When I was younger, even when I was in high school, I always thought that by the age of 30 I would no longer fear anything, especially going to the doctor and dentist. I have indeed learned how to manage those fears, but I realize now that my fears take on greater depths especially as a parent. My greatest fear is something horrible happening to my children---and I think I will have that fear as long as I live. I remember my parents both at age 30. They seemed so adult and like they had all of life figured out. I wonder if I will seem that way to Katie, even though I know that inside I am still very childlike and still searching for truths in this world and still learning.
So many times in my 20s, I thought I had parts of life definitely figured out. The past couple of years I have realized that my quest continues and that only by being open to the mysteries of this universe can we really understand the whole picture. However, I do feel I know for sure that, even if it is difficult to love every individual on Earth, it is probably right to cultivate a love for humanity as a whole and to learn to place even the horrible things people do into a broader perspective. I also know that I was born to ask questions and to listen to all sides, and I know for sure that love is at the center of the universe.
As I enter my 30s, I also value relationships with others much more than I used to. I used to think of myself as an introvert in extrovert's clothing---yet over the past couple of years I realize that I do thrive on being with other people; in fact, I love to be social and to talk about things with people. If I need to balance that sometimes by coming home and resting up for a few days, that isn't so much an expression of introversion as it is a requirement for balancing myself. I am so lucky that, as I enter my 30s, my friendships with many of my high school friends are still some of the most beautiful in my life---we have been friends for over 15 years. I am so fortunate for those forever friends, through thick and thin. I am also lucky that I have blossoming friendships right now, as well and that I have so many people from whom to learn and with whom to spread joy. I am privileged also to count among friends several teacher-mentors from high school, whom I will always look up to. My family, also, continues to bless me with their camaraderie and laughter, and we continue to expand as new spouses and children arrive. I am lucky to have two of my grandparents still alive and feel so full of gratitude that, life willing, both of my children will know them.
I always knew that when I reached 30 I would have more confidence in myself than I did even at age 22. And I do---in some respects. I am sure that I know myself fundamentally; that is, I know who I am at the core. I know what I need to improve, and I know my strengths. At the same time, just as I used to suppose I would be entering my 30th year with an ironclad philosophical system, I find myself almost returned to infancy as I realize the extent of all I do not know. So I enter my 30th year with a return to one of my core values: this majestic experience we call life requires nothing less than my full pondering and appreciation for all I need to learn at every moment. There is more to do and to love and to think about and to read and to experience in this life than we can ever do.
My mom brought the movie Up over for us to watch today. It definitely touched on the theme of "ideas you have as a child about what you are going to do vs. what you actually do as you age" (one of the issues brought up in Gatsby, which I adore). The whole movie kept making my throat choke up (I highly recommend it by the way). One of the points made in the movie is that we need to cultivate contentment in what our lives truly become, and appreciate the moments we have created, even if we must relinquish some of the child's ideas in order to apprehend greater dreams. Even if we know we are making a better decision for ourselves that our child-selves ever could have, nonetheless there is an inevitable wistfulness and grieving over what we now know for sure will never be. Even so, just as the film suggested: we must be ready to embrace the unexpected and beautiful adventures that await us yet.
I had a lovely birthday. Bill and Katie and I went out to The Original Pancake House this morning for a birthday breakfast. Katie was an angel and we had an easy, happy time of it. I came home and worked on a project for my best friend Rosa, and I also opened gifts from Bill and Katie. Bill gave me a Blu-Ray player and National Geographic films, an intriguing book, and a large gift certificate to one of my favorite clothing stores to update my "30s" wardrobe after our next baby is born. He knows I can't bring myself to buy clothes for myself usually when our babies need things more, but with a gift certificate I have no excuse and will enjoy myself free of guilt.
Then my parents came over, and my mom cooked a yummy Italian meal: antipasti, spaghetti carbonara, and Caeser salad. She did an amazing job, and on my 30th birthday, I stuffed myself silly of deliciousness! For dessert she made my favorite: red velvet cake. Katie put in all the candles. She is the sweetest daughter in the world. All day she knew it was my birthday and reminded me when I woke up. She wanted to put the candles in for me and was so pleased with herself. She helped my mom carry in my gifts from the car, and then she helped me open them later. The best gift in the whole world is getting to be her mommy.
Pictures of my birthday:
Coloring with Katie as we await our breakfast...
Katie and I in our booth...
Katie enjoys some of the antipasti...
Putting candles on my red velvet birthday cake...
Looking for more candles...
I had so many beautiful Katie-candles on my cake this year...and I was able to blow them out in one breath!
She wanted to make it beautiful for me...and she did...
A glass of sparkling cranberry-apple cider for my 30th...
My mom totally surprised me: I have been wanting a Shawnee pottery "Smiley Pig" cookie jar for absolutely YEARS! I have tried bidding on them on eBay several times, but they usually go sky high and recently I'd given up! Nana had Smiley Pig cookie jars, and now my mom and my aunt do...it's a family thing I guess. Most were made in the 1940s. I was so excited to see this in the package! My parents also gave me Julia Child's My Life in France book, a shirt, grey wool ballet flats, a huge roasting pan (yay!), and a hummingbird hook rug kit.So it was a beautiful day. I started off reading an essay this morning about the concept of personhood. How do we define our own personhood and, if all of our cells are constantly dying and being made anew, and if we can even lose parts of our brains and still be "us"---then what constitutes the essence of a person? Immediately I thought of: how does my 30th year old self relate to my 13 year old self? People identify as the "same" person, but in many literal respects, I am not at all: I have totally new cells, new memories, probably the loss of old memories, etc. So what makes me essentially me? What would we call that essence?
I guess I have something to ponder and figure out for the next 30 years. ;-)
