Thursday, May 27, 2010

Happy Anniversary!

To my Perfect Oneness,

Happy 4th marriage anniversary today, my perfect Bill! Everyday I am so thankful that you have chosen to journey with me in this life. I would marry you again and again. I cannot imagine a best friend and husband who is kinder than you are. You are gentle and loving, and when I trusted you with my heart, that trust was not misplaced. It is the greatest privilege in the world to be the caretaker of your amazingly intelligent mind, your soft and sensitive heart, and your beloved and respected autonomy. I love that we are two very independent people who work together to achieve a great love built on respect. We have never tried to change one another. Even as we evolve through the years, you are fundamentally consistent with whom I know you to be. I have never met a more genuine, self-actualized person. I love that you are always "Bill." You are deeper and more complex than many people might guess, and I love that you are driven by passions that are also balanced with a rational mind. I hope that I can always help to protect you and that I have made our home a shelter from the parts of the world that keep you awake at night. I know that I am far from the perfect wife, and that I do not always tend to the shelter well enough, but I am grateful that you have given me your heart and are patient with me always.

You have given me the greatest gift of children. When we thought before marriage about making more children, it was always very much on my mind that in procreating with you, I would be privileged to have the use of your amazing genes. You are intelligent, athletic, sensitive, independent---I see so much of you in Katie. I know this might sound odd to others, but I have to say that it has been the greatest gift to mate with you and create spawn. ;-) Anyone in the world, if they were thinking about it, would have to want to your children, so thank you for choosing me.

It is not always easy now, with children, to find all the time I wish we had to let you know how valued you always are each day. Our lives this year are far from the days when we had the same schedule and I could devote all of my attention to you. I know that sometimes you must feel second to our children, but you have never even once so much as started to complain or ever even hinted at such a thing. That is one of many reasons why you are such a perfect husband and father: you know that young children need much attention and that it is vital to their success and thriving. Hardly a moment goes by, however, when I don't think of you. In taking care of Katie (and Eric) the best way I know how, I am always aware that I am a custodian of a person who embodies part of you. You exist in our children, and helping them to thrive means that part of you will always endure...

One of my greatest fears in all of life is losing you to age. You have been working hard this year to be healthier, and that has meant the world to me. You are my best friend, and there are moments when my whole chest siezes up thinking that one day you will be gone. Who would I tell everything to? Who would I laugh and joke with? Who would understand everything about me? And who would I understand everything about in return? But, we have always known that we had an age gap, and it has been better to have this time with you than never to have had it. I cannot imagine ever marrying anyone else. You are my true love, the one person I was meant to be with. No one could ever fill your place: I have just one husband. I wish you were immortal.

Our 4th married year has been filled with changes and love and adventure and challenges brought to us when we weren't expecting them. You had to make some difficult decisions this year, and you had to navigate your way through an impossibly difficult situation this winter. You made your decisions on your own, but with the knowledge that I always support your intelligence, integrity, and your ideal that all people should face the full consequences they bring to themselves (the latter of which always keeps me on my toes around here, let me tell you!) Even though I may not have chosen to make the exact decisions you made, and even though you worried I might judge your decisions as harsh, I know that you are the leader in this household, and I know that you have a far greater understanding of human nature than I do. I know you also face the saddening consequences of the decisions you felt you were forced to make by someone very close to you, and I wish I could take away the entire hurt. I also learned during that time how much it was not a mistake to trust you with my heart. I learned that we can face even very difficult circumstances together without fighting between ourselves. I learned that we can deal with enormous stress and sadness from the world and, even if we may have different reactions or initially come up with different solutions, that we can respect each other's "thinking space." You know I will never judge you. I respect how your mind works. I am just sorry you had to deal with something so difficult at this time of your life. I still wish it had never happened or that things could go back to how they were before this winter happened, but I know that I am often in a dream world and that you are the caretaker of reality. I also know that you protect me often from my own naivete or moments in which I would be too forgiving and place myself in harm's way.

Everyday you teach me how to be a better parent. You are infinitely patient, it seems, and you are such a natural teacher. I know you wonder what it will be like to have a son, but I know that Eric could never have a better father. I have always loved the kind of man you are: in your head, loving to read, not someone preoccupied with machismo, well-rounded, self-assured, independent, respectful toward women. In fact, it would be wonderful to raise a son exactly like you. No mother could be prouder than to have had a son like you. I would have loved to have held you and cared for you as Baby Bill and protected you from everything. I know Eric will be in good hands with you.

As far as being in my dream world, you are someone who seems to love and appreciate that I am in one. No matter what kind of crazy adventure or made-up holiday I plan, you go along with it. For example, when I wanted to fold bunny napkins, you helped me. I know those kinds of things would not otherwise be inherently important to you, so I realize how much you love me when you venture into my world. I think you do everything possible to allow my little Sarah world to endure. I feel totally loved by you and appreciated for my quirks. You are the person who allows me to remain optimistic and childlike. And even when you have a much better grasp on human nature and reality than I probably do, you never try to bring my happy little world shattering down. You allow me to be myself and to feel passionately happy about life. In fact, you are a main source for that happiness.

So thank you for being the perfect husband for me. Thank you for supporting my friendships and my relationships with my family members. You know how important those people are in my life, and you have been so open to the various ways in which I try to nurture those relationships constantly. You have the most loving heart I know, a huge heart. You are so creative and good and talented at so many things, but I think you are best at being my husband. I love you exactly as you are.

Thank you for marrying me.

I love you for always.