So today I needed a major heart-attitude adjustment. Some days, a good heart-attitude comes easily and other days being open to Life and peace is a struggle. I think it is just as important to acknowledge those struggles and the humility it takes to get through them as it is to write a blog celebrating how beautiful life is.
We have been experiencing difficult sleeping patterns with Kate this week. To start: we have completely lost ground on having her sleep in her own space. At best, she has been sleeping bedside in the play-yard, but lately she has been crawling into bed with us earlier and earlier. The progression has not been linear, and we have had some nights here and there that are more successful at keeping her out of our bed than others. I do try her in her crib nightly, but invariably when she wakes up I am so tired that I want to enact the easiest solution---and just lay her down next to me. This really has been the case since birth, although last summer we were successful with the crib. Then we lost some ground...and then regained it. And now we are desperate to have her sleep on her own.
Letting her cry it out would be an option if she were the kind of baby (as I was) that would cry herself to sleep. But she doesn't. She will cry herself into vomiting, every time. We, in fact, had vomiting last night---but very quickly upon her waking and most likely because she had had too much whole milk (another issue affecting sleep patterns). So I am spent. No one wants to deal with a load of laundry, pajama changes, and a hysterical baby at 3 in the morning if one can help it... And, more selflessly, I don't think getting that wound up is good for Kate, either.
Adding to this is our inability to coax her into enough daytime calories such that she doesn't want a nighttime feeding. I don't mind night feedings, but again, I am usually so tired that we end up falling asleep together. I definitely feel like all parents except us must have this all figured out, and I must be just too lame to come up with a solution. But I know it isn't just us...
We have also been trying to transition her from toddler formula to whole milk. But after trying this experiment twice (months apart), this transition does not seem to be working. Each time there have been several nights for Kate of fitful sleep culminating in----you guessed it---Vomit Night. For us, Vomit Night for this round of experimentation was last night. I also have undesirable reactions to lots and lots of cream in a short span, so pehaps there is some link there. She does fine with the milk-based powder (though it has all nutrients added to a 2% milk base, not a whole milk base), and she loves cottage cheese, regular cheese, and ice cream and handles them fine. So I am confused.
This is to say, I am low on sleep and also frustrated at myself for not being able to make everything about parenting easy. ;-) I also want to do what is best for Kate. Right now I think she needs her own space, her own bed...and we've desperately been trying to figure out the food thing for over a year.
So anyway, I definitely woke up grumpy this morning--a grumpiness which was all directed at the laundry machine and huffs and puffs in response to my husband's questions because in my addled state, I was convinced that he had slept through most of the night---although of course he hadn't.
Thank goodness for coffee and adirondak chairs and homemade rosemary croutons from my mom and an overcast day and some time to relax in my parents' yard and just watch Kate run around while I readjusted myself. Life provides a way to peace, but you have to be ready to admit your own faults and shortcomings first.
Right now, Kate is in her crib. I heard her stir for a moment, but she seemed to settle herself. I have no idea what the rest of tonight will bring, but I had better get sleepy myself and prepare myself to meet any challenges with grace instead of a grumpy attitude.
