt went together in no time. It only took about 2.5 hours from start to finish---with lots of attending to Katie in between. Once I cut the fabric, the hardest part was keeping the tulle from catching on itself while pinning it into the skirt shape. Once I had it pinned, the skirt practically sewed itself. I handstitched the little sparkly rosettes on while we finished the latter part of The Princess and the Frog (which Katie really loves right now).

Looking at her new ballet skirt.

Doing one of her stretches.

Excited and getting ready for one of her jumps.

Arms out wide

As pleased as I was with the skirt, however, I was disappointed in my attempt at a new Boppy cover for Eric. A Boppy is a special nursing pillow, and I wanted Eric to have some covers of his own. With only a ballet skirt (I made this before sewing Katie's red skirt today) and a quilt to my name as a seamstress, I think I got a little ahead of myself on this project. I somehow fancied that I could make a Boppy pattern of my own and simply sew it...wrong. I took one of my existing covers and traced it on newspaper to make a pattern, amply enlarging it---or so I thought. And let me not even get into the sordid details of trying to account for, and sew around, the many curves of this pillow.

Looking at the picture below, you will see that by some miracle, the cover actually fits the Boppy and even manages to close; however, upon closer inspection you will see how ill-fitting the "fit" really is. Also, let's just come out with it: I took a picture of its more photogenic side, I admit it. I won't belabor the horrifying details, but some of the seams (especially on the back) look as though an 8-year-old tried to do a home ec project and got turned loose with some fabric and a machine and some scissors. Not my best work and it wouldn't make the criteria to give a duplicate as a gift, but good enough for those 1 AM feedings, perhaps...

The Boppy cover.

So with those projects completed, I will now return my machine to my upstairs sewing table (it has been on our kitchen table in the nook) where it will await the next phase of life in which I feel wakeful enough to dally with patterns and projects. I want to make Katie a dress this fall, but that might need to wait until Eric sleeps more.

The summer of sewing has come to a pause, and now I will turn my attention toward slower days with Katie and making sure everything is truly ready for Eric's arrival.

Almost Time to Meet Eric

2010-07-23T18:03:00.000-07:00

If Eric follows his big sister's timing, then he will be born fairly soon---possibly within the first few days of August. I am all a-flutter and hubbubbing about in anticipation of this and with the nesting instinct. People say that women's nesting tendencies seem to increase right before labor, but I've been in a nesting mood for about a month...so who knows? I don't think I have had that final burst of energy yet. With Katie, though I didn't know it at the time, that energy was poured into writing 40 recommendation letters for my seniors, into fashioning my Halloween costume, and into playing Guitar Hero for several hours. Ha...if only some of that had been poured into packing for the hospital, cleaning, and feathering my actual nest. I have learned the second time around. ;-)

Still, I knew when Katie dropped before Dr. Elfelt told me she had, and I don't think Eric has dropped even though he is head down and oriented. I knew right at the miraculous moment when he implanted originally and felt him start life, so I think I will/should know when he actually engages. Katie dropped, and then she was born a week later. I really am excited to meet Eric and another few weeks seems so long to wait; on the other hand, I very much want him to stay in my womb longer than Katie did and really finish all the growing he is meant to do.

Even so, this weekend's tasks are to clean and straighten the house, to pack my bag, and to speak with Katie more about our specific plans for her care during my stay with Eric. On Monday I am going on one last Babies R Us foray to pick up some last items: Dreft, a double stroller, pacifiers, Lansinoh, etc. I want to finish the intense nesting at the start of this week.

I am also relieved that I have finally, finally settled upon the first song that I will sing to him once he is born. Serendipity was on my side when I first received Katie back from the nursery that first night, and my heart inuitively landed upon "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music. I have always been so thankful that that was our first special song together. It became the theme for her first birthday party, and it so much encapsulates my philosophy about life: looking for goodness even when life seems darker.

The question with Eric, of course, became: Do I use the same first song, or do I have a unique special song with each child? Fairly early on I decided to give them different songs (though I have questioned that a couple of times since) so that I have something uniquely special with each of them. Yet I also wanted the songs to connect in some way, whether thematically, via genre, or by virtue of being from the same score. I have been thinking about it for months and have entertained all kinds of ideas, from old standard lullabies, to The Beatles, to songs from other musicals, etc .

A few days ago, however, my heart just finally knew. His song is going to be "Sound of Music" from The Sound of Music:

The hills are alive with the sound of music
With songs they have sung for a thousand years
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music
My heart wants to sing every song it hears

My heart wants to beat like the wings of a bird
That rise from the lake to the trees
My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies
From a church on a breeze
To laugh like a brook when it trips and falls
Over stones on its way
To sing through the night
Like a lark who is learning to pray

I go to the hills when my heart is lonely
I know I will hear what I've heard before
My heart will be blessed
With the sound of music
And I'll sing once more

There are many reasons why this is the right song for my son Eric and me to share. It is inherently connected to Katie's song, for starters; its themes are a part of who I am as his mother and are the same themes I hope to surround him with during his life; and his namesake loved The Sound of Music and shared time in Austria with my mom and extended family. I know it is the one that is meant to be...

In all other respects, I am feeling really good. Since women are designed to be pregnant, we are capable of handling it well---and I am thankful that my side effects have been transitory for the most part and not something on which to dwell. I am so grateful that the rather incessant pelvic pressure that was a factor in my life for a couple of months has now subsided. I tried not to mention it much to Bill or to my mom (primarily because I don't believe in making any aspect of pregnancy negative), but toward the last couple of weeks of it I actually had had enough of it and let a few comments slip out about it. Right at the moment when I was really, really hoping to feel alleviation from that constant achiness, the pressure was lifted. We are not given more than we can bear. My feet are tender at times, mainly because I have a real personality issue (affectionately called in our family "The Matics Way") with sitting down for very long---there's just so much else to do!!! Bill always rubs them for me, though. As I enter the last stretch, I am feeling some tiredness return, but I fight it as much as I can. Yet I have been trying to remind myself that resting might actually be more responsible in the long run, especially this month. I just have to clean my house first and pack and do a couple more things and projects with Katie and then I will rest on the couch more... maybe.

Yesterday I was fortunate indeed to have a beautiful and thoughtful family shower hosted by my cousin Hannah Lambert. She thought of every detail, from red velvet cupcakes (my favorite) with Eric's name iced on them, to baby boy linens and onesies decorating the patio, to a baby shower keepsake booklet, to a million other details. Mostly, though, I just loved being with my family and to feel the love and celebration for my Eric. We also poured joy onto Katie for ascending to the Big Sister role. I could not ask for more than an extended loving family who is excited to see itself grow and realizes that each child who becomes ours is part of its whole legacy and continuance. I never expected a second shower in a million years, not having been raised on them, and so I didn't register or anything like that. Yet still my family blessed me with several items I needed---and thought of Katie, too. Just a luncheon truly would have been more than enough. I am so grateful that I have this memory to share with Eric now.

Katie greets Skya at the shower. Her t-shirt says, "I'm the Big Sister."

We used my Great-Grandmother Sarah Matics' (the original!) china with some china supplemented from my Grandma Joan McGee's collection. That was a special touch. Hannah even thought of herbal teas so that I could enjoy without over-caffeinating Eric.

Some of the ladies at the party. Katie loved Rosie, the new little puppy sitting on KD's lap.

Sitting together! I wore the same skirt I wore to Katie's shower a few years ago. The only difference is really my blouse: I wore pink in this style for Katie and blue for Eric.

The pretty cupcakes!

I had so much fun organizing his linens and clothing and bathing materials last night. He officially has a "side" in the children's bathroom. My mom finished a lush and beautiful quilt and I draped it over the glider. I need to pack some blankies for Eric and of course his coming-home outfit. I bought some newborn diapers, ointment, lotion, and powder the other day and arranged them in the basket on the edge of his changing table/dresser. I am ready for him to be here, and I am also continually working on reminding myself to enjoy even the tiredest of moments that will happen when he is a newborn. With Katie my mood really was all over the place right after her birth, and I have been quite worried about that happening again---to the extent that I am actively working through meditation and other behavioral means to establish some mental processes now that will help me navigate through that postpartum time more easily. I was so completely shocked and awed by how much a newborn completely changes one's life when I had Katie (people told me but you don't really know until you are totally responsible for one). Even though those changes were all good, I was not truly prepared on the deepest levels and it took me a long time to catch up to my new life patterns and rhythms of being. Basically, I had to understand how little room there is in motherhood for my previous selfishness and all my other flaws. I think and hope I will naturally be more adaptable with my second child.

Eric is still quite active and loves to move, though some of his movements register a little more subtle now---probably since he is bigger and has less room to really move. I still get some big kicks now and then, though. I have my next OB appointment this week!

Good Things

2010-07-19T21:43:00.000-07:00

For the first time in weeks, I am vegging in front of some very shallow TV, surfing around online and ready to skim some pregnancy magazines and a Bon Appetit. I had some vague notions about working on another project, but I am doing exactly what I need to do right now while Katie is snoozing in her bed.

This morning we booked our Disneyland Hotel rooms for Katie's birthday month trip. Amie and Boppa will have an attached room, and I am so excited. Making the reservations, I loved including Eric in our list of guests---he will be a solid two months old by then. We're staying for a couple of nights and have plans to enjoy the pool, a character dinner, and early admission to Disneyland. So much fun! We figured we should take advantage of the kiddos both being under age three as long as we can: they are free until age three! We want to do something extra special for Katie, too, since she will be adjusting to her new brother by then. I have no idea how I will do Disneyland on little sleep and nursing, but you know what? It's all going to work out. It will be time to have fun and have a can-do spirit.

I also finished my pre-registration at my labor and delivery hospital this afternoon. I know Eric will be here in just a few weeks!

Eric and I also had our OB appointment this afternoon. I am going to be starting my once-a-weeks now! Whoa! Eric's heartbeat is strong, I had my GBS test, and he is facing downward... thank goodness! He is ready to go. I am so excited about labor! I still have little twinges of poignancy when I think about how I will balance my time still with Katie---I don't want her to feel alone or to feel like I have turned my attention away from her. I am anxious about making sure both children feel equally loved and cared for. I know I will give my all to both of them...but for example, I think of how much I want to hold Eric all night in the hospital for the first time, but then I think about how much I will miss holding Katie and cuddling her before bed while I am in the hospital! I want one arm around each of them...forever.

Other Goodnesses:

* I woke up really early again this morning for awhile (4AM) and enjoyed my warm-milk-nutmeg and Jane Eyre combination again.

* Loose maternity jeans and rings that still fit (by this time with Katie's pregnancy, I had to take my rings off---I am actually doing well on my weight gain and I am keeping salt low)

* Jamba Juice with Katie after our appointment---she was so happy, and she cuddled against my neck while we watched it blended. She gave me kisses all over my face.

* Teaching Katie various hand-clapping games and watching her laugh

* Costco's fiesta salad mix (and falafel, too)

* Telling the story of Romeo and Juliet to Katie (and hearing her sing Taylor Swift's Love Story). She is also really liking the story of Tristan and Isolde.

* A fun week ahead (installation of Toastmaster officers, my family baby shower)!

Hope everyone had a great Monday!

Monet Lesson Plan

2010-07-18T16:07:00.001-07:00

"I am following Nature without being able to grasp her...I perhaps owe having become a painter to flowers."

- Claude Monet

Katie and I have recently been studying the art of Monet. Earlier this spring we covered Mary Cassatt (Lesson Plan 1) and Van Gogh (Lesson Plan 2), though it has been awhile since we've done a project. I am happy that my three-step method of reading about the author, looking at several examples of his or her work, and finishing the unit with a hands-on project appears to be working well and that Katie is truly learning. About a week ago, we were in the craft store to have a mat cut for my cross stitch and to purchase a frame. Katie was looking at some posters nearby, and suddenly she called out, "Van Gogh!" Indeed, she was pointing to "Starry Night."

I never tire of planning lessons for my own child. I love to teach, and I love to create experiences of learning. I've been pondering the best way to do a Monet project for quite some time. I have seen some other lesson plans, but nothing had all the elements I really wanted, and some were too complex for Katie's age. A few days ago I finally figured out how to form the project, and today's culmination activity was born.

MONET-INSPIRED WATER LILY PROJECT

I chose to focus on water lilies with Katie, since Monet is known for his water lilies. He spent something like twenty years painting water lilies, and his paintings of them epitomize his style.

MATERIALS NEEDED:

1 large piece of blue construction paper
1 large piece of green construction paper
watercolors and brushes
tissue paper in any color (we used white and pink)
glue stick
white glue

Before beginning the project, if you have a younger child, prepare the lily pads and leaves by cutting out those shapes (you can free-form it) from the green paper.

Steps:

1. We have been reading about Monet for awhile and looking at examples. Start the project by reviewing what your child knows about both Monet and the elements of his art.

2. Have your child glue the water lily pads and the leaves onto the blue construction paper with the glue stick.

3. Let your child place the shapes wherever she wants. It's her project, after all!

4. Use watercolors to give an "impressionistic" feel to the art project. We've talked about some of the ideas behind Impressionism already, before this project.

5. To direct her to the next step of the project, I asked Katie: Do you like to tear things? I showed her how to tear and then crumple up a piece of tissue paper in her hand.

6. Katie glues on her lily flowers. I helped her dip a bigger paint brush into some white glue, and she would put a little dab of glue wherever she wanted a flower.

6. Katie's water lily project!

This lesson plan was really easy and hardly required any prep (both my Van Gogh lesson and my Mary Cassatt lesson required much more). The whole lesson took about an hour, and I hardly had to help her at all. I just sat by her and gave her vocal direction and praise and doled out the materials she needed at the right times. She really loved the painting portion, as I knew she would, and she was also quite enthusiastic about the tearing and crumpling of the tissue paper.

In a few days, I will follow up again with questions about Monet and what we learned---to make sure the knowledge has really formed.

We had all kinds of other fun today, too! Katie helped to make lemonade and loved putting the lemons on the juicer. We made chocolate chip cookies (we make fractions of batches so that we only have a few in the house at a time---besides, it is the making of them that is the best part). We also held our own "music class" this morning and reviewed many of our songs from Miss Kara's class and also danced. We also read several books and poems. We have needed a day like today to work on our usual things. Katie told me in the middle of it, "This is such a happy day!"

With my exam and then all of the holidays and family get-togethers going on lately, we haven't had much time to work on our workbooks or projects as much. Katie always seems to be happiest when her mind is busy and when we are engaged in learning together. She calls some of her projects her "homework"---interestingly, a term I have not really used with her. She must have picked it up from Bill's discussions of his students. Anyway, she says things like, "I love doing homework!" We will be successful as parents if we can maintain this love for learning that is already inside of her.

I started my day at 4:30 AM, though not by design. Katie woke up thirsty, and I was wakeful after helping her. I have been getting up near 5:30 everyday anyway (my body is on its own timing lately). Most days I work on my hobbies and stay awake all day, but today I started re-reading Jane Eyre just for fun and sipped some warm milk with freshly grated nutmeg---and then found the desire to return to bed. I crawled into bed with the cuddly Katie and went back to sleep for about an hour and half. It is so cozy to fall back asleep after reading (a luxury I used to have every weekend of life before children and which I rarely do now), and it is especially cozy to wake up with my daughter's head nuzzled into my neck. So our day began well.

One last picture: Katie is enjoying one of our cookies outside. She loves the little Katie-sized chair Boppa found for her! We played outside for quite awhile this afternoon, pretending to make pies and soups for the dwarves.

Hooded Towel Project

2010-07-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

Some weeks before my real estate license exam, I happened across the idea of making hooded bath towels for my kiddos. I found a couple of sites here and here that more or less explained the process. I promised myself that this project would be one of my treats to myself after passing my exam.

Although each of my sources had slightly different instructions with respect to how to make the towel, the concept is easy enough to visualize without too many directions. I needed only one hand towel and two full towels (one hand towel can make two hoods). As far as the actual aesthetic and the issue of pleating, I ended up doing my own mash-up of the directions and took what I liked from both sites. I did my pleating a bit differently, although it isn't really required at all. I also added some different embellishments. I love ric-rac, which I put around the hoods and the bottom of the towels. I also used some grosgrain ribbon to make a trim where the hood meets the rest of the towel and to make Eric and Katie's first intitials on the backs of their towels.

Although I would make a couple of adjustments in the future (such as sewing the hood just a bit higher up on the towel), I was fairly happy with how these turned out:

I love that they have brother-and-sister towels hanging side by side in their bathroom now!

Katie wraps up in her towel after her bath tonight.

In terms of time, this project was quick. I started and did most of it this morning before Katie woke up. I worked on it a couple more times during the day, but we had plenty of time to make blueberry muffins together, have a leisurely family breakfast, work puzzles together, and play with her action figures, so by no means did the project take all day. I would have been done really quickly had it not been for the initials. If I make them more towels someday, there are some really cute iron-on appliques I found at Joann's. However, I really wanted to put their initials on the first set of towels.

I want to note also that a hooded bath towel at Pottery Barn Kids costs anywhere from $20 to $30 depending upon the style and presence of monogramming. I bought all of my towels at Costco (and could probably have gotten them even more cheaply at Walmart or Kohls), and even with the trimming and thread for sewing, I was able to make BOTH towels for less than the cost of the hooded towels at PBK. Not too bad!

Movie Night in the Park

2010-07-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, my mom was paying attention to Temecula's calendar of events and noticed that the recreation department of the city is hosting its Friday night movies in the park series again this year. The events are free, and when my mom discovered that last night's movie was Hotel for Dogs (featuring Katie's very favorite animal), she suggested we go. Before the movie, the city invited Disc Dogs of California to come out and put on a live dog-and-frisbee show. We also had time to play on the play structure and enjoy some snacks before and during the film. Katie did not want to go home when the movie was over! Tonight she was asking if we could go again after our bathtime...

Katie and Amie watch the frisbee show.
Katie watches the border collies jump and catch.

Petting a new friend. After the frisbee show, the owners came around with their dogs and let the children pet them. Katie LOVED this part.

Very excited!

Katie and Amie share a snack. You can see that there was quite a turn out!

There are many reasons why I love living in Temecula, and the city recreation department is one of those reasons. Katie and I have had such an amazing year with their programs. Although our classes do cost a substantial enrollment fee, the classes are often contracted for less per session than going directly through the business providing the lessons. Yet, most events---especially family events, such as our Hullabaloo concert and others---are only a few dollars per person or even free. We had a fun night last night creating more memories!

Finishing My Quilt

2010-07-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

“Welcome every morning with a smile. Look on the new day as another special gift...another golden opportunity to complete what you were unable to finish yesterday....Today will never happen again. Don't waste it with a false start or no start at all. You were not born to fail.”

- Og Mandino

In February of 2007, I began a small wall quilt. At the time I was questing to heal from a very bitter winter by learning some new skill and trying to embrace a new art form. The winter of 2006-2007 was one of little light: a miscarriage, followed by a brief respite, followed by my Uncle Eric's untimely death. My mind and heart needed new outlets to heal themselves. I turned to music, Gone with the Wind, quilting, and gardening. I put on my happiest face during my hours in my classroom and tried to compartmentalize the sadness I was feeling, but it was I who became the student that winter: a student of the tragic side of living and what must be done in order to pull oneself out of darker places.

I had no quilting skills whatsoever going into the project. I immersed myself in it completely and used my sewing machine for the first time.

Here are a few pictures of the start of the project in 2007:

Sewing some of the squares together. (This picture was taken at our old home, and I am struck by several things, including the Wizard of Oz figures on my bookshelf that Katie would come to love and the mythology textbook from school propping up the bottom of my machine).

Cutting out the fabric and laying out some of the pattern.

Finishing the top of the quilt.

It wasn't long in 2007 before I had the quilt assembled and began to quilt it by hand. I worked on it steadily.

Then I began to grow disenchanted with myself and with the project. I began to notice every imperfection and see only those: inconsistent stitches, places where the fabric puckered, etc. I put it aside for awhile.

I got pregnant with Katie.

My quilt beckoned from the corner of our room, but it sometimes happens that when we put projects off to the side, we're afraid to look at them again and to have to grapple with what we might find.

It is easier to ignore our imperfections, yes?

I gave birth to Katie in October of 2007. I never dreamed of taking on another project, though now I realize that there were plenty of moments when she was asleep and my hands were idle. In the past few months I have given up most television, and I am amazed at the projects I am able to complete. Yet adjusting to motherhood, I let my quilt sit...and sit... At some point, when I realized it had been years since I picked it up, I wondered how I would ever bring myself to complete something started so long ago.

Recently, my mom convinced me to finish it. Since finishing my cross stitch earlier this month, I have spent almost every morning quilting while my husband and daughter sleep. I have had to let go of the worry about imperfection...and finish what I started.

I have also spent the hours of hand quilting reckoning with this quilt, a symbol from another era in my life. Can something that was started in pain become a item that I want to see everyday? It turns out that it can. I reflected on the hours I spent sewing it while listening to Uncle Eric's music. I thought about how I began it with hopes that I would one day have children, but unsure that it would ever happen. Working on the quilt---and finishing it---has bridged two eras of my life. It is also relevant that I have finished it while pregnant with my own Eric. It has been a project that has completed a cycle.

Many times in the past weeks I have thought about how I was so ready to give up on the quilt's imperfections, and yet we should never give up on our personal imperfections or flaws. Finishing the quilt was somewhat symbolic of my own journey: we cannot just quit when our flaws are difficult for us to deal with. Should I put myself in a corner, unfinished, or do I need to see myself through until the end?

I finished quilting it yesterday. Today I attached the loops and found a rod and displayed it on the landing of the stairs. It is a small quilt. It is a first quilt. It has flaws, but it is finished. And in finishing, my stitches did get better. It is the symbol of two stages of my life. It takes some courage even to hang it or put it up on this blog, knowing that people could look at it and judge.

But then, it also takes courage to display and be who we really are, too, does it not?

a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_5doS-idjCzw/TEDr92VJv0I/AAAAAAAACMQ/9-Hkyrzu3AQ/s1600/quilt.JPG">

The finished quilt on the staircase landing.

A side view, coming down the stairs.

For me, this quilt will always be more of a symbol than it will be a decorative item. Everytime I pass it, I will remember the importance of embracing my life's journey, for better or for worse, and in all times.

Beach Day and Thunderstorms

2010-07-16T06:44:00.000-07:00

With the weather topping 100 degrees here in Temecula, Wednesday was the perfect day for a trip to the Oceanside beach. Katie was delighted, and she kept wondering about whether or not Uncle David would join us, since he came with us last time. She talked about how they built a sandcastle together. We spent most of our time in the water together, splashing around and jumping the waves. The riptides were strong, so we stayed close to the shore. Katie is definitely our water girl; even though the sea was fairly cold, she absolutely loved it. We ate lunch on our towels, built a sandcastle together, and then returned to the water.

Exploring our beach spot.

Happiness.Lunch and looking out at the water.

When we got home, we took a long and refreshing afternoon nap together. There is almost nothing so wonderful as a shower and a nap after a long morning in the sand and sun. I slept better and more peacefully than I have in weeks.

Yesterday we stayed in Temecula, venturing out in the height of the heat only to Costco. It has been too long since I have done a Costco run, and we were low on some supplies. I was lucky that several items I needed happened to have corresponding coupons in the Costco coupon book this time! I also found in Costco's clothes section Hannah Andersson brother-and-sister striped pajamas for the kiddos. Eric's pajama suit is white with royal blue stripes, and Katie's pajama suit is white with bright pink stripes. I cannot wait to see the two of them in their jammies!! I think it was meant to be, because Eric's was the last boy suit left (that I could see) and it was just the right size to correspond to the months when Katie would most be wearing hers!

Home again, my mom and dad came over for a visit while I put away out Costco items and finished handstitching my quilt. When the lightning and thunder began, my mom, dad, Katie, and I hastened outside and pulled up some chairs to sit and watch the lightning in the distance. We clapped everytime we saw the lightning flash, and we watched the storm cycle through big rain droplets and wind. We all agreed it was much better than anything on TV, which I so rarely watch anymore and which tends to be too caught up in silly drama for my taste. Nature is so much grander and more pure and much more fascinating. Katie said the lightning reminded her of the fireworks she saw on July 4th. It was kind of magical...

After watching the thunderstorm, I made dinner for the troops and we settled in a little earlier than usual for the night. With some left over fabric and ribbon from Katie's ballet skirt, I made a rosette for her to wear in her hair. I just used basting stitches to gather and then sewed the ends closed and then sewed the ribbon rosette on top of the fabric rosette. A little hot glue later, and the rosette was attached to a plain metal barrette.

I just took a break from writing this to go cuddle Katie. She was stirring in her bed and called out, "Mama, Mama." I love how she calls me Mama. I was "Mommy" for the longest time, but after we started reading The Berenstain Bears, she changed my name to reflect Mama Bear. I love it. Anyway, cuddling her just now, I was marvelling yet again how good she smells and how soft her face is when I give her kisses. She fell back asleep with her one of her hands in the exact position I first saw it in my gender ultrasound with her. I love her so much....

Before falling asleep last night, she wanted me to tell her again the story of Romeo and Juliet. Of course I have to leave the ending very vague (I just kind of tell her that, although they try to run away from Verona, they don't end up together and it is very sad). But she loves the part where they meet at the Capulet masquerade (I embellish a little with descriptions that Shakespeare doesn't actually give us), and she also loves hearing the sonnets from the balcony scene. We talk about how Romeo compares Juliet to the sun and how the moon is jealous of her beauty. More and more Katie loves to cuddle in the dark and hear me tell stories (Rapunzel, The Princess and the Pea, Romeo and Juliet) as an alternative to reading. Of course, many nights we read quite a bit, too, sometimes exclusively. Other nights we start with reading and then I will tell her a story as she falls asleep. Last night, she said she just wanted to turn off the light and to hear Romeo and Juliet---I think she was fairly tired.

Her very favorite book right now is the collection of poems from Shel Silverstein in A Light in the Attic. For the past month or so, she has wanted to read at bedtime almost only from that collection. I asked her what she likes about it (she knows it is classified as poetry), and she explained that "Poems sound better." She likes the rhythm and the rhyme I think---which I have read are natural to children's ears.

Today we are going to Joann's (a craft store) to stock up on some supplies: my quilt is finished but I need some items with which to hang it, and I also need trimming for my next project---hooded bath towels for the kiddos. I am really in the crafting and sewing mood lately!

Summer Days

2010-07-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

"To see the Summer Sky
Is Poetry, though never in a Book it lie -
True Poems flee."
~Emily Dickinson

"There shall be eternal summer in the grateful heart." ~Celia Thaxter

"Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language." ~Henry James

My summertime baby is almost here: although Eric needs to stay safe inside of me for a couple more weeks at least, I know that we are now in the period during which he could come at any time. He will be my Summer Boy; I often call Katie my "Pumpkin Girl" or "Pumpkin Baby" since she was born in the cozy fall and so near to Halloween.

This summer is whooshing by, and I have tried to make it as memorable and magical as I can for both myself and my daughter. This is the last time I will have with her on our own, and it has been the two of us for so long that that realization is not without poignancy. I so much want to nurture our memories together and to take this last handful of days to make more, so that she has a firm basis in knowing how loved she is (and has been) as she enters the period of having to share her parents with her brother.

I have loved this summer. For the past month, I usually start every day working with my hands and centering my mind and heart in meditation. I finished my cross stitch in the early morning light, and lately I have been working on finishing my small quilt (which I will do after I write this entry and which has, at most, an hour's worth of work left). I love waking early; in fact, I've been having a little issue with staying in bed long enough. Life has so much to offer that sometimes it is tiresome to sleep. In another month or two, I know I will be begging for sleep though!

This has also been the summer of swimming and sunshine. After Toastmasters yesterday, I took Katie for a swim at our clubhouse pool (we've finished now with our lessons). The water was a perfect temperature, the sun felt good on our neck and faces, and we spent an hour practicing our kicks in the big pool and then pretending to be mermaids in the toddler pool. It was a perfect summer moment.

When we got home, we finished planting our vegetable, fruit, and herb garden. My dad made a big garden box for us a week or so ago. I hope our garden thrives as much as his does. We planted tomatoes, corn, a pepper, oregano, basil, rosemary, sage, strawberries, a watermelon, and some flowers Katie chose. After a swim, the dirt and sun and sweat felt equally good. It's funny: I planted a garden at our previous home when I was pregnant with Katie, too, now that I think about it.

It has also been the summer of blueberries. I am more sad that their season has officially ended this year than I have been any other year. My mom first discovered the farm that first summer after Katie's birth, and so I attach the growth of my daughter to our yearly visits. She was still such a baby when we first went picking.

And now she is playing on the farm's red tractor!

A couple of days ago, Katie and Boppa and I went to a local park (Harveston) to take pictures for the press release of the new slate Toastmasters officers (I am the VP of Public Relations). It was a beautiful afternoon and Katie played on the lawn nearby.

My dad and I continue to enjoy our father-daughter time every Tuesday at Toastmasters. My dad led the meeting yesterday, with the theme of "caring for and nurturing freedom." He came well-prepared and kept the meeting moving along---he did a great job! This time with him has been special, and we have been members now for almost a year together.

Last Thursday, I attended a mini-reunion with some of my CSUSM teaching credential cohort classmates. It has been SEVEN years since we took our teaching courses! What? Back then, only a couple of us had children, and now our families are thriving. We didn't have nearly everyone from the program, but I have always loved this core group of people who came. Sanam was such a welcoming hostess. We had a delicious dinner as all the kids played and ran around. Bill came along and helped watch Katie so I could visit. This group has always had such positive, good energy---as I guess we would expect teachers might. Seeing them again reminded me why my year in that program was one of the best in my life, and it also reminded me why there are moments when I miss being in the classroom. They are such good people and just as humorous as they always were. I will never get tired of laughing with them!

Also this week, my mom finished Eric's valance! I didn't really get a close enough picture of it...it is blue with a trim of green and white checked fabric. It makes the window feel more cozy!

And finally, here is a picture of Eric and me taken yesterday. I just love being pregnant so much. Part of me doesn't want it to end because I know this is our last one. What a good phase of life this has been.

I hope everyone is finding and creating joy this summer. I know this particular post has been a little hodge-podgey, but we've been doing many things that didn't quite fit into any other post I've written lately. I am continually thankful that life is so full, and so full of light and beauty.

Learning to Sew: Ballet Skirt Project

2010-07-11T19:12:00.000-07:00

"Hem your blessings with thankfulness so they don't unravel." (Anonymous)

A month or so ago, Katie was helping me pick out crafting supplies for Eric's room when she spied some sparkly purple and sparkly blue material that she really, really loved. In a moment of daring I thought, "Hey, why not make a ballet skirt?" And thus my recent project was born.

I am not a seamstress by most measures; my clothes sewing skills are woefully rudimentary, despite making a couple of pieces in high school under my mom's guidance. I have had it in my mind, however, to learn to sew clothes for my children for some time. Although I have sewn pillows and even a quilt (which I am currently finishing---more to come on that later), I grew up surrounded by the comfort of having a mom who knows how to sew practically anything. When I think of time spent watching her cut patterns or playing in her sewing box or hearing the hum of her sewing machine, I feel all cozy inside. Every year she made amazing Halloween costumes. There is something so comforting about a mother who can do that. She has made all of the window treatments in our home (valances and drapes). For Christmas two years ago, my mom made my brother and I super cozy quilts. She made my favorite childhood blankie before I was born, the one I carried everywhere. I've never sewn a blankie for either of my children, and one of my goals is to do so---to wrap them up in a mother's love. I want to be able to do that for my children.

A ballet skirt for Katie seemed like a good place to start. I've been so focused on doing projects for Eric's room that I really felt it would be good to make something for her so that she could feel special. As any mother of two or more probably already realizes, and as I am realizing more everyday, one of the biggest responsibilities of a mother is to make siblings feel equal and equally loved and attended to.

My mom helped me pick out an easier ballet skirt pattern, McCall's M5680. This was good, since the project took me about three times as long as it would take an experienced seamstress. The instructions called for only one narrow hem along a seam, but with the material I selected, it became necessary to hem all six layers of material along the bottom edges due to fraying. Next time, I think I might just choose a standard tulle. Additionally, I had to add a seam because I chose two different material colors instead of one color in one length: this affected the cutting of the pattern. It is hard to explain without seeing it, but anyway, a second seam was necessary. To accommodate this, I have the opening of the skirt now on the side instead of in the back so that the second seam can also be a side seam and not run down the front. The skirt stays on through the use of a ribbon, so no other closures (buttons, etc) were necessary this time. Although that in itself made the project easier, I did need to troubleshoot the attachment of the ribbon a bit when things grew a bit persnickety. Also, my machine seems to do a tighter baste than I could handle, and my basting threads kept breaking when I was gathering the skirt at 9:30 last night. I had to problem-solve that as well and just hand baste. So although it was an easy pattern, just enough challenges appeared such that I really felt I had to problem-solve on my own and learn something. I love to learn by having to figure things out: when we are forced to use our minds to figure something out on our own, the knowledge stays with us forever.

All told, the project took three days spread out: I cut the material for a couple of hours one day; yesterday I did the seams and hems and gathers; today I did a fitting with Katie, attached the ribbon (which needed, in the end, to be handstitched), did the finishing work, and handstitched blue flowers on the front.

Katie has already put in a request for a red one next. :-)

It was an adventure to say the least, and one I am hungry to repeat so that I can improve. I often compare my work to my mom's work---and really, there is no comparison. Her work is so precise and finished... She is totally supportive of my efforts and always makes me feel like my various projects are successful; it is my own perfectionism that has held me back from taking the plunge into this realm, which is outside of my comfort zone. Yet now at age 30 I have more confidence to let my work be its own and to try not to compare it right now to the work of people who are really proficient. If I keep working at it, I know I can improve. I have a couple of other sewing projects I am longing to do, but in terms of clothes, I think I want to make Katie a simple dress next.

I forgot to take many pictures of the process, but here are a couple, plus the finished result:

The material is cut and ready to be sewn.

Ths skirt is gathered and ready for a fitting on Katie's waist this morning.

Katie tries on the finished product---and stands on tip toes!

Smiling Katie! She loved her skirt, which was motivation enough to keep going and to try more.

Katie told me she was "doing the splits" here. You can almost see the two fabric colors more in this picture. The three layers of purple are on the bottom; the three layers of blue are on the top.

A front view: it is difficult to see the attached blue flowers, but they are there, I promise.

Butterfly stretch in her new tutu!

I definitely had fun stretching myself on this project!

Pre-birth Goals: Goal #3

2010-07-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream."

- C. S. Lewis

This has been a year of letting myself be inspired, not only by the beautiful natural world in which almost all things seem possible, but also by the achievements and enthusiasm of others. In Toastmasters we practice public speaking, and yet the members of that club have inspired me in ways beyond elocution. Over the year, two members gave memorable speeches about goals and goal-setting. Laura Bruno talked last fall about the importance of writing down our goals, and VP of Education Bob Freel on at least two occasions talked about the goal-setting he has done with his own grand-daughter and also about his personal mantra, "If it's to be, it's up to me." I think when we are open to the messages of people around us, our lives can become deeper and richer in tone. The optimism and achievements of my fellow Toastmasters rekindled in me the desire to set some tangible and more challenging goals for myself this year, and I first wrote them down when I discovered I was pregnant with Eric.

The first two goals were to 1) take three real estate courses, study for, and pass my license exam; and 2) complete ten speeches to earn my Competent Communicator award in Toastmasters. I completed both of those goals in June.

My third goal was to finish my cross stitch sampler and through it, to make my home cozier and more filled with meaning. I started my sampler late last summer, and it is all too easy for me to let projects like that stretch on for awhile. Yet with children now, I am especially interested in creating little heirlooms for them to have someday.

A sampler is a cross stitch consisting of the alphabet and numbers. Some of the oldest surviving samplers are from the 15th and 16th centuries. My understanding is that many young women were taught the art of sampler making from a young age and that samplers were viewed as a sign of industry and a virtuous heart.

Of course samplers were a craft of the Pennsylvania Dutch and Amish, and that is a big part of my heritage with which I largely identify. I love the meditative feeling of working with my hands to create something for my home, of centering my heart on what is important. Although I did work parts of this cross stitch with background noise as accompaniment, for the past few weeks I have worked it almost exclusively in the early mornings before Katie and Bill awoke. Sometimes I would sit in Katie's room and watch her sleep, and sometimes I would sit in my room and watch my husband slumber. I'd listen to the birds outside waking up, see the dawn fill the sky, and sip decaffeinated coffee with milk and cinnamon. I discovered how much I loved to work surrounded mostly by silence and soft breathing and birds. It was a time to think about life, my family, and purpose without distraction.

This morning I finished my sampler, which means I also completed my third and final formal pre-birth goal. Yay!

I will always think of this sampler as belonging to Katie as well as to me. She helped with several stitches, though the bulk of the work has been done while she slept. I therefore stitched both of our initials in the corner, as well as the date.

My mom is actually the artist of this sampler. She came up with and drew this pattern out years and years ago and stitched for her own home when my brother and I were small children. So one of the traits I love best about this particular sampler is that only my mom and I have ever made this one (albeit in floss colors to match our own home decor). It is unique to Katie's maternal line. I am saving the pattern for her so that she can make one someday if she wants to. It is not a particularly difficult pattern to stitch, but I love its emphasis on "Home Sweet Home," the farm animals, and the hearts: home, earthiness, and love.

Katie holds the sampler.

I will always love that her little hands took stitches with me this year.

Since Michael's is having a sale on frames right now, I plan to mat and frame it this weekend and hang it in the family room.

So, my formal pre-birth goals are officially done. I am left wondering what to do next. Finishing goals is exciting, but then one also misses them. I do have a couple of projects I am working on and intend to finish before Eric's birth...but his due date is so close that I hesitate to write the goals down to make them formal. I have discovered the power of the written goal, and I only want to write down those goals which I know for sure I will be able to complete.

I am in a nesting and crafting frame of mind these days, though, and I know my hands will not want for industry. There is no such thing as boredom in my world. Boredom is a concept I have never understood, and I often feel profoundly sorry for people who say they are bored. Life is so rich and there is always something to think about, create, and do. This is life's truest promise to all of us. For that promise I am very thankful.

Now...what next?

Eric's Room

2010-07-06T19:40:00.000-07:00

We hope everyone had a beautiful and family-filled 4th of July! We sure did: on Saturday we enjoyed an early-holiday barbecue with my dad's side of the family, and on Sunday we worked more on Eric's nursery and took Katie to see fireworks. She stayed awake for the first time, and from our clear view from the Vintage Hills clubhouse park, she could see them lighting the sky. Several times she said things like, "This is super duper fun!" We loved the sparklies and the pretties.

My mom has been my hard-working helper as Eric's room progressed. She really listened to my description of my vision for his room, and she helped to hunt and gather color swatches, was my sounding board as I sent her online links of wallpaper samples and crib bumpers, and made suggestions as to how to incorporate my love for red into the room. We work really well together, and it is so helpful to have someone with whom to brainstorm and refine. She also helped me paint the walls, the bookcase, the letters, and the shelf, and she wallpapered single-handedly. She hung up everything on the walls, and she has fielded calls made from the middle of aisles in Joann's as I debated with myself about various decorative elements. So many kudos to my mom!

Of course we involved Katie as much as possible. I have asked her for her opinion countless times, and we had her help paint.

I am so excited about his room and even more excited to bring him home to it. There are some finishing touches to be added: my mom is working on a valance, a quilt, and two cross stitches. Yet for the most part, we have now arrived at a point at which his room feels mostly complete.

Pictures follow:

Amie and Katie work on painting some of the walls green.

Katie helps to paint Eric's name letters, shelf, and bookcase red.
The entrance to Eric's room, as we walk through the door.

A view of Eric's room from the door. I wanted to choose bold colors for Eric and yet also to have his room reflect peacefulness and lightness...a balance of warm and cool colors.

Eric and I stand by his bookcase. The bookcase was one of our old brown ones, which we painted red. I love how it turned out, and it was very much cheaper than buying a new one. Eric owns only two books of his own so far: a book I bought for him the other day and a book I am passing down to him from my Uncle Eric (which Uncle Eric gave to me one Christmas). I tried to put some of Katie's baby books on the shelves, but she took them right back to her room as soon as she noticed them. :-)

A view from the mirror. We can see his hamper in this picture, as well as his tall light. I trimmed the shade in red ric-rac to give the red accents in this room more presence.

Katie and I in Eric's room.

A view of our glider/cozy chair corner. I trimmed the lamp in the same ribbon that we used to hang Eric's name letters. Katie picked out the blanket on the chair herself. My mom helped me assemble the glider and the changing table (what can't my mom do?? I don't know what I would have done without her on this project)! She is making two cross stitches for the walls by the glider and a valance for the window. Those will probably merit their own pictures later.

A view of Eric's changing table and his name letters. To the right of the changing table is the door again, so this picture takes us full circle.

So again, a big thank you to my mom for all of her physical and intellectual help on this project! Now it is time to start filling the changing table with diapers and ointment and to enact the finishing touches!

Swim Lessons

2010-07-03T05:58:00.000-07:00

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is something so summery about the scent of chlorine and sunscreen lotion, the hot sun and the gentle rocking water, the sound of a splash and a chorus of young voices chattering and laughing.

Katie and I have been taking swimming lessons this week, a daily commitment that makes each morning feel of summer. Already I know that this time with her will be one of my favorite memories in a summer filled with happy memories. When we get out of the car and head toward the pool, Katie often says, "This is super fun!!" Yesterday we were holding hands in the parking lot and I told her how much I love spending time with her and taking swim class with her, and she pulled my hand to her mouth and kissed it three times. It is a special time for us.

Yesterday Katie learned two new skills: putting her whole face in the water and jumping off the deck into my arms. We've mostly been working on kicking and crab-walking (she loves crab-walking and pushing off into my arms) and blowing bubbles...things like that. But oh my: jumping! That is her new favorite swim activity. We must have done at least a dozen jumps yesterday, with her emerging from the water smiling and giggling every time. "Let's do one more" she'd say, after every jump.

My daughter always says exactly what she thinks, which I love. I hope she never suppresses that instinct, and yet I also know how much one needs to temper one's inner thoughts in order to develop fellowship with other people. Right before one jump, she stood proudly on the edge and proclaimed loudly for all to hear, "I'm better at jumping than the other kids!" It was one of those moments as a parent that was both desperately humorous and also profoundly wince-worthy. I told her that she had an advantage because she is also older (she is the eldest in the class, with most children hovering at age one or less). Katie was the only student present yesterday who was old enough to do a standing jump. It's tricky as a parent to instill children with confidence and the commitment to speaking their minds, while also teaching a sense of humility. Bill and I try to emphasize the importance of competing not with others but just with one's self: the push for excellence can never be dependent upon what others are doing or not doing. In our family, she often hears us genuinely happy for the accomplishments of our friends and family members. In our way of thinking, achievement and happiness in other people are cause for celebration and not a zero-sum game. We believe there is enough happiness and achievement in the world to go around for everyone without competing for it; in fact, happiness begets happiness and the achievement of those around us is an inspiration.

Anyway, it was a teachable moment.

We have had so much fun this week together! Thursday was our only tricky day as far as scheduling everything: we began the day with a walk, then went to gymnastics, then changed and went to swim---all before 11:00 AM. I have begun counting our "costume changes" this summer: how many different outfits we need to put on in order to navigate our day. This week has had quite a few costume changes! At some point, I will need to settle us down and get rested for labor and delivery...I just don't know when that will be! Life is so full, and like Emerson suggests, I like to "drink the wild air."

Katie is ready to go into the pool

Miss Bathing Beauty: warming up in the sun after her lesson one day this week

Kd's Graduation

2010-06-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

My youngest cousin, Kd Horne, is heading to University of Oregon this fall and we celebrated her high school graduation last night at her home in Vista. Our youngest cuzzie is now a college-girl! What? It seems like only yesterday that we were all so young, playing hide-n-seek around the grove, putting on that play for Grandpa in Hawaii, telling spooky stories around Grandpa's Rock...

My Aunt Diane had a great idea last night, and I am really considering starting on it. She suggested that we start compiling all of our family stories and anecdotes, and we have many! Kd found some old picture albums a few weeks ago, and looking at those photographs brought back so many memories. Having a huge family has been a blessing beyond belief. I hope we always stay close. Kd once said that we were all cousins by family, but friends and more like sisters and brothers by choice. It's true. It is the biggest credit to our parents (all four pair of them) that they have given us this foundation and that they made sure to secure it for us when we were small. How many cousins are as fortunate as we are? No matter where we go or how long the hours in between, we are bonded forever by the memories we shared on Grandpa's land, running wild and free.

Since I have some pictures already posted on Facebook, I think I will keep this blog to text-only. We had such a fun night celebrating Kd. Aunt Donna and Uncle Rich offered a delicious feast, much to Katie's liking as well. Katie loved playing with her cousins (I really think of them as cousins to her even though they are second-cousins). Kd and Katie share a love for dancing, and we also played outside before much of the party arrived. Katie ran across the backyard singing Disney princess songs with her arms open wide. Kd showed us her bedding for college and some of the other items she is collecting before her send-off in September. What an exciting time!

The party began at 7:00, and so we didn't get home until nearly 11:00, but Katie settled in and went right to sleep after a bath and a couple of stories. She was Miss Social Butterfly last night, which I have been noticing more and more. She has become more confident in herself and in the ways she approaches people. I love knowing that she feels so safe. I am always right there, but I love seeing her feel the freedom of venturing on her own a bit. Of course, my cousins and aunts and uncles also make her feel comfortable and happy and are growing more and more familiar to her. We cannot wait to spend more time with everyone this holiday weekend!

Also, we started swimming lessons on Monday. We'll have them daily for awhile. I am happy to see the cloud cover burning off more quickly this morning as I write this. Katie is fearless when it comes to the water, and we've been enjoying ourselves.

I was able to make it back to Toastmasters yesterday (it is has been two weeks since my last attendance). I have missed seeing everyone!

Today we're going just to swim lessons and then have an around-the-house day. Tomorrow is again dynamic: gymnastics, swim, OB appointment, Dad's birthday party!

Beauty and the Beast Ballet

2010-06-27T21:41:00.000-07:00

Nearly a month ago, Amie discovered that a ballet version of Beauty and the Beast would be performed at the Temecula Theater in Old Town this weekend. Katie loves the story of Beauty and the Beast, and she loves dance, so we decided to make it a family date: Daddy, Katie, me, Amie, and Boppa.

We spent a lovely morning in our pajamas, making buttermilk pancakes and reading and playing with her dolls until it was time to dress for our matinee. Katie picked out her outfit, from her dress to hair ribbon to her red shoes, which she named "apple shoes" sometime ago. She could not have been more excited. When it was time to go, I plucked a red rose from our garden for her to carry, and she was thrilled to have a rose just like the Beast.

The ballet fascinated her. She was so good about watching and paying attention. As we returned from intermission, the couple next to us commented to me about how well-behaved Katie was. She did get a little more vocal with some questions during the second act, but she sat quietly for the most part. The personification of the red rose intrigued her as a ballerina danced in a beautiful red costume. Katie remarked, "I didn't know a rose could have a face!" I love that Katie knew it was the rose, and I really enjoyed watching the ballet through Katie's eyes. Both scenes in the woods frightened her a bit, and I realized how very real everything was to her. Magical, to have the capacity of a child to imagine so intensely.

Part of the appeal of taking Katie to a ballet version of a story she knows well is that she had to respond to the music and dance without the aid of any words. She had only music and visual cues to spark the unfurling of the story in her head, so she really got to work other parts of her brain today. She seemed to keep up, and she even laughed at parts with Gaston that were meant to be more comical.

After the show, we all shared gelato. It made for an extra-special treat and end to our day.

At home later, we talked about the ballet. I asked her if she could still picture the ballerinas dancing on stage, and she gave a hearty, "Yes!" I love that she has all that prettiness now swirling around in her mind.

Here are some pictures from our outing:

After the show, some of the dancers came out to the front of the theater. Katie saw Lumiere from a distance and wanted to say hello. Cosgworth also came over to greet us. To Katie, these two young men are Lumiere and Cogsworth. We printed out this picture after her bath, and she carried it around all the way until bedtime. "Lumiere is my super-duper friend" she kept saying. These young men probably do not quite know how special they are to my daughter, but I can say to all artists/performers out there: whenever you doubt your art or what you do, just think about how magical your art appears to a child, because he or she loves you enthusiastically with all his or her might. And isn't that what art is really for?

Katie with her grandparents before the show.

Amie and Katie hold the playbill.

Katie, me, and Bill outside of the theater.

Before we left, Bill took this picture. Eric came along, too! We are 32 weeks and 1 day along. He seemed to like the music today, because he was kicking around merrily during the show. I actually kept thinking about how much my Uncle Eric, his namesake, loved the theater and all forms of the arts.

What a fun Sunday afternoon!

Bill's Birthday Weekend

2010-06-26T19:49:00.001-07:00

For Bill's 61st birthday, we have had a weekend of celebrating! I told him we could do anything he wanted to do on Friday (his actual birthday), and he really wanted to stay home and watching some of the national meet in track and field. That ended up working out really well for me, since I needed some extra time to get his presents together, prep for his birthday party today (Saturday), and generally get my act together after a whirlwind week of testing, Katie's classes, working on the nursery, and Midsummer's Eve.

We did take a break from track in the afternoon for a very late lunch/early dinner. I usually cook for his birthday dinner and make his favorite meal, but this year we went out to Claim Jumper (where he could have a very good version of his favorite meal). We don't go out very often, so it was a real treat as a family.

Katie and Daddy smile and color at Daddy's birthday dinner.

Today we had Bill's birthday party with his brothers and sisters-in-law. Bill and Katie and I had such a good time visiting. We watched a little track, I talked with my sisters-in-law, Katie developed an adoration of Carly, and it was the perfect summer afternoon with people we love. We are thankful for this time we shared.

Carly and Katie play outside.

Katie took an immediate liking to Carly, holding her hand, leading her to special places in the yard. She wanted to sit with her and was sad when Carly had to go home. Carly was such a loving cousin, playing hide-n-seek and spending lots of time with her. After Carly left, Katie wanted me to pretend to be Carly. Later, she said she wondered if she could be a grown-up like Carly is. I told her that she would be a grown-up someday. There was something about Carly that Katie just clicked with---although I am not surprised, because I have always really liked Carly, too, and am excited when she is able to come to our events when she is home from school and always bummed when she isn't home. In fact, one of the first questions I always ask Bill when we're planning things is, "Will Carly be able to come?" She is easy to talk with and good-natured. There are lots of reasons why Katie has connected with different people, but this is the first time I have really seen her connect with someone because she was "looking up to" her and wanting to be like her. I think Carly is at that age where she is both a grown-up to Katie but also still youthful at heart---a magic combination to little girls, for sure. I remember times when I was younger and felt that way, too.

A present!

Uncle Pat and Uncle Seth.

Carly, Aunt Irma, Uncle Chet, and Bill.

Time for dessert.

Bill blows out the candle on his cherry cheesecake. We pretended he was turning "1" this year.

So, Happy Birthday my Oneness. You are loved by many people, and we hope you have had a great birthday weekend!

Pre-Birth Goals

2010-06-24T16:59:00.000-07:00

Earlier this year, I set several pre-birth goals for myself, knowing how much life changes with a newborn.

In the beginning of June, I fulfilled my first goal: achieving the Competent Communicator distinction in Toastmasters (10 speeches in a variety of modes). Toastmasters has been such a blessing this year, as the people who are part of our chapter motivate me to keep pushing myself. So many times we have talked about goals and goal-setting, and although I haven't set formal personal achievement-oriented goals for many years, they motivated me to do so.

Now I have fulfilled my second major goal, which was to take my real estate courses (three), study, and sit for and pass the real estate salesperson exam. Balancing the time I dedicate to my home and family with the time needed to do coursework and study has been challenging, to say the least. Yet the reward is great: I sat for my exam this past Tuesday, and I just found out today that I have passed it!!

I was very intimidated going into the exam, because I read somewhere that it has only a 50% pass rate and that most people fail it on the first try. Lots of people recommended that I take a weekend crash course during which actual test questions are discussed, but frankly, I didn't want to spend money on that when those funds could be put to different use for my family (like one or even two semesters worth of music for Katie right now, or a dresser/changing table for Eric). My dad also inspired me because he took both his salesperson test and broker test and studied for them entirely on his own---and passed them both the first time. I wanted to try my best on the exam just by working hard, really hard...and to see what might happen with my tried and true methods.

It's been an intense couple of months. I finished my coursework in late winter and then began the studying-for-the-exam process. I have studied every Saturday for three hours for a couple of months. The only Saturday I missed was David and Ashley's wedding, and I made up for it on the following Sunday. I was pretty strict with myself on keeping up the Saturday schedule. I also studied many mornings before Katie would wake up and often when she napped. It feels so good to know I will now be able to wake up and not have to look at my flashcards or re-read chapters and make notes. I had some practice exams, but those turned out to be much harder than what I saw on Tuesday. Still, I am glad I practiced on the hardest questions I could find: it is better to walk into a test and see more straightforward items than to see items that are more difficult than expected, right?

I am so relieved and so thankful to all those who helped me carve out study time. I know that earning my license has now opened a door for me to help provide for our family should I ever need to do so. I can always teach, and now I have other options, too. Life is about potentiating ourselves, because we never know what journey is around the corner. I am excited to be working for/with my dad, and I know I still have much to learn. As an independent contractor, I will now have the possibility of working in a career that would leave me more time/time I choose with my children. If I ever go back to work full time, we need not give up our music classes or gymnastics---things not possible if I went back to the classroom. These have been the motivating thoughts through all of these months. I put extra pressure on myself and felt so anxious before the exam, because I know I am doing this for Katie and Eric. I had to pass this exam...because I need to be responsible for providing for them should anything happen to Bill, I need to find ways to control my work schedule, and I need to make sure that I am planning far enough into the future such that they will both be able to attend the college of their choosing/college that chooses them.

All of my immediate family has heard me lament and lament my nerves for the past few weeks. They all assured me I would pass, but I am not arrogant enough to have thought so. Doubt is my nemesis. I am so glad to have the period of doubt behind me.

And two significant pre-birth goals have now been checked off my list!

Remaining stated goal: finish my cross stitch sampler.

In the past couple days I have added a few more "nice-if-I-get-it-done" goals, but those kinds of goals tend to be a little weaker.

I am so excited that I do not have to worry about this test anymore! It's been a big part of my life this year... And now I can just play and play and play! Whew! Just in time: the summer is rolling along and we have so many family events and fun memories coming up!

Midsummer's Eve

2010-06-23T22:20:00.000-07:00

During our first summer at Hummingbird House, we started the tradition of celebrating Midsummer's Eve with a dessert party and bonfire for family. Some year, maybe next, I would like to enlarge it a bit to include more family and a few friends---but this year was not quite the year for that, as this week and last have been a little more focused on other things!

Nonetheless, we had a fun dessert night with Amie and Boppa, and of course, half the fun is anticipating the bonfire and change in nighttime routine all day. Katie helped to make our fairy cakes, and she loved dressing as a fairy this year.

We began the day with our dance class, and it worked out such that the ballerina outfit Katie wanted to wear for class was also a good costume for Midsummer's Eve. So she got to be a fairy all day!

She even went to our local craft/fabric store in her fairy regalia (minus the wings). We picked out several crafts for Eric's room (name letters, window covering material, ribbons for trimming the lampshades, etc. and also a project I hope to work on soon for Katie).

Home again, we tried napping but it wasn't in the cards today. Miss Fairy wanted to help with dinner prep, and we also got our fairy cakes baked and cooled.

I think I will let our pictures do some narrating, even though they are uploaded out of order:

Decorating our fairy cakes, which have to be small enough for fairies to eat them! Katie chose teal icing and purple icing.

Watching the growing bonfire.

Katie, Eric's bump, and I enjoy our grape sparkling cider syllabub.

Talking with Amie.

Katie wanted to share one of her fairy cakes.

Helping to line the mini cupcake tin.

Side view of Eric's nesting place.

Putting the finishing touches on the fairy cakes.

Touching her toes at dance class this morning.

Happy party!

Amie surprised her with some toy dog figures today. Katie's favorite animal is the dog. She put one on a fairy cake and said, "It's a doggy cupcake party!"

Boppa and Bill drinking syllabub, sometime before we made s'mores on the bonfire.

Bill on Midsummer's Eve!

Amie and Katie

Before we made s'mores, Katie said to Amie, "I'm going to let you let me have a marshmallow." Ha ha.

So it was a busy day, and with everything going on it has been tempting at moments to let Midsummer's Eve go this year (Bill's birthday is this week, too, and we have a couple of days of celeration dedicated to that, as well as nursery decorating, classes, and more). However, I am glad we kept the new tradition. I really love it, and dessert is low key and informal. The fairy cakes whip up in a cinch, so there isn't a whole bunch of prep to this holiday. It gives us just a little bit of magic, though, as summer begins...and I can't wait to keep celebrating it as the years go on.

Eric William

2010-06-23T07:23:00.000-07:00

Little Eric William, who is moving around merrily as I write this, is about 31 weeks and 4 days old this morning! He is almost the length that he will be when he is born, and he weighs about 4 lbs. His organs and digestive tract are almost finished forming, and one of his biggest jobs from now until birth is to gain weight.

It's always strange to me that we start counting a child's age over again when he or she is born. Eric is alive right now, and he is 31 weeks and 4 days old. Maybe feeling this way is particular to being a mommy? I completely imagine my little person in my womb and have since he was conceived. I knew when he was conceived, and I actually could feel him implant (I didn't feel that sensation with Katie, but with Eric it was clear). His life started long before his birth... Having Katie showed me what a continuum the development of a child's life really is. There is no logical, sensible place at which we can say a baby is not alive---other than right before the beginning of his or her life, conception. And then it begins, that process of cell division and growth guided by our own particular combination of unique DNA: the same process that is part of human development until we die.

Eric loves to move and move. He is more of a mover than Katie was. Or maybe my muscles in there are more lax and I notice even more. Still, with Katie there would be stretches of time of her relative calm during which I would worry about how she was doing in there. Eric moves constantly---and I love it. I will never get tired of feeling a baby moving inside my womb. In fact, I am going to miss it profoundly once Eric is born. He loves to move early in the morning, and the start of those early morning movements are one of the several times I get up at night to use the restroom...but usually I can go back to sleep even while he is rocking and rolling.

I am continuing to feel great. My body loves to be pregnant, and I am thankful for that. Every once in awhile I have a bit of extra pressure on my pelvic region (I never felt that with Katie either), but it doesn't really hurt and I don't think of it as a complaint. In general, I think pregnancy is a time to love the changes in our bodies and to celebrate all of them. Everything we feel or every symptom we might have is part of our child's life, so let's not complain about it. We are blessed and fortunate to feel the way we feel---even moments when we feel bloated! I love how my body has changed in response to Eric being with me: each change is a reminder of the bond we will always share. It is the way I felt in natural labor with Katie: no matter the sensation, those sensations were reactions to her existence (two variables in dependence upon one another) and I didn't want to miss a single one.

Exercise feels great (I have been trying to walk or use the house bike). Walking is a little easier in many respects because I can elongate my torso. I went for a big walk yesterday morning to center my mind and breathe in the early air, and toward the middle I could definitely feel Braxton Hicks. I wasn't alarmed at all, since I know that I was being very active and also needed to use the restroom (two triggers of Braxton Hicks). In fact, I was overjoyed. Everyone talks about Braxton Hicks, and I never was aware of feeling them much with Katie. A few times I have suspected having them with Eric, but it is hard to know for sure. However, yesterday morning I definitely knew, and they feel great! I was hoping I would get to experience those with one of my pregnancies. I probably had them with Katie, too...but I think I have a high tolerance for contractions before they register much. I felt no discomfort with Katie's labor contractions and hardly noticed them until we were almost 5 or 6 cm dilated. The difference with a second pregnancy though is that all of my muscles have been more conditioned now, and I think I am more aware of how they are feeling this time around. I am really, really looking forward to labor on so many levels, not the least of which is curiosity about how it will feel and whether it will be similar to Katie's.

I love my little Eric so much!

Happy Father's Day!

2010-06-20T20:49:00.001-07:00

Among the many things childhood ought to be, it ought to begin by being fearlessly messy. In those moments of carefree abandon children learn best, I think. The creation of art is a time to let go and to embrace creative impulses. When there are rules for nearly everything else, children need sacred space in which to follow instinct.

Katie and I had tremendous fun this afternoon creating Daddy's and Boppa's Father's Day presents. Using tempura paint and large pieces of paper, Katie used feet, hands, and brushes to decorate. We have yellow, blue, and red tempura. I asked her which two we would mix to make green, and she said, "Blue and yellow!" After we had made our artwork and I set it inside to dry, Katie wanted to paint her feet and legs.

"Go ahead!" I said, "Have fun with it!" Sooner than we knew it, she was painting her arms, too. Then she wanted to paint my arm.... and before we knew it, we were both painting each other all over! It will always be one of those golden moments with my daughter that I never will forget. She was laughing and so full of joy. "How about a blue nose?" I would tease her, and her revelry was complete. She loved painting my face, too...and my hair...and earrings...and neck. Pure silliness; pure delight. I love those moments when she discovers she can embrace a silliness that she might have thought impossible: how often do we ever paint ourselves? It is almost as though I can see part of the world open for her, as though I can see her penetrate a deeper understanding about what life is really for: to laugh at, to live passionately, to know when rules do and do not matter. Silliness often brings us closer to real philosophical understanding.

Here we are. I look pretty frightful (particularly with my painted lips), though Katie looks cute and you can see that she loved the first glance of our painted selves.

Afterwards we went outside and sprayed each other with the hose. She loved chasing me with it. With the Temecula breeze, we got a little cold so we came in and cleaned up and changed.

We prepped dinner and dessert (brownies) for later, reminisced about meeting a nice doggy earlier this morning on our walk, had some lunch, and settled into reading and a nap. I studied for my test a little more, and then we walked Boppa's painting over to his house while dinner cooked in the oven (so nice to live so close)!

Later, Katie gave Daddy his painting just before dessert. I love her little rainbow footprints. This will be precious to have as she continues to grow.

Happy Father's Day to Bill and my dad! We love you guys!

Last Day of Music Class

2010-06-18T17:58:00.000-07:00

This morning Katie had her last music class for the school year. We've been taking a Music Together class every Friday in Fallbrook this year since October, so it really was like saying goodbye to the teacher and school for the summer. We can't wait until next fall!

I've been so thankful for this class and for Miss Kara. I have really seen Katie blossom through music over the past many months. When she started the class, she mostly wanted to sit in my lap and watch and was hesitant to interact... Now she is singing, playing instruments, hugging (and even kissing a couple of times) Miss Kara, dancing around, and talking to others. We have been singing our class songs all year at home, too, and so this has been a really big part of our lives as mother and daughter and as learners together. I must admit that I felt a little choked up (as I always did as student or teacher) that the end of the year is here!

Katie's "last day of school" picture by the roses before we head off to Fallbrook this morning.

Instrument time!

Percussion and singing.

Katie and Miss Kara. We'll miss you, Kara! Can't wait to see you next year!

Tricks with sticks!

We have had so much fun together this year. I remember the first day of music class so vividly, and I cannot believe how fast the time has flown. This has been a special time with my little girl, and I am just so thankful for it.